The Diary of Commander Shepard
by yo-sirrah
Summary: The audio-diary of a certain Commander Jane Shepard as she records her adventures on her initial mission as humanity's first spectre.
1. Entry 1

_What follows are the unedited audio-journal entries of Commander Shepard as she records daily her adventures as humanity's first spectre. As you well know, Commander Shepard was reported KIA over one year ago while on a mission to wipe out the last remnants of the geth invasive forces following Saren's attack on the Citadel. It is not only humanity that mourns the loss of the woman who saved all our lives that day, but to some extent all races owe her their gratitude. To commemorate her passing we have chosen to release these files to the public after they were discovered on an extranet backup site for freelance omnitool programs. It is our hope that by sharing in her adventures in this intimate, ad verbatim form that we can come to understand this brave hero better._

_Sam note: Seriously? How do you come up with this bullshit? You realise after that intro they're actually going to listen to diary as well? This is probably the most damaging event to her reputation since the time she drove the Mako through the citadel - you know, the second time, after the attack._

_Rek note: Calm down. She's dead, what does it matter now? Anyway we've already sold almost a million copies on pre-order. It doesn't matter anymore, this thing is going to make us a fortune!_

_Sam note: It better, since your omnitool programs cost us more than I care to remember. I'm still getting complaints from that now...You know the Alliance will have our asses for this._

_Rek note: Over a million copies now, and they can't touch us, it's not classified data, she willingly agreed to backup support. It's already done anyway. It goes to production tomorrow, so DON'T FORGET to remove these notes before you hand it over to the manufacturer._

* * *

**[Recording Entry: 01]**

Hey Diary,

Just purchased one of these neat little record-your-own-journal programs off the extranet. Cost me seven creds and every other line on the netpage was highlighted in yellow but it's not as if I get any other chance to spend my pay these days.

I mean, sure, I grew up on ships and it's a hell of a lot better than being groundside...I just wish we docked more often. An' not on some little back-end colony or military facility. We never get any personal leave at any of the good places. For once I wish we could go to the Citadel or to Illium...I hear Illium is amazing. Everything is hand-crafted by asari artisans so it must be the best - actually, if it's hand-crafted, won't it be worse? An' if they have to hand-craft everything how do they produce so much stuff? What about those cars? Do they work on them centuries before bringing out a new line so they'll have enough? Hmm...

Anyway, whatever. Right now we're on route to some colony called Eden Prime. It's supposed to be really quaint and homey, all olde-worlde crape. I think tacking 'prime' on the end of the name makes it sound kind of suspicious though...like somewhere the Power Rangers would live. It's a shake-down cruise, we're just testin' the Normandy's sweet stealth systems. Technically we could test them anywhere, it's not as if the stealth systems even work for ground-based scanners...or do they? I don't think so. I'll ask Adams later if he's not busy. Either way, I still don't see the point of coming all the way out here just for a little privacy...

**...**

Nihlus just walked by. I have to whisper so he doesn't know I'm talking about him. That guy is hell of such as suspicious...what's he even doing here? He's a spectre so he should have more important stuff to do than hang out on two-bit side missions like this one...Plus I get the feelin' he's got his eye on me. It's like everywhere I look he pops up out of the shadows like a ninja. Oh god, maybe I'm under investigation...I didn't think anyone would ever find out about that...oh my god, if there's a spectre watching me then I am totally fucked-

_Ahem? Commander Shepard?_

Ho- shit! Sir Nihlus! I mean, Nihlus, Sir. Yes...what can I do for you?

_At ease, Commander Shepard. I merely stopped by to tell you we have successfully passed through the Mass Relay. We'll be nearing our destination soon, I thought you might want to start preparing yourself. I noticed you were rather...sidetracked._

Oh. Yes, of course. I was just recording my thoughts on the mission so far. I like to keep myself updated whenever possible to increase the accuracy of my mission reports.

_I see..._

Out of interest, how long were you standing there?

_Long enough, Commander._

**_..._**

Fuck-fuck-fuck. Shepard out!

**[End of Recording]**

* * *

**[Recording Entry: 01-b]**

Hey Joker. Check this out. Speak into my audio-diary. Look, it records everything!

_Seriously, Commander? What are you, thirteen? Gonna fill your omnitool's memory banks with gossip about cute boys? _

Haha, it's totally recording! I just bought it off the extranet.

_You paid for that? You know that type of crap is already installed on your omnitool right?_

What? No it's not, this is a journal service!

_You can already record on a basic omnitool. All that thing does is put everything in the same file, like you couldn't do that yourself._

You're just jealous. I'd buy you one but you never do anything to record. "Oh, today I sat in a chair and pushed some buttons!"

_Hey! Without people like me, people like you wouldn't get anywhere to do anything in the first place. You wouldn't be the big hero if a pilot didn't get you to the Skyllian Verge._

Oh yeah, totally. I should definitely write a letter of gratitude to the guy who dropped me down into that cross-fire. Thank him for all my sweet battle scars. Without these I wouldn't have guys lining up to ask me out on dates, oh, wait...

_I don't think your face has anything to do with the lack of romance in your life, Commander..._

I'm pretty sure that's exactly what it is. What else could it be? Anyway, I'm not a hero anymore. We're not dropping down into a warzone. That's why I got assigned to the Normandy for a playtime mission like this.

_I wouldn't be so sure about that, Commander. Not with a Spectre onboard. _

_You're paranoid Joker- _

Hey Alenko.

_-Hi Commander. Anyway, the council helped fund this project, they have a right to send somebody onboard to monitor it._

_Yeah, that is the official story...and only an idiot believes the official story._

What? What are you guys talking about? Oh god, he didn't mention me did he?

_What? No. I'm just saying, there's more here than the Captain's letting on- wait, are you still recording? I'm not speaking anymore if you're going to be recording. You'll probably leave it somewhere and get us all fired._

Oh, fine. Shepard out.

**[End of Recording]**

* * *

**[Recording Entry: 01-c]**

Pressley just spazzed out on me, he thinks there's something else going on with this mission. He all up about Nihlus...he says it's suspicious. I knew it! Nihlus isn't here to watch us play hide-and-seek! He's onto me! Wait, what is that? Damn, I think there's still some shampoo in my hair. Now my mouth tastes funny...

Shepard out.

**[End of Recording]**

**

* * *

**

**[Recording Entry: 01-d]**

Hey Diary. I don't have a lot of time to make an organised entry at the moment. We're heading down to figure out all this crap that's going on down on Eden Prime right now. I'm just prepping my gear before we get to the drop point, so I'll just give you a quick rundown of what happened.

Okay, about Eden Prime...so as soon as we neared it I went down to see Captain Anderson about the mission but when I got there Nihlus was the only one waitin' for me in the briefing room. He was acting all weird, more so than usual. He starts pacin' up and down and talking about how we humans are newcomers and haven't proven ourselves yet, and that our colony is some kind of...symbol for humanity. The whole thing was kind of suspicious, like he was about to set off some kind of villainous diatribe. I never got a chance to ask him about it though because Anderson comes in all "We should tell her about it now."

Apparently this whole trip has just been some kind of cover up. Our mission wasn't about testing the stealth systems at all, it has something to do with this prothean beacon the settlement has uncovered when they've been digging. Now, I don't usually pay attention to all this prothean crap, mostly because all the good discoveries were made before I was born, just like the First Contact War, so I don't feel all this awe or hate or whatever it is the older generations do to pass the time when they're not eating pudding. Still, even I know that a prothean beacon is big news. Their technology was way more advanced than ours is, so Anderson and the Council think that whatever's inside that beacon is valuable enough to get even a spectre involved.

Enough about that though, here's the really spectacular news...an' I'm not sure if he's here specifically for the beacon or whether they're pulling a two-birds move, but Nihlus is also onboard to evaluate me for a spectre position! I'm going to be humanity's first spectre! It turns out he's not a ninja after all, and now that I'm not worried about him being onto my secret he doesn't seem like such a bad guy. Apparently he was the one who put my name forward. It doesn't seem like he has the same grudge against humans that a lot of turians have and he certainly is polite and quite sociable...well, sort of. He's spoken to me on a few occasions. He also seems to spend a lot of time looking at me in this kind of special way, like we're by the ocean and the waves are crashing all around us and he's imagining tearing off my bodice.

I just, I don't know Diary! I definitely get the feeling that maybe Nihlus is attracted to me. I am a super big deal around here anyway. It is entirely possible that news of my courageous exploits has reached him and impressed him enough to make him consider humans. I mean, it's probably possible...and god, it's been a long time since I've had a date...

Ugh. Shepard out-wait, no! I forgot. Eden Prime is under attack by some giant hand-ship. Everybody's been shot. We saw a video.

Okay, _now_ Shepard out.

**[End of Recording]**


	2. Entry 2

**[Recording Entry: 02]**

Bow dana bow chika dowww!

_Commander?_

It's our theme music.

_Commander I don't think now's a good time to be recording in your journal..._

It's a mission report, Alenko. It's serious business. Besides, relax will you?

_It's just...how are we supposed to relax right now? Shouldn't you be taking this more seriously?_

Look, I know it looks bad from here but think about it logically. The only thing of interest in this backwater colony is a prothean beacon, and how many people know about it? The mission reports were all classified. Whoever initiated the attack couldn't have had much time to plan, will only be attacking this one small sector of the colony and wasn't expecting any military resistance. They _certainly _won't be expecting the Legendary Commander Shepard.

_I...suppose that makes sense._

Yeah, and even if they do have that weird lookin' ship...I saw the image. There's no real artillery on it and they won't risk pullin' any mad stunts when they haven't secured the artefact yet. At worst, they'll have mustered up some kind of strike team the likes of which can't compare to us. At best they'll have mediocre ground troops dependant on number instead of ability.

_Alright Commander. I'm just not happy with how little we know about all of this._

I know, I know - but none of us was expecting this. Just remember it's nothing that your training didn't cover. Keep in mind what the brass taught you and you'll be fine. We'll secure the beacon, wipe out any resistance and see what we can do about that ship. Job's done, everyone gets paid, Jenkins gets his action and we'll be back on the ship for cake and ice cream before you know it.

_Aw, Commander! When you said Eden Prime was under attack I was really worried but when you put it like that, I'm feeling a lot more...well I'm more confident now, you know? I knew working with you would be amazing, you're just like you were in the vids!_

Aw shucks, Jenkins.

_Yeah, and now here I am, back, ready and eager to show those bastards what happens when you attack my home! My mom's gonna be so proud!_

Damn right, Corporal! You'll be the hero of your home town. Hey, you wanna take point? The way looks clear and it's gonna look sweet if you come marching over the outcrop to their defence.

_Really Commander? Thanks! Okay, I'm moving up..._

Right, onwards then. According to my map we're not too far from the designated- wait, shit! Get down! Where did they come from? Jenkins, get to cover! Jenkins?

_Jenkins is down, Commander!_

Alenko, take cover on the outside! Is he alright? Shit, ow! Take down their shields!

_Deploying overload! My signal's jammed. How many are there?_

Says three! No, four...god damn, why are there drones scouting this far out?

_Enemy shields are down, Commander!_

Switching to rifle. You take left, target is locked -

**[End of Recording]**


	3. Entry 3

**[Recording Entry: 03]**

Huh...is this thing working? Aww, nice, I thought you got fried in that pulse from the beacon.

Wow...so the last mission went totally tits-up. Pretty much everybody died or blew up. We've got this new girl on our team as well and I think she's taller than me, so that's pissing me off too.

Every way a mission could have gone wrong, it did. Jenkins is dead. Nihlus is dead. The beacon exploded. Evil robots from beyond the stars are invading. I punched a scientist. The dead are coming back to life and bursting into pure energy - seriously, what the hell?

Hmm. I should explain...

Okay, for the sake of setting the scene - imagine, if you will, Eden Prime. Now imagine it _on fire_. Perfect.

That's basically how it was when we got to the second landing zone. Nihlus said he 'worked faster alone' so he went first and Anderson designated us to be the heavy fire group. Our job was to get down and head straight for the beacon. I suspect Nihlus really did want to come with us but probably didn't want to get distracted by Alenko and Jenkins tagging along. I just feel a little bad that his efforts to impress me ended in his death.

At least he wasn't the first person to die though, I guess. I don't mean - well, you know - but being the first person to die is always really uncool. No, Jenkins was the first person to die. Ahh, Jenkins...he was going to be my back-up date for the Alliance Christmas Ball if no one else asked me.

He got nailed to the floor like five minutes after we dropped. It was sick.

We were going over a ridge heading straight toward where the beacon was unearthed. At this point we're about twenty minutes out from it, made no sense to land right on top of the damn thing but we're still out of what you'd consider area-of-aggro. All of a sudden we've got these enemy combat drones on the field comin' in from all directions firing quick rounds - the kind that blast right through your shields before you know what hit you. Luckily there was plenty to get behind when we realised what was happening - that is, after Jenkins got shot - for some reason there's a ton of natural rocky barriers all over Eden Prime which made for perfect cover. Alenko is a biotic, but he's also got some useful tech expertise which really came in handy against them. Of course the real hero of the day is Jenkins, well, the real hero was actually _me_, but Jenkins is also kind of a hero, even though he's dead. I just realised that if he hadn't taken point on that ridge I could have been the one getting scooped up and sent back home now. Kind of makes you think.

_Commander? Commander are you done with whatever it is you needed from the stock room? I need to get some medical supplies._

No Doctor, I'm not done yet! I'll be out soon though, almost have it...

_Commander, I really need those medical supplies..._

Chakwas, this is important!

...

So as I was saying, Jenkins is dead. Alenko kneels down next to him and brushes his little glazed eyes closed and looks at me like I'm going to start diggin' a hole right then and there. I told him that we'd come back later when everything was over - but that's his parents' duty so I guess the matter is settled for now. It's convenient where he died though because now we don't have to send his body back.

We continued over the ridge and toward the beacon site but on the way there we found this other soldier chick. She was dressed in this really nice armour, it was pink and white and would suit me a lot better but I've been saddled with this N7 stuff and it's really manly. I don't mind it obviously, N7 is awesome, but couldn't they put my insignia onto something prettier?

Well, whatever. Apparently the rest of her team was dead and Alenko was really set on bringing her along _for some reason_ so I let her come with us. She led us to the beacon site but the thing was gone. Figures. That's when she suggested we try the research camp further up the hill.

So this is when we met these scientists. _The scientist. _There were two of them, hiding up inside one of the cabins. The one in charge, the woman, she told me that some of the soldiers had stayed behind to make sure no one hurt them and that they were all dead now. All I could think was well, _obviously! You locked the bloody door behind you! _Any chance they had of making it through was probably over as soon as they realised the scientists went ahead and trapped everybody else out. Fuckin' scientists...what a waste. One of them was completely crazy anyway. He had beady eyes and he just kept blabbering on about death-from-above and that-which-strikes-terror-into-the-hearts-of-men and other stuff I forgot because it's not important. He wouldn't stop, though! He kept interrupting every time I tried to ask the woman a question. So I punched him.

It probably would have gone over better with everyone else if I hadn't have said a witty line first. It was still cool though.

Anyway, after that the woman didn't want to talk to me anymore so we left for the loading docks.

It was going okay until we headed over the hill and ran into some disgusting zombie monsters. Alenko and the new girl weren't that surprised, apparently there were more back the way we came but I hadn't noticed them. They were pinned to these huge spikes and when we approached they retracted and the zombies got off. They started runnin' around in circles, not the smartest foe I've faced but it was hard to get an aim on them - even worse, when they got remotely close to you they'd explode, seriously. They were hard to shoot but I've discovered that if you fill anything with enough bullets it dies. Once they were all dead...re-dead, we made our way towards the tram.

The new girl suggested we try and find some of the other colonists, the ones that worked around here. I'm guessing they were in one of the cabins, specifically the one at the far end because it was the only one that was locked. Selfish dicks. I said we didn't need to bother, because what's the point? I'm not gonna waste my time talkin' to some hick dock workers. They'll come out when they get hungry and it's not like they're of any use to me.

Oh yeah, Nihlus...that's when we found him.

Damn, diary. Some days it's just so hard. I mean fate let us meet and I was sure we were meant to be together. Our kids were going to be called Nilane and Jihlus...I was going to send them to private school, not that shitty comprehensive stuff. They should be smart, like me. We'd totally be together even if our parents didn't approve and go on spectre missions together like in the vids. On Christmas Nihlus would cut down a tree and we'd all decorate it together and give our kids their first pistols all wrapped up in red and green, then we'd go carol singing and finish off with eggnog and mince pies and relax in front of a roaring fire in our little fluffy Christmas hats...

And I'd learn to celebrate Ramadan or whatever it is turians get up to.

But...well, like I said earlier. He was dead. He'd been shot from behind, point-blank. Shit.

Suddenly some jerk-off pops up from behind the crates, almost shot him. Wanted to shoot him on principle but I don't really have that kind of immunity yet...he told us that Nihlus had been murdered by another turian called Saren. Anderson says Saren is a real dick and that he's trying to wipe out the human race for some reason. Bastard! I never actually saw him but I'm pretty sure it's true because Anderson knows what he's talkin' about and Nihlus was too cool to be shot by robots.

I will avenge you Nihlus!

_Commander Shepard, are you done yet? Commander I really need those supplies now..._

Chakwas! In a minute!

**...**

Anyway, the guy looked shifty but I had bigger things to worry about so we carried on, right into a squad of hostiles. Man I really wish I'd had some kind of grenade upgrade or something to help me out. Those robots were really tough! One of them was _huge!_ A real prime specimen...you know you can't argue with whoever designed these things. Maybe they can be reprogrammed? I should ask someone about that. I'd really like to have one for my team one day. Sadly we had to take all of those ones down to reach the tram so we could go find the beacon and get the mission over with.

After that it was pretty uneventful. Aside from the bombs.

There were some more robots, some more zombies. We finished those off pretty quickly.

Also, bombs.

_Really big ones._ They were planted all over the place but had a pretty long timer and a really basic defuse system. At least when the brass learn about this they'll realise that we weren't up against some disorganised rabble though. Can't yell at me now!

We found the beacon. It was all shiny and green and I fucking _told them_ _not to touch it _but does anyone listen to me? I didn't survive through the blitz by sticking my fingers in anything that looks interesting! That's a job for an asari. All I remember is grabbing Alenko before he could break it and then...huh. I don't really remember anything after that.

Apparently I was out for like fifteen hours. Alenko carried me back. I bet it looked _so romantic. _Doctor Chakwas kept pushin' on me about having a dream when I was asleep. I was asleep! Everybody dreams when they sleep. Anyway, the thought of her watching me when I was unconscious kind of creeps me out so I told her about the nightmare I'd had and everybody suddenly got all excited. Anderson says we're heading straight to the Citadel to report to the council about what happened. He says we also have to tell them about my dream. Everyone is officially starting to weird me out now.

I mean, I was up really late last night watching horror vids...

Well whatever. At least I get to visit the Citadel. Shopping montage!

_Commander, please! What are you doing in there? Chief Williams is unconscious!_

Oh, for the love of-

**[End of Recording]**


	4. Entry 4

**[Recording Entry: 04]**

_Captain Anderson. I see you've brought half your crew with you._

_Just the ones that were at Eden Prime, in case you had any questions._

I have a question. Why is Ashley here?

_You weren't listening earlier? Chief Williams has been assigned to the Normandy now._

What the hell, why?

_After losing Jenkins, I figured you could use somebody with her skills on your team. After her performance on Eden Prime I felt she deserved to be reassigned. _

What do you mean 'deserved'? - her entire team was killed!

_Hey! I resent that accusation, ma'am. I did everything I could._

You opportunist!

_I am not! Besides, you're the one wearing his hat._

He would have wanted me to have it!

_That's enough, both of you! Udina and I are going ahead to the hearing. Come find me in the citadel tower when you're ready...and for god's sake, don't bring that recording device in with you._

Fine, let's go. Williams, you wait here.

_What? Why?_

Because your armour is bright pink. It's not going to look very professional. C'mon Alenko, I'll buy you an ice cream.

_Bu-_

Shepard out!

**[End of Recording]**

* * *

**[Recording Entry: 04-b]**

Well that didn't go so well.

_It was a mistake bringing Anderson into that meeting. He has too much history with Saren. And you! You were late! What were you thinking?_

We weren't that late!

_You brought your ice cream into the meeting! You've already done enough to jeopardise your candidacy into the spectres, we don't need you wandering in and -_

It wouldn't have made a difference! The council doesn't want to help. It looks like they're just going to refuse all our evidence and ignore the problem.

_Yeah, it didn't help that our evidence was slight. One dockworker and your vision-_

Captain, that was a dream...

_It was more than a dream! We're going to need to do a little investigation of our own. Find some real hard evidence that the council can't refuse._

_What about Garrus? That C-Sec officer we met on the way here. He was asking for more time to finish his report. Seems like he was close to finding something on Saren. Hold on Commander I'll- oh...he's not there anymore. _

He didn't even stick around?

_I have a contact at C-sec who can help you track him down._ _His name is Harkin._

_Forget it Udina. Harkin was suspended last month for drinking on the job. He spends all his time drinking now. I won't waste my time with him._

_You won't have to. I'm not having your affiliation with Saren ruin our investigation. Anderson, you're off the case. Shepard can handle it. For now, I have some business to take care of. Meet me in my office later._

_**...**_

Captain, I'm not a detective. This should be your investigation.

_The Ambassador is right, Shepard. I need to step aside._

But I had plans!

_We can't just sit around and do nothing Shepard! I know you're itching for shore leave but while Saren is loose humanity is in danger. You can find Harkin at Chora's Den. It's a dingy little club on the Wards._

I thought you said he was a drunken loser?

_It's worth a try. _

But why...oh, okay.

_Good luck Shepard._

**...**

You know I'm starting to worry about Captain Anderson...

_We should find this Harkin guy and see if he knows where Vakarian is._

Yeah...we're not going to do that. I mean we could go visit the strip dive and see if some drunken bastard knows where this one guy is, or we could just _go to C-Sec_ and ask at reception.

_Good idea Commander. Let's head out then. Should we pick up Chief Williams on the way?_

Nah, later.

**[End of Recording]**

* * *

**[Recording Entry: 04-c]**

Sent Alenko and Williams off to go investigate this Saren business so I can get in a little retail therapy. I was going to do it myself but Williams saw me from the balcony in Udina's office when I was taking a cab and came down all in a tizzy about how I'm doing whatever on purpose or something. I told her I absolutely trust her judgement and was sending her off on an important mission. Sucker! Don't really feel comfortable sending Alenko with her though...I think she's got her eye on him. Had to in the end though. Tried to lure him away with ice cream but he said if he ate any more he'd get a migraine. I told them I was off doing some investigating of my own in the financial district. Apparently there's an agent for the Shadow Bookie here. I forget where though. Saw some fabulous shoes earlier. Thinking of wearing them a few times then getting a refund.

**[End of Recording]**

* * *

**[Recording Entry: 04-d]**

Popped into the Consort's to get a manicure - using an assault rifle all day plays havoc on my cuticles! Ended up getting roped into doing a favour for the consort. She wanted me to go to Chora's Den and speak to some turian...can't risk going in there, I might run into Alenko and Williams. I said I'd do it but I went to the markets instead. I still got a discount on my manicure though. On my way through the wards it sounded like there was some kind of gunfight going on in the medical clinic but I didn't bother to investigate. I hear there's a sale on!

When I got to the market this really nice guy got all excited, he asked for my autograph. He's pretty cute! He's a blonde, blondes are so hard to come by these days. He seemed to really like me and we had a long chat. Eventually he mentioned he was married. Go figure.

I think I'll take a walk in the presidium and get some fresh, bullet-free air. At least it's free. Wish I hadn't wasted my money on all those extranet apps. Ooh, I think I'll wear my new shoes.

**[End of Recording]**

* * *

**[Recording Entry: 04-e]**

I had to skirt by Chora's Den to get over to the presidium. Heard another gunfight going on! What's the galaxy coming to? Think I'll have an espresso then make my way back to the embassies and see how those two got on.

**[End of Recording]**


	5. Entry 5

**[Recording Entry: 05]**

Got to head into _another_ council meeting. Alenko and Williams managed to get some evidence on that Saren chap when they were runnin' around the wards. They brought back a recording of Saren saying something nefarious and incriminating. They also brought back the quarian whose wrist the recording was attached to. So now I have a quarian. _Nice._

The way I heard it was after we parted ways outside the embassies Alenko and Williams went off to C-Sec to ask about Vakarian and that's when they met the krogan the first time. Apparently he was in for a warning - or did he actually commit a crime? I don't know, anyway he was after this guy named Fist who ran Chora's Den. The receptionist at C-Sec wouldn't tell my team where Vakarian was so they went to ask Harkin anyway and ended up sharing an elevator. It turns out Harkin _did _know where Vakarian was so they went to the med clinic and left the krogan at the bar.

When they got there I think the doctor who ran the clinic was being threatened about some information she had. She'd said a few days earlier a quarian - my quarian - had come into the clinic for treatment and, with a severe case of small-talk syndrome, had revealed that she had important information about the geth that she wanted to trade to the Shadow Bookie. This doctor, like all good doctors, suggested that she turn to the local crime lord Fist, so their next course of action was to go back to Chora's Den and figure out where this information was now.

At this point it seems like my two and the turian cop were on the same stage of two investigations so he insisted on coming along, which I get. Then for some reason never left when it was all over, which I don't.

This is about the time when I accidentally spilt my coffee on Udina's desk and had to play it cool so the ambassador didn't notice. I was too busy trying to subtly cover it with papers and I didn't hear the rest of the details so well.

Apparently after that they went to Chora's Den, picked up the krogan, shot everybody for some reason, then went to a meeting somewhere else and shot everybody there too before picking up the quarian. Then they decided the best course of action was to come back here to the embassies. For diplomatic immunity? Or something? _Because they shot like thirty people?_

So now I have a loose-cop turian, a teenage quarian and a bitter krogan mercenary on my team and Udina's looking at me like _it's my fault. _

I suppose it's okay, because well, it's already done. They're my team so I guess I have to take _some_ responsibility for them, _mayyybe. _But it was Williams and Alenko who picked up all these space hobos, so why is everybody looking to me for leadership? Specifically, why are these aliens looking at me like I'm about to do something amazing? What am I supposed to do with them all anyway! Williams was easy enough because the alliance will pay for her but who will pay for the rest of them? The brass isn't going to let me keep them on the ship and I just spent most of my money shopping so I don't think I can afford to feed them. Every time I turn around there they are, watching me. I can understand the quarian because it's her evidence but what the hell? Surely the turian has a job to get on with and the mercenary...well, maybe he's just curious. I hope they don't expect wages for this.

It's just totally unfair. If I'd known they were going to do something exciting maybe I wouldn't have gone for lunch instead.

Somebody is going to have to tell them that they can't come along and knowing everyone else it's probably going to be me, isn't it? Oh god - I hope they're not going to charge by the hour when they find out I'm dropping them.

I did think about leaving them all in the office when I went to the hearing and then not coming back, but Udina gave me this _I-dare-you_ look so I had to bring them with me. I'll be leaving them at the other end of the stairs though because I don't want to bring seven people into the meeting with me. The council would think I'm crazy. This isn't so bad though, I need to use this chance carefully...maybe by the time this meeting is over I'll have thought of a good plan to ditch them.

Shepard Out.

**[End of Recording]**

**

* * *

**

**[Recording Entry: 05-b]**

I had a little time before the meeting so I went to the wards to pick up a rifle upgrade 'cause I can't aim for shit with that Striker. There was a scantily-dressed human reporter who said she knew what I'd been up to in Chora's Den recently and asked me to look for some kind of evidence for a story. Told her I wasn't even involved but she thought I was being coy, then told her to do it herself because she's the damn reporter but she got all whiny about it. I didn't want her writing anything bad about me because I usually still get discounts off human shopkeepers after the whole Star of Terra thing. Might as well speak to this turian while I'm at it.

**[End of Recording]**

**

* * *

**

**[Recording Entry: 05-c]**

The Den looked surprisingly good considering there was a fight! Went into the back to look for something to give to that reporter chick and found some files just lying on the floor. They're slightly-kind-of covered in blood but beggars can't be choosy! Still, I did just get my nails done so I'm making Alenko carry the files.

I met that turian on the way out, Septimus. He was acting like a bitch but the Consort told me to appeal to his honourable side. I was about to appeal his face into the table but my new turian stepped in and berated him. He handled it pretty well. I think my way would have worked just the same but turians understand each other better I guess, so why not let them.

Septimus called me a bright kid and asked if I wanted to_ make a few credits - _oh my god. I run errands for people all the time but nobody's ever been so blatant about it since I was a little kid! I got way too excited so we had to leave quickly before anyone noticed. He said I might make a good general one day. I think I totally would, plus I'd definitely go for it. It must pay pretty well if he's rich enough to dick around with the consort and get drunk all the time.

Apparently he wants me to faff around in the embassies again. I'm supposed to take this datapad for...something. I know it was _something_ to do with...something about an elcor? I think he wants us to rough him up a bit. Hmm, how do you even rough up an elcor?

Oh well, I'm sure I'll think of something!

Shepard out!

**[End of Recording]**

**

* * *

**

**[Recording Entry: 05-d]**

That did not go well.

Should just head to the council now.

**[End of Recording]**


	6. Entry 6

**[Recording Entry: 06]**

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! AHAHA! AHAHAHAHAHA!

_Commander-_

AHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!

_Commander, calm down or you'll-_

AAAHAHAHAHAHA!

_Commander, please!_

HAHAHa!

**[End of Recording]**


	7. Entry 7

**[Recording Entry: 07-a]**

_I always knew you'd make Spectre, Commander. I don't think anybody could have done what you did on Eden Prime, or during the Skyllian Blitz. You've earned this, and if anybody can track down Saren, it's you, Comma-_

Yeah-yeah-yeah whatever. Well, thanks for all the memories guys!

_Commander?_

It's been fun but I got to split, losers!

_What are you saying, Commander? _

_Ma'am, with all due respect I don't appreciate-_

Suck it Ashley! I'm a spectre now! I'm a BADASS. I can't be seen traipsin' around the galaxy with Miss Pink and the cast of Grease.

_Commander, why are you behaving this way? This isn't like you!_

Listen, kids. I know it's been fun hangin' out with the Big Dog but let's face it - I'm not your average run-of-the-mill Alliance grunt anymore. I'm humanity's first Spectre. I answer only to the call of justice now!

_Remember Shepard. You may be a Spectre now but you're still human._

I don't FEEL human. I feel more like-

_No, I'm quite sure you're still human._

Well, whatever. I'm at least THE BEST human, an' I'm going to need only the best to match me! I should hit requisitions and see their classified stock! Ooh and I'm goin' to need a ship of my own too, unless you want your first Spectre to hitchhike across the galaxy.

_About that, Captain Anderson has decided to step down. You're going to be handling the Normandy from now on._

You're giving me the Normandy? What does Captain Anderson have to say about this?

_It's true, Shepard. You're going to need your own ship now, she's good, smooth and quiet. Won't give you any trouble, and where you're going you'll need her stealth capabilities._

That seems pretty strange. I mean she's the best ship the Alliance has. That's a posting other people would kill for! Most captains wouldn't give her up out of their cold, dead hands.

_Well..._

And that you just decided to step down now, when it turns out that I need a new ship. That's convenient isn't it Udina?

_If my timing seems odd it's because-_

Lucky, though!

_I mean if you REALLY want to-_

Hey! I just thought, what about a crew? I'm going to need someone who can pilot her. I'm going to need engineers who are familiar with her unique makeup, people who know how she runs. Also because she's state of the art I'm going to need as few people as possible to keep this stuff under wraps. Basically exactly like the old crew. Except cooler, obviously.

_Shepard, you'll be keeping the Normandy crew._

What? The same crew?

_The same crew._

C'mon Udina! That's not very-

_...Shepard..._

Uh, now this has gotten awkward...but hey guys! Yay! I was only saying all that stuff to make the break easier for you. It was hard on us both when we thought us pals would be getting split up. Now look, we get to cruise the galaxy together! One big happy fraternity on the pursuit of justice! Thank the Maker for that, right? Guys? Right? Guys! ...ugh, Shepard Out!

**[End of Recording]**

* * *

**[Recording Entry: 07-b]**

Wait, I have to pay for these? Don't I get like a stipend or something? Even the Alliance provided me with armour and weapons, how am I supposed to be a galactic badass if I'm runnin' around with this piece-of-shit Hahne-Kedar?

_Well you get a discount..._

A discount? A DISCOUNT? Are you kidding me? The handling fees alone are bigger than my pay cheque! I'm a Spectre, I work for the council now!

_Well, yes, you work for the council, but you're not actually an official 'branch' of their framework..._

What the hell does that mean?

_It means that the council aren't involved in your missions. They can't give you any-_

Wait, no? They just sent me on a mission now. They told me to go. That's involvement.

_Yes, but apart from the assigning you the task they're not involved in any way-_

How can they not be involved? I have to report to them!

_The Spectres have always operated in this manner, Comma-_

WHY ARE THESE GUNS SO EXPENSIVE?

_Please Commander, calm down! It's not his fault. The idea is that they give you free reign over your missions but aren't responsible for how you actually complete them. _

So that is you work your ass off to become a Spectre, then you get forced onto some bullshit mission with no funding or aid...and if something goes wrong then I'm on my own? Without a paddle?

_Yeah, that's basically it. The council gets to keep their hands clean and solves important issues quickly without endangering their neutral stance. _

The hell? That's way harsh.

_Yeah, but it's a great honour! You'll go down in history! _

As the Spectre agent with the shittiest rifle.

_It's tough but you'll work around it. That's why they don't provide you with munitions or funding. Without political interference you can finish critical missions without any of the inevitable red-tape setbacks. _

Yeah, I suppose- wait, what?

_Commander?_

What was that about funding?

_Uh..._

Alenko? I get paid for this right? Right?

_Well..._

ALENKO?

_Since having a Spectre is like a race's contribution the council doesn't really have to- Commander? Wait, Commander? Where are you going? It's not like that Commander! No, wait, I phrased it wrong! Quick, somebody call Anderson! Commander wait!_

**[End of Recording]**


	8. Entry 8

**[Recording Entry: 08-a]**

Hold on, let me make sure-

_You good?_

Yeah, hold on Joker, not yet-

_When you're ready I'll switch on the comm-_

Hold on, hold on! You try making speeches up on the spot. Let me just adjust this recorder, and...wait, wait, hold on...almost, okay stop holding on.

_You're ready?_

Yeah I'm ready. Is this thing on? Are we going? Wait, okay...I'm going to, okay turn it on.

_~~~Are we going? Wait, okay...I'm going to, okay turn it on. Are we on? Did you push it already?_

_It's on! Make the speech!_

_It's already on? Wait! Okay, so we're rolling? Damnit! I wasn't ready!~~~_

_Oh god, what are they doing up there, LT?_

_I guess the Commander rehearsed for the vids..._

_~~~Listen up, Crew! This is your Captain speaking! Buckle up your seatbelts and keep your hands in the vehicle because this is a non-stop ride to Kickass Central! We have our mission: to find that bastard Saren before he finds the conduit and shove my boot up his ass! We saw what he did to our homies on Eden Prime! They were just doin' their thing harvestin' wheat or whatever the hell and he went and tried to blow them up! He also set some of them on fire! What a dick! He made his biggest mistake when he messed with my species. Wherever he searches for the beacon, we'll be there! Wherever he goes, we'll follow in the hopes that eventually we'll go somewhere he hasn't arrived yet and then we'll catch him! Humanity needs this opportunity to show the rest of the galaxy that we can hang with the big dogs! Everyone is counting on us and we cannot fail - plus my mom's already sent out emails to everyone so yeah! Go team!~~~_

_Well said Commander. The Captain would be proud._

Sod the Captain. I can't believe he decided to retire in the middle of all this trouble.

_Uh, Comma-_

No time, man! I'm going to the briefing room.

**[End of Recording]**

* * *

**[Recording Entry: 08-b]**

Well, now that's all cleared up we should probably get going. Joker! Take us to the...the place. Wait, Alenko, where are we going?

_Well, looking at the files it seems like we have three options. There's Noveria, Feros and the Artemis Tau Cluster._

What's on Feros?

_Well, um, nothing. It's just that an entire colony suddenly went off the grid last week. We've had no communication from them. Something must be wrong. There have also been reports of Geth in the Attican Beta recently._

Recently? What's 'recently'? We've been on the Citadel for, like, two days. And why does that equate to Saren anyway? I've sort of got a mission to complete here, I can't just abandon it to go look into anything they shove in the file. If my method of investigation involves just checking out every random occurrence then the galaxy will collapse before I find Saren.

_Okay, it's a pass on Feros. Well there's Noveria. There's been reports of Geth interest around there too. Also reports of Elvis, dinosaurs and a gun that shoots doorways._

Any reports on a martini that passes the breathalyser?

_It's not mentioned._

Then never mind. What was the last one?

_Uh, hold on...okay, the last one is somewhere in the Artemis Tau Cluster._

Somewhere?

_There's no definite location. There's an asari somewhere in the Artemis Tau Cluster that studies Prothean ruins. Brass seems to think she might know something about the Conduit. _

Couldn't I just get some information on the extranet? I don't need to go 'somewhere' in Artemis Tau to ask a dude questions. Pass! What's the next one?

_Uh, Commander. You've passed on all of them. That leaves us with absolutely no leads._

Damnit. This is useless. Let's go back to the Citadel then.

_Wait, Commander. We should check the asari out. She's the Matriarch's daughter. She might have some information on Benezia._

Who's Matriarch Benezia?

_Commander? She's working with Saren, she was the other voice on the recording that incriminated him..._

There was another voice? I wasn't listening.

_You were reorganising Udina's paperwork. There were two voices, one of them said- you know what, Tali, do you still have the recording? Can you play it back for Commander Shepard?_

_Sure thing, let me, ah! Here it is._

_~~~Destroying the colony at Eden Prime was a major victory. The conduit brings us one step closer to finding the beacon. ~ ...and one step closer to the return of the Reapers.~~~_

Ah! There it is. So that's Matriarch Benezia? Man, you turians really love your monologues don't you? You're like Bond villains.

_What's Bond?_

Really old vids, like this guy that goes around shooting everyone with gadgets 'cause he's got a license to kill, ooh, kind of like me! Bond is a Spectre! I think we can pilfer some vids from the extranet.

_I like that Chaplin guy. Let's get some of him. It's like, he's funny but he's also a great battlemaster._

Damnit Wrex, Chaplin and Hitler are two different people. Why do you aliens always get this wrong?

_Maybe because you humans all look the same._

I don't need to hear that kind of racism from a turtle!

_Now THAT'S racism!_

You look like a duck!

_I could pop your spine out like a fish, human!_

I COULD POP YOUR SHELL OFF LIKE MARIO, YOU CLUMSY OX!

_ONE FINGER, SHEPARD. THAT'S ALL I'D NEED!_

I'LL GIVE YOU A FINGER, TRY THE MIDDLE ONE!

_THAT'S IT! _

COME ON!

_Oh god, Commander please, Wrex! Stop it! ASHLEY, GET THE CONCUSSIVE ROUNDS, QUICK!_

_With pleasure, LT!_

**[End of Recording]**

* * *

**[Recording Entry: 08-c]**

Oww, damnit. What the hell.

_We ouldn't just let you brawl in the briefing room._

You didn't have to get up so close, almost tore a hole in my suit...

_I did what I had to, ma'am!_

You sound way too chipper about it. Anyway, I think we got off topic for a moment there. I suppose if we don't have any other options we'll just have to follow up one of those leads. We might as well check the colony out first, even if there aren't any Geth I'll probably save up some karma for the next time Udina wants to shout at me. Can never have too many acts of heroism under my belt, you know?

_Alright, Feros it is._

Joker!

_Yeah Commander?_

See, I told you he was listening! You can't hide anything from that guy. Joker, take us to Feros.

_You have to plot a course from the central map, Commander. Then I can go._

I'm a Commander, and technically a Captain, and also a Spectre. I'm pretty sure I'm not a navigator though.

_Are you sure? You might want to check your file._

I'm sure.

_It would be between Hero and Single White Female-_

Ahahaha, c'mon man-

_-and ground-breaking-feminist._

What can I say? I shower with the rest of the guys.

_Yeah Commander, we've been meaning to talk to you about that, see...it makes some of the guys feel uncomfortable and well-_

Crew Dismissed! I'm going to the galaxy map.

**[End of Recording]**


	9. Entry 9

**[Recording Entry: 09-a]**

Yo diary! Just received a distress call coming from the Hydra system in the Argos Rho cluster. Apparently a medical transport went down over the planet Metgos. Also received reports that there's thorium down there. Thinking of making myself a bracelet, yay! I can do that, right? That's not like...I can wear thorium can't I? Whatever, I'll ask somebody later. I'm gonna get a small team and head down. Map says it's a second level heat hazard, so I'll take Wrex and the cop. They like hot places, right? I should build a vivarium in the hangar.

Shepard Out!

**[End of Recording]**

* * *

**[Recording Entry: 09-b]**

DIRTY ROTTEN SONS-OF-A-BITCH- They're robots! How can they even do that? Tali and I are having words when we get back!

**[End of Recording]**

* * *

**[Recording Entry: 09-c]**

Just went down to the engine room to speak to Tali. Quarians are pretty weird. Apparently all they all live on a flotilla made up of tons of random ships travelling together because they don't have a home world anymore. How tragic! That explains why she _really_ likes ships though. I can't drag her away from the engine room. No, really. I tried earlier but she sort of clung onto the railing and wouldn't let go. Adams says it's okay if she stays because she's quite knowledgeable and I don't really want to force the issue because it's awkward as hell. Luckily it didn't cause tension between us because it hasn't shut her up any. Once you get her talking she never stops. Anyway, Quarians are like, the galactic equivalent of gypsies, just sort of roaming from system to system stripping everything of value before they move on. It's pretty resourceful but I think I have an idea on who's been taking other people's lunches from the fridge now.

In other news, we've grounded our drive core and are on a straight route to Feros. We should be arriving in about a - wait...damnit! I got sidetracked and forgot to ask her about the geth.

**[End of Recording]**

* * *

**[Recording Entry: 09-d]**

Just reached Feros! I was going to take Alenko and Williams but Williams is all hormonal or something so I'm taking Tali instead. That way if the geth do show up then we have at least one person who knows what's goin' on-

_Commander, do you always speak into your wrist like that?_

It's a recording program, obviously.

_Yes, I know. What I meant was...well doesn't it detract from your ability to focus on your mission?_

Tali, Tali-tali-tali- Please, I'm not an amateur. I'm quite capable of performing more than one task at once. You ready, Kaidan?

_Ready, Commander._

_Alright, but what about when you need to fire your weapon?_

It still records. I uh...I guess I have to edit out the pew-pew-pew later or something. I don't know, maybe there's an app for that too.

_~~Equalizing interior pressure with exterior atmosphere. Logged: The commanding officer is ashore. XO Pressly has the deck.~~_

Right, let's go. Be good, Pressly! Man, this place is a shit hole.

_Hey!_

What? Oh, sorry. Who are you?

_Talaqani. I live here._

Right. Well...it's a nice shit hole. Very homely...I especially like what you've done with the um, the walls. They're very stony and whatnot.

_Commander..._

Oh, right, yeah. Why haven't you contacted anybody lately? The Alliance sent us to check up on you - not that I'm just here to make house calls or anything. Actually, I'm on a very important mission. A mission of _galactic_ _importance_, you might say. Very top notch. Hey, actually, I don't suppose you've seen any evil robots around or anything have you?

_Evil robots? About yeah-high?_

Yeah, somewhere around there.

_About so-wide?_

Yes! And they've got the things, like...

_Yeah! And that stuff from the side?_

And the head, like, woosh! You know?

_Yes! Like a torch!_

Exactly! Have you seen any?

_No._

Oh...

_But Fai Dan has!_

Oh, sweet! Where's Fai Dan?

_Little further in. Just follow the path round, you'll get to him eventually. He's upstairs on the other side of the freighter._

Alright, thanks! See you later. C'mon guys, let's go. What a nice chap...I lied about the walls, though. They're awful.

_Can you imagine living here? It's so...closed in._

_Are these Prothean ruins? All of it? _

I don't know. Are they studying them or just building on top of them? Look at these people. They've set up a barricade. Is this because of the geth? Tali, don't talk to anyone. Sir? I'm looking for Fai Dan?

_Have you come to help us? He's just through there. Watch out though! _

Thank you. We're here to do what we can. I'll be sure to keep an eye out for any trouble...poor bastard.

_This is terrible. They're right next to the spaceport too, why hasn't ExoGeni sent anyone to get these guys out?_

No idea. Maybe this Fai Dan will know. Sir, are you Fai Dan?

_Commander! I'm glad they finally sent someone to help us. _

_You're a bit late, aren't you?_

I prefer the term 'fashionably late' actually. What's going on? Is this about the robots? I'm looking for robots. Actually I'm looking for a turian, but hopefully he's with the robots. Have you seen either around?

_Geth?_

Yes! The guy outside said I should talk to you about it.

_The geth have been making a push at our colony for days now. We're out of supplies, almost out of medical care, it's got everyone on- _

What the hell was that?

_We've got geth in the tower!_

_PROTECT THE HEART OF THE COLONY!_

Really? Because I'm going to need more motivation than that. This place is awfu-ugh! Uncalled for! Right, reactivating shields! Weapons free! Do we have a number?

_No good, Commander! They're jamming our signals!_

Damnit, alright, in we go then-

**[End of Recording]**


	10. Entry 10

**[Recording Entry: 10-a]**

Just a quick update before we get on the Skyway to HQ. So apparently this little colony here is Zhu's Hope. The guy in charge says there were about two hundred living here before the attacks started. Lookin' around now I see forty at best. I offered to lift them out with the Normandy but for some reason they don't want to leave. I don't know what that's about. Who would willingly want to stay in this place? It is AWFUL. There's no amenities, no salon, no bar, no nothing! The place is a mess. He says it's 'tranquil'. He's off his head! there's no water supply and barely any food either. In the spirit of charity I left behind two mars bars and a packet of bugles with instructions to divide them evenly between the remaining colonists. I have clearly done what I can for these people so now I'm heading out.

**[End of Recording]**

* * *

**[Recording Entry: 10-b]**

So, we reached ExoGeni HQ without a hitch and now we're-

_Commander, I hardly think that was what you call 'without a hitch'..._

Hush, Alenko. We will never speak of this again.

_You really should put this in the report-_

Lieutenant, I will bust you down to sergeant so fast your-

_No offence, Commander, but I don't think you have the authority to do that._

I'm a Poster Child, Alenko. I'll have Daddy Udina do it.

_Commander..._

Enough! This never happened.

**[End of Recording]**

* * *

**[Recording Entry: 10-c]**

_Commander?_

Ashley? What is it? I'm kind of busy here- Alenko! Just shoot it!

_Well, we're down here in the lower tunnels under Zhu's Hope-_

What? Why?

_We came down to see if there was something we could do about the water supply. _

_It was boring back on the ship. Why didn't you take us with you?_

Because you keep shoving your duck-feet into the back of my damn seat. Tali! What the hell are you doing?

_He got restless, ma'am, we couldn't stop him. You ever been on the wrong end of a Krogan charge?_

_COMMANDER!_

USE THE GRENADE LAUNCHER! Yesterday, Ashley. You were there. You shot me.

_...well I figured if he was going to come out, I should come along. We might as well do something useful if we're not going to sit around on the ship. _

_Sounds like you're having fun without me, Shepard._

Yeah well - SHOOT THE EXPLODEY THINGY! - what can I say? I'm the life and soul of the parARRGHHty, damnit Tali! Hold on Wrex. Alenko, is it dead?

_~It's..._

~Yeah but...

_~How come you're the only one who..._

~Standard issue actually...

_~Ooh, medigel!_

Okay, we're good. So what do you guys want?

_Well, like I said, we're in the lower tunnels and there's this guy here..._

There's a guy in the colony, ooh, unusual. Just send him back to the freighter.

_He doesn't want to go! I think he might be crazy. He keeps talking to himself and yelling. What should we do?_

I find the best remedy for a crazy person is to just punch them.

_With all due respect, ma'am, you can't just go around punching people because they behave oddly. _

_Why not?  
_Why not?

_Because it's wrong! What if he genuinely needs help?_

That's what the punching is! Ugh, Wrex - you're in charge.

_What!_

_Looks like you're finally seeing sense. So I can shoot him then?_

Yeah, whatever. I have to go- wait, what?

...

Was that a gunshot? What was that? What's going on over there?

_WREX, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?_

_What? _

What? What what what?

_Commander, Wrex just shot that guy!_

He did wha- uhh, sorry Ashley, you're uh, you're breaking up! Sssshhhh wooosh... I can't hear a word you're saying sshhhhh-

_I SAID WREX JUST-_

Way too much static on the line! SHHH! Must be the geth! Gotta go!

**[End of Recording]**

* * *

**[Recording Entry: 10-d]**

So we're on our way back from ExoGeni HQ now. Alenko is driving and he's doing a fine job of it, if I may say.

_Thank you, Commander._

You're welcome. Anyway, for some reason we've picked up some broad from the underpass while we were there. Says she's a researcher who worked for ExoGeni. Actually, she's a damn liar. When we first met I asked her about the-

_Do you always speak into that thing? What are you doing? And I'm not a 'broad'!_

Why does everyone keep asking about this thing? Is it so hard to believe that I want to keep a diary? I may be an intergalactic badass but I am also a human and a fair maiden who needs to sift through her thoughts to make sense in this crazy world.

_Actually, I was referring to that it looks like you're just talking to your wrist._

Well I'm not. Also you're a liar! Why didn't you tell me about the thorian from the beginning?

_I...well, I was afraid! They told me I'd be next if I told anyone about it! _

See, this is why I hate scientists. I should punch you! I should punch every single one of you! You just sat by and let ExoGeni infect those people, no wonder they're all so creepy!

_When the attack happened I stayed behind to send a message to colonial affairs, that's why I got cut off from the rest of the team!_

My crew members are back there at the colony now! If something happens to them because you lied to me to save your own skin then I swear you'll regret it!

_Wow, Commander...I didn't know you felt that way. Let me just say that we all feel the same way about-_

Wrex owes me twenty credits!

_-never mind._

_~~~Is there anybody? Is there anybody picking this up? This is Juliana Baynham, please help us!~~~_

_That's my mother on the line! Stop the vehicle, I'm getting out!_

Ugh. We should go too. I think I'm getting a reward for finding her, right? I should probably discuss these things beforehand.

_Is that all you think about, Commander?_

It is now I realise I'm not getting paid. Eh, looks like trouble. Let's go in quietly...

_Get away from her you son of a bitch!_

...or we could go in loudly, cursing.

_Alright! Come out where I can see you!_

Alright, alright. We're comin' out. It's just us again.

_Damnit, Shepard. I knew it was too much to hope the geth would kill you._

What the hell! What did I do?

_I read some interesting facts about you. I heard what you did during the blitz._

That was really hurtful!

_It doesn't matter anymore. Communications are back up. ExoGeni wants this place purged._

I can't believe you said that. Did you hear what he said, guys?

_We heard, Commander._

There's always one. Always one guy who has to be contrary. I worked my ass off to become a Spectre, to become a hero! An idol of the poor, uneducated masses! A symbol of beauty and perseverance! There's always one fucker who just _has _to go against the grain isn't there-

_You're a Spectre? There aren't any human Spectres!_

There are! I'm a god damn Spectre! You think you've got problems? You should try being me - you've got a bunch of whiny colonists and a few geth and you think the world is ending. I don't get paid for this you know! You've got a big mind-controlling plant and you think it's the end of the line. I'm above the rank and file! I should totally just shoot you.

_Commander, please. Calm down. Maybe you'll feel better if you eat something?_

I can't. I gave my snacks to the colonists.

_That was nice of you._

It was, wasn't it?

_You know what would also be nice?_

What?

_If you dealt with the thing that's driving the colonists crazy._

Ugh...

_Right?_

Yeah, I guess so...let's leave these bastards to their own issues. Alright, move out!

_Wait, Shepard! Before you go, take these special grenades-_

No time! I have a job to do!

_Commander Shepard, please!-_

**[End of Recording]**


	11. Entry 11

**[Recording Entry: 11-a]**

I just...was it my fault? Is god punishing me, diary? Was my heavy armour too revealing? I wanted to make an entry but...I just don't think I can do this right now. I need to shower. That's okay right? Or maybe I shouldn't shower for when the forensics team investigate! Dr. Chakwas! Is it okay for me to shower or should I-

_For the last time, Commander, you were not 'mind-raped'._

I WAS and I'm going to do everything in my power to see this sick bastard brought to justice!

_We've been through this already! The mind-meld is an asari ability that simply allows them to 'connect' to you through-_

THEY ALSO USE IT FOR MATING! I WAS FUCKED IN THE BRAIN. I FEEL- oh my god. What if she wants my babies? Oh my god! I CAN'T BE A FATHER, CHAKWAS. I JUST CAN'T! I KNEW I FELT WEIRD!

_I think that's more likely a side effect of receiving the cipher._

It's a side effect of having my dignity stripped away! I can't believe Alenko and Tali'Zorah just stood by and watched while I was...while I was...ohhh!

_Commander..._

That's it. I'm not showering until I get to C-Sec. Hey, get that cop in here, I want to make a report!

**[End of Recording]**

* * *

**[Recording Entry: 11-b]**

Diary, I simply cannot believe how harsh Dr. Chakwas is. I'm a SICK person and SICK things have been done to me and she kicked me out of the medical bay because apparently it's only for injured people! In what way am I not injured? Even that cop won't help me! He asked me to stop calling him 'cop' too, apparently he quit. I wasn't notified of this. Does he work for the Alliance now or something? Well, whatever. I'm going to remember this the next time they come asking me for help. "oooh Shepard, the colony is on fire!", "oooh Shepard, the batarians are attacking!" How about "OH, EVERYONE. I GOT RAPED BY AN ASARI AND YOU DON'T CARE."

I tell you, diary. They can forget the Artemis Tau cluster. Our next port of call is going to be Noveria, at least I won't have to deal with any asari there. First though, we're stopping by the Citadel to explain to Udina what happened, and how it obviously wasn't my fault. I swear diary, everybody is out to get me. They're so damn jealous.

Speaking of jealous, Wrex says I smell like ass because I said I wouldn't shower this green gunk off my armour. If I'm meeting with Udina I guess I'll have to wash it off. Maybe I'll put on some civilian clothes, might as well return those shoes while I'm there. Anyway I'm going to hit the showers before we arrive at the Citadel. LOOKS LIKE JUSTICE LOSES AGAIN.

Lady Liberty would be crying right now. If we could find her.

**[End of Recording]**

* * *

**[Recording Entry: 11-c]**

I don't see why I need to be here in person to give you these details.

_Because your entire report was just twelve pages of insisting that you were 'mind raped' interspaced with clip art. _

I WAS! WHY DOES NOBODY BELIEVE ME?

_Whatever the case, Shepard, I have been receiving complaints since you removed the geth presence from the colony at Feros. _

I removed it. Why are people complaining?

_That's what I want to know, so take a seat and start at the beginning and tell me just what the hell happened on Feros. _

Alright, fine. We touched down on Feros at about 09:00 hours and a small team consisting of myself, the Quarian Tali'Zorah and Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko, made our way into Zhu's Hope which was for the most part just rubble and makeshift barricades. It was awful, just awful. There was like, one shop, and it didn't sell anything good. I spoke to a few of the colonists but they were shifty as hell and just kept tellin' me to talk to this Fai Dan guy who was in charge. At the time we thought it was because of the geth, yeah? Like not everyone can handle situations as well as yours truly. We didn't know until later that it was actually, wait no. Spoiler alert! I'll get to that later. Anyway all I can say is we didn't know.

_Get on with it, Shepard._

Okay, so I goes and speaks to this Fai Dan guy, who tells me that the geth are stationed up in ExoGeni HQ and that there's no water, food or power. Before I set off for the skyway I left them some supplies and gave Williams orders to go down into the lower regions of the colony to try and fix the water supply because, well, you can't just leave them like that, can you?

_I'm sure your efforts were appreciated for all of an entire day, Commander. Continue._

Yeah, so I takes Alenko and Tali in the rover to HQ because if the geth are there, that's most likely where Saren is. Turned out to be a total waste of time, mind you. If there's anywhere I should have been investigating it was right beneath the damn colony where we landed. The geth were just dicking around. Saren wasn't there, I don't think he ever was. We were looking for a way inside the building when I met this researcher who gave me her access card. At this point we are so far from our original objective that I can't even see it anymore - we just sort of went with the flow and made do with getting rid of the geth ship that was blocking communications. Man, why do geth ships look like a big bugs? I mean it's cool, but it's still weird. Anyway I came across this VI and while I was searching through this researcher's personal files, you know - as you do, I came across info on an experiment they were doing on the colonists back at Zhu's Hope. Something about a plant that controls people's minds? It sounded like bullshit so I ignored it and made my-

_You ignored it? _

Wouldn't you? They're talking about a _mind-controlling plant._ I thought they were just being wordy. I figured it must be whatever was making the colonists all crazy an' shit but I didn't think it was _actually _controlling their minds.

_So this entire incident was created when you blatantly chose to ignore the warnings? Commander, I cannot imagine what you have to say in your defence._

...I could say that in my defence I was totally unaware I had the ability to punch a grown man to death.

_The colony was all but wiped out, Shepard!_

ExoGeni should have told us about the Thorian beforehand. I thought it was something in the water! I wasted so much time making trips back to the ship for Evian - not to mention now I look like a total prick.

_We've already had too many failures in the Traverse as it is without adding more tragedy to our record-_

Oh, who cares about the Traverse! Can I finish my story now?

_I can only hope the rest of your story is worth hearing!_

It is! We picked up the researcher and headed back to Zhu's Hope, dropped her off somewhere along the way, oh, I met this incredibly rude man while I was there, you should have heard the things he said-

_The thorian! Get to the part with the thorian!_

I'm getting to it! So we got back to the colony and um, _dealt with_ the colonists, who had for some reason chosen to go all loco and started attacking us. Seriously, they attacked us first okay? Like with guns and everything. Those scientists are making it sound like they were waving pitchforks and I was gunning them down from a chopper. I didn't fire on a single one of them. Nobody got shot. Except that one guy...and he shot himself, I swear.  
Anyway after the 'incident', we removed the barrier that was blocking the entrance to the underground passageway and went down to find this bloody plant-

_And what happened?_

Let me tell the story! We went down to find this plant, only it turned out that pretty much everyone ever had lied to us, including the VI who isn't even capable of treachery because IT WAS NOT A PLANT.

_What was it?_

It was a big sloppy bag monster.

_A big...could you be more specific?_

I could give you details, but it would ruin sex for you forever - although if I think about it I'd probably feel a lot better knowing you weren't gettin' any either so if you must know it looked like a-

_No need, Shepard. Just tell me what happened next._

-Hmph. Well it was clinging to the walls with these huge pustulous tentacles and, you know what, this is awful. It was just gross okay? I have never wanted to kill anything so badly in all of my life, and it was surrounded by these...these things. Like monsters.

_What were they? Were they repurposed colonists?_

I don't know what they were! They definitely weren't human. They looked like the foot soldiers of the damned with gaping eye sockets and skin that melted over cartilage and when you shot them they exploded into this putrid green shit that splattered all over my visor and, oh I'm sorry, were you enjoying that danish?

_...you..._

Are you going to finish that? Can I-? Thanks. Anyway, as I was saying they looked and smelled like rotting corpses and compost and shambled around like zombies and there was a _fucking thousand of them_. Well, we were about to lay some charges on it and just blow the thing up when the thorian starts hurking up all this mucus and all of a sudden this bloody asari pops out!

_Ah, the asari._

Yes._ The asari. _She immediately started bitching at us for being there and started throwin' biotics around so we legged it off up a flight of stairs and ran into a huge mob of those zombies. The other two were freaking out and I tried to calm them down but it wasn't happening and then I thought, you know what, whatever, and just started firing at pretty much anything that moved and cleaving my way through all these disgusting tentacles that were all over the place. Meanwhile the sloppy bag monster downstairs keeps barfing up these asari who keep popping up out of nowhere and smacking us with biotics. It was pretty hectic, but I realised that the tentacles were what was keeping it up and after cutting through enough of them the thing just shlupped off the wall and fell into a big hole. So that was that, I guess.

_I see, and then what happened?_

Nothing really happened after that.

_Shepard..._

There's...not really a lot to tell, it's not very interesting.

_Well?_

Well what?

_What happened!_

Ugh...

_Is it the 'mind-rape'?_

...it is the mind-rape.

_Shepard, you cannot possibly expect me to report to the Council that you were mind-raped by an asari!_

But I was! Why doesn't anybody care! She told me that she'd give me some information that would help me understand the vision I got at Eden Prime. She called it a cipher, said it was...knowledge of an entire civilisation or something, and that she couldn't put it into words because I'm colour-blind. I'm not though, but she was like 'Shepard! Reach out into the universe!' and then-

_-and then she gave you the cipher?_

She didn't give me anything! She just brain-fucked me and ran off!

_Shepard, there are no words. I cannot begin to tell you how much trouble you are causing for us here at the embassies. Fortunately one of our officers at C-Sec was there to remove your report before it was processed._

Corrupt! This system is corrupt!

_If word of this gets out it will cause a media uproar! Shepard, you are not to file any more complaints about that asari, do you understand me? Now you'd better get going. We are running out of time and Saren is still out there._

No wonder he went crazy, she said she learned everything she knew from Benezia! If I find that beacon maybe _I'll_ bring the reapers back. At least _they'd_ do something about that asari...

_Out, Shepard!_

**[End of Recording]**


	12. Entry 12

**[Recording Entry: 12-a]**

Being on the Citadel really takes a lot out of me. there are just so many people who all want a piece of the famous Commander Shepard. It's so hard being a celebrity, I barely get any Me-Time anymore. I invested in a pair of sunglasses before I hit the Wards in the hope that in spite of wearing my famous monogrammed armour people wouldn't recognise me. But they did. Such is life, I guess. I met that reporter Emily Wong again. She thanked me for the files I gave her last time. I don't even remember doing that. This time she wants me to sneak into Traffic Control and plant a spy bug in there. Apparently air control are overworked or some bullshit an' it's effecting safety or something. She thinks they have it bad? What about me? I don't get paid for this! I told her I'd do it if she paid me up-front, but I'm not about to go putting bugs into restricted areas, that's crazy shit man! I probably won't see her again though so it's alright.

**[End of Recording]**

* * *

**[Recording Entry: 12-b]**

I was up in Citadel Tower pickin' coins out of the fountain when Rear Admiral Kahoku came over an' asked me to check out why one of his teams has gone missing out in the traverse. I don't really feel like doing anything official right now so I'm gonna go ahead and check it out. After punchin' that colony to death I feel like I should probably do some good deeds or something, people have been lookin' at me funny since it happened. They think that colony had problems? What about me!

Speaking of problems, I want to order some stuff off the extranet but I haven't set up a proper mailing address yet. The discount you get for being a Spectre is amazing! I'm gonna head down to the Wards and rent one of those customs lockers so I can stash all my shit in there.

**[End of Recording]**

* * *

**[Recording Entry: 12-c] **

Ohhh my goddd, just found this _amazing_ café here in the Wards that does a fabulous lemon meringue, like old-style meringue with a soft top instead of that crunchy shit. Reminds me of when mam used to take us to that pub back on Earth whenever we were there. _Diviiiine! _Nothin' better than a slice of old fashioned lemon meringue and a glass of squeezed orange juice. I ordered some to take away and the guy gave me like eight napkins. What's that about? I wasn't planning on sharing, is it not acceptable to eat an entire cake by yourself anymore?

Whatever. I'm a SPECTRE, the rules do not apply to me.

**[End of Recording]**

* * *

**[Recording Entry: 12-d]**

Ran into that blonde guy in the lower markets again, the one that asked for my autograph last time. He says my grace and skill have inspired a whole legion of admirers. It's inevitable, but it's nice to run into someone who's not afraid to say it and isn't ashamed to express his awe at meeting me. Where did those golden days of heart-sleeves and honesty go? The galaxy is such a dreary place!  
He asked for a photograph of me. I think he likes me. I was happy to oblige so I gave him my best bad-girl pose (like the one I'm reserving for Fornax when they inevitably ask for me.) It's nice to know I can still connect with the common folk on at least some kind of level. Sometimes I feel like I'm going far away to a place where the ordinary people can't reach me, like...I can't help it. It's my destiny to be greater but when I think of the people I'm leaving behind, the people I'm denying the pleasure of my company, well...it really hits home, you know? He says he's going to hang it in his living room and that his wife is going to love it. It's nice to know I have touched the hearts of two fans today.

I'm feelin' pretty good! I think I'll treat the guys to some ice cream before we head out.

**[End of Recording]**

* * *

**[Recording Entry: 12-e]**

Okay, so I was on my way to the galaxy map when I notice that there's these two guys at the top of the stairs and everytime I go through they salute me. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. It's starting to freak me out, man. Like this mornin' I tried to just sort of sneak past one of them and I thought I was in the clear but the door beeped and HE DID IT AGAIN! Why are they even there? Shouldn't they have something better to do? I think I'm going to have to watch them for a bit and see if there's some kind of roster for door-saluting duty.

In other news, we're headin' off to the Sparta system now to find those missin' guys. Then we're gonna check out the Armstrong Nebula to follow up some info that I nabbed off an unsecured geth port on Feros. Maybe we'll get lucky and pick up some better leads on Saren.

**[End of Recording]**


	13. Entry 13

**[Recording Entry: 13-a]**

Hey C-Sec.

_Commander, nice work down there. I knew working with a Spectre would be better than life in Citadel Security._

Hell yeah it's better than working on the Citadel! C-Sec is like the mall guard of the galaxy. It ranks somewhere between rent-a-cop and that guy who makes sure you have a ticket when you ride rapid transport.

_Uh, yeah...well it must be nice getting to make your own rules? At C-Sec things have to be done by the book. The damn bureaucrats are always on your back._

Well to be fair, I'm a Spectre and they're still on my back. Udina is always orderin' me around. "Shepard! Don't bring your grenade launcher into the office!", "Shepard! Don't pour omnigel onto my keyboard!", "Shepard! You can't eat plastic fruit!" I'm a Spectre though so I don't technically _have_ to listen to him.

_Really? Well that...doesn't sound so unreasonable, actually._

And the assignment reports, god! Take Feros for example. Sure, we could have snuck back to the Normandy for knock-out canisters and brought in a med crew but that would have taken like, a day! Why should you have to skirt around the rulebook when you can just rifle-butt your way through a problem?

_But you had bigger concerns! There were greater things at stake than a few colonists. You needed to take down the Thorian before it could enslave anybody else! _

Not really. Sometimes the best solution is to just set everythin' on fire and call it a day.

_So this is what my father tried to warn me about..._

What was that?

_Nothing, Commander. I'd better get back to work. You've given me a lot to think about..._

That's what I'm here for! See you later C-Sec!

**[End of Recording]**

* * *

**[Recording Entry: 13-b]**

We've just arrived at the Armstrong Cluster and received a message from Hackett. Apparently he already knew about the geth activity out here and they've managed to locate at least four bases. All of these bases appear to be in different systems. Damnit. This is going to take ages. I came here to take the geth out but I didn't think it was going to be this much work. Now I don't really want to do it but Hackett knows I'm here already. It's not like I can just sneak off...or can I? Maybe if I just...

**[End of Recording]**

* * *

**[Recording Entry: 13-c]**

...no. Apparently I can't.

**[End of Recording]**

* * *

**[Recording Entry: 13-d]**

Nice! I found a wicked dinosaur skull while I was planet-side. Gonna stick it in my quarters, ooh- or maybe I'll hang it over the door to the briefing room! Williams says it's nasty and that dinosaurs aren't real. I think it's _cowboy chic_ and that she's just jealous. Headin' to the next system now for the second outpost.  
I'll take Tali on this one. I'm worried that if she spends too much time in the engine room she'll bake her own head. The only time I can get her to leave is when the geth are involved. Still, I can see why she likes it down there. The mass effect core is so shiny, like a great big disco ball that wants to melt the dance floor.

I'm also takin' Alenko because, well, I'm one of only like, three human females on this ship so the way things are lookin' I stand a pretty good chance of getting in there. Step one: impress him. If I take him on a couple of missions then he'll see how cool and heroic I am, plus I can have him hang back and then he'll have a chance to look at my ass.

**[End of Recording]**

* * *

**[Recording Entry: 13-e]**

Two down, two to go! We're makin' pretty good progress. Man, I kill a lot of geth. I wonder if there's some sort of award for this. I should ask about getting a raise on my Alliance paycheque. I deserve at least that much. It's hard enough being a Spectre as it is. I can't believe I don't get paid for this! Ugh, whatever. One day I will have a geth colossus and I will ride it into work.

**[End of Recording]**

* * *

**[Recording Entry: 13-f]**

Okay, so we know that the geth put the humans they capture onto giant metal spikes. We know that these spikes then somehow turn the victims into techno-husks. We know that the techno-husks explode when you shoot them. What I don't know is when they're turned into husks - _where do their clothes go? _

**[End of Recording]**

* * *

**[Recording Entry: 13-g]**

There were five camps. Their base of operations was on a small moon in the Grissom system. We got 'em all though.

_From your report it sounds as if they were planning on making a major attack on the verge._

There were like four tiny camps, _one_ drop ship and an empty warehouse. If you really think they're planning on attacking then this ship has already sailed, Sir.

_Well if they weren't planning on attacking, what do you think they were doing out there?_

Browsin' the extranet?

_Browsing the extranet?_

Yeah. There aren't any comm links beyond the Veil. Maybe they had to come out to get a good connection?

_And what makes you think they were here to browse our extranet._

Because I saw them browsing the extranet?

_...what were they looking for?_

Music videos, apparently.

_Music videos. Right. Okay, well...you have our gratitude, Shepard. Hackett out._

Wait! Hackett?

_Yes, Shepard?_

Since I'm the first human Spectre, does this mean I'll get a system named after me like Grissom did?

_..If you find one._

Hmm...

**[End of Recording]**


	14. Entry 14

**[Recording Entry: 14-a]**

Got a message from a Nassana Dantius. Apparently her sister has been kidnapped and is being held hostage somewhere in the Artemis Tau. I'm goin' that way anyway so I told her to forward me the credits and I'd check it out when I was there. I'm a commando now!

Hm, why does Artemis Tau sound so...shit! That's one of my assignments! I should have figured it out when Kahoku asked me. I wonder if I can get out of this...we took down all those geth and still aren't any closer to finding the beacon but doing proper work right now sounds _so boring_. Then again I already got paid, not to mention they _still_ haven't forgiven me for Feros...ugh, I'd better tell Joker to engage the stealth systems, if I have to go down I at least don't want brass findin' out that I dropped by and didn't do any work. I hope I don't accidentally stumble across that researcher while I'm ground-side.

**[End of Recording]**

* * *

**[Recording Entry: 14-b]**

Time for some heroics! You ready guys? Alenko? Garrus?

_Ready._

_Ready, Commander._

Alright, let's do this! Ow, fuck!

_Commander, you can't...it's a reinforced electronic door. You can't kick it open._

I know that. I was just making sure it was up to ExFi regulations. It is. Good, we can continue. Just let me...alright, hold on, almost there...okay, unlocked. Let's go!

_..._

ALRIGHT, NOBODY MOVE! THIS IS COMMANDER SHEPARD OF SPECIAL TACTICS AND RECONNAISSANCE, PUT YOUR HANDS WHERE I CAN SEE THEM!

_Shit! It's the alliance!_

_HIDE THE SAND!_

_WARP 'EM!_

_Ah! My coffee!_

_What! Are you okay?_

_No! Damn it, my shirt is ruined!_

_I WILL DESTROY THEM! _

HEY HEY! NOBODY IS DESTROYING ANYBODY! IF YOU WORK WITH ME HERE NO ONE WILL GET HURT. Well, I mean..._probably_ no one will get hurt. In theory, at least.

_Well are you going to hurt us or not!_

I don't know! I mean how long are we even thinking of here? Even if you work with me now there's always a chance I'll shoot you later on some completely unrelated matter. And what if I _don't_ shoot you? In your line of work there is still the very real danger of being hurt by someone who isn't me. You might even be hurt by proxy.

_What do you mean 'by proxy'? _

Like, um...if I happen to blow up the HQ of a company you have stocks in and then you lose a lot of money and you have to move into a really small crappy apartment complex and then I blow that up too - while you're not in it.

_But that's not physical, does that really count?_

Ugh! No, you're right. We need to set clearer terms to this. Okay, what about this - the truce only applies to those of us in this room now, and we limit the pain to just physical pain so even if one of us gets offended or upset we still don't start shooting. Also, we limit the time to just being like, today. That means if we see each other tomorrow or next month or something it won't matter and we'll be back to normal. What do you think?

_I don't know...can we trust them? What do you think?_

_It's three relays to the nearest Starcups, I've got nothing left to lose!_

_Don't be like that! It sounds legit, I say we go for it._

_Tell them we agree if they get me another one._

_Hmm...alright, that sounds acceptable. We agree! We'll lower our guns if you bring us more coffee._

Well...I guess that's only fair. I mean we did break in and to be honest I could go for somethin' right now. Alenko, contact the Normandy and tell them to put Ashley on the line.

_On it, Commander. Joker? Is that - yeah can you put Ashley on the line? No, it's going alright, yeah. Yeah, it's fine. We're in talks now. Just put Ashley on the line. Alright, Ashley? Is that you? Okay Commander, she's on the line._

Ashley, we need your help. I've got a mission for you.

_Really, ma'am? Alright, I can do that! What do you need?_

I need, um...one of those all-day-breakfast paninis and a...hmm. I think I'll have a chai tea latte. Should I have the latte? Or one of those blended ones?

_...Ma'am? _

_I like the latte. I'll have that, can I get one of those big cookies as well?_

Okay, two chai tea lattes, a big cookie, my panini and, wait, let me turn off the recorder. What is everyone else having?

_I want a mocha-light with soy and extra foam._

_That sounds pretty good actually, I think I'll have-_

**[End of Recording]**

* * *

**[Recording entry: 14-c]**

Is that my-? That's my sandwich? Ooh, that looks good. Okay, does everybody have their order?

_I ordered soy!_

Williams said they ran out of soy.

_Ugh, never mind. We're good._

Okay, let's lower our weapons then. Does anybody have a coaster? I don't want to get a ring on this table - you know what, I'll just use this napkin. Okay, the truce is in effect. Let's get this over with and then we can all go back to doing what we were doing. Except you, who has to stop holding people hostage. We're here for the girl.

_What girl?_

What girl? What...girl...I forgot her name. The asari! Dantius' sister!

_Nassana? That's my sister. I'm Dahlia Dantius._

Oh. Well...are you okay?

_I'm fine! I'm not a hostage. I work here._

Nassana told me you were being held hostage! She said she'd sent the ransom but they never released you!

_Ooh, that bitch! She set us up! I've been blackmailing her for a while now, that's what the credits were for._

That's harsh. Why were you blackmailing your own sister? My brother tried to blackmail me once but our mother found out and punished both of us.

_Because she's a diplomat! If the other emissaries knew that her sister was a pirate she'd be disgraced, so I've been blackmailing her._

That sounds like a pretty sweet set up. Maybe I could blackmail your sister too?

_No way! She's my sister, plus you're in an important position too. You'd get in trouble if anyone found out._

So she's effectively paying me to kill you...what the hell, I'm going to have to wait until tomorrow!

_Look, you seem like an alright sort...there is another way._

...I'm listening.

_She sent you here, which means she's sick of playing with me now. I guess this just got too dangerous. What if you were to go back to the Citadel and kill her for me instead?_

Why should I do that? I can just kill you here and now and have done with the whole thing.

_Look, don't be like that. You have to go back to the Citadel eventually anyway, and I'll match whatever she paid you, with a bonus for your trouble._

Well...I _could_ use the credits...I mean it's not as if I get paid for being a spectre!

_You don't?_

No!

_Well it's decided then, isn't it! Here, I'm transferring the credits to your account now. Five thousand sound good?_

Five will do nicely! Ah, I knew today would be a good day.

_It's been a pleasure doing business with you, Commander Shepard._

You too...asari lady. We'll finish up our coffee and then head back to our ship. You'll know the job's done when you hear it on the extranet.

**[End of Recording]**

* * *

**[Recording Entry: 14-d]**

Here, let me climb over to that side, my door is blocked. S'cuse me Garrus - right, let's head back to the ship. Hm, seems we're clipped.

_You should park the mako more carefully, Commander._

It's fine, Kaidan. Why are you taking that tone with me anyway?

_Why? Isn't it obvious? You're supposed to be stopping Saren and here you are running around the galaxy like some common mercenary! I can't believe you agreed to assassinate that emissary! _

You can't yell at me! I'm a spectre _and_ your commanding officer!

_Yeah, you are. And you should behave like it._

Look, Lieutenant, I know you think the galaxy is all roses and hugs but sometimes you have to do things that might disagree with your morals. Sometimes you have no choice.

_You have a choice!_

I did, and I made it! We need those credits Kaidan. I don't get paid for this!

_Commander! This isn't about your pay cheque!_

No, it's not! It's about gear and weapons, which I have to pay for! Do you think we can stop Saren with these 50cr pistols? Right now Saren is so far above us that even if we _did_ find him, we'd have no chance!

_Commander, you can't guilt me into thinking this is right. There are plenty of -_

I mean it's either this one conniving diplomat or thousands, possibly millions of lives! The choice seems easy, doesn't it?

_Commander, that's not how choices work. Those two things are completely unrelated!_

Alenko, this discussion is over! I've made my decision and it is final! Now...why won't this damn rover start! Ugh! I'll floor it!

_Commander, no! We're caught on something! _

It's fine! My mako can drive over ANYTHING - wait, almost...what IS that on our back wheel - oh god!

_It's a containment pack! Shepard, stop the vehicle!_

I can't! It's jammed! Can you see what it - ARGH!

_EVERYBODY GET DOWN!_

_..._

Is it...is it over? Ugh, is everyone okay? Garrus?

_I'm fine Shepard. The armour on this rover is surprisingly sturdy._

No kiddin', here let me get out...Kaidan, you good?

_I'm alright, Commander. I guess we're used to being thrown around in the mako._

Ha, true, but I don't think we're getting this flipped over again now.

_We should head back to the base and see if...they...have..._

Oh...wow...

_That...is a lot of fire._

It must have ricocheted off the generator...that's what you get for using these cheap sub-par habitat setups.

_Didn't help that the door was wide open..._

Does this count as breaking the truce?

_Do you think anyone's still alive in there?_

I...would be surprised.

_Should we call someone?_

Hm. Yeah. Call Nassana Dantius. Tell her the job is done.

_Commander! _

What? I thought you wanted this. Well, you're right. I've decided we shouldn't kill the emissary after all. There you go. Never say I don't listen to your suggestions.

_Jane, you are such a -_

Oh leave it out. I'm going over there to call Joker.

**[End of Recording]**


	15. Entry 15

**[Recording Entry: 15-a]**

Ashley, let me borrow a hair brush. I left mine back at the geth base. Saaad face.

_Well, alright. I was hoping to talk to you anyway. Can I get a minute of your time? Off the record._

Is this about how I never take you anywhere again? Because we're going to hit the Citadel after this mission and I was totally going to bring you with us. We're going for drinks.

_No, it's not about that, although that bothers me too, but - alright...I know things are different aboard the Normandy but...I'm concerned about the aliens. Vakarian and Wrex. Should they have full access to the ship? _

Yeah, they have full access but it's not as if they actually go anywhere. They're either here or in the canteen. I'm pretty sure Garrus sleeps in the mako, I keep findin' biscuit crumbs on the back seat. But it's not like I'm going to lock them in a cupboard.

_I'm not saying you should lock them up or anything, just that this is the most advanced ship in the Alliance navy. I don't think we should give them free reign to poke around our vital systems. You know, engines, weapons, sensors. Stuff they can take back._

Take back and do what? The turians co-designed this ship an' I don't think you could even group up krogans together long enough to build a ship.

_I'm just saying I'd be more comfortable if we didn't allow them access to the engines and the CIC. We - humanity, I mean - have to learn to rely on ourselves._

The exit off this ship is straight through the CIC, Ashley. Do you want me to fire them out the cargo bay every time we go out somewhere? Besides, I don't think having a few aliens is going to affect humanity as a whole. In fact it can only make us look good, right?

_I just think we should be prepared to go it without them. As noble as the Council are now, if their backs are against the wall, they'll abandon us. _

Well yeah, but that's because the Council is a bunch of assholes. They're still pissed that we gave 'em what for in the First Contact war. Anyway, it's only until Udina manages to wheedle his way in. Then we're set.

_I don't think it's personal...look, if you're fighting a bear and the only way to escape is to sic your dog on it and run, as much as you love your dog, you'll do it. Because it's not human. It's not racism. Not really...members of their species will always be more important to them than humans are._

It...it sounds racist. Like, really racist. Are you sure it's not racism? You know those guys are like, just over there, right? They can probably hear us! God, look at Wrex. He looks like he's about to kill someone!

_Ma'am, he always looks like that._

You're in the navy, Williams. Being around aliens is part of our job. If they bother you so much why did you even sign up?

_My father, my grandfather, even my grandmother. We all picked up a rifle and swore an oath of service. It runs in the family, and I guess we just tend to think of earth's interests as our own. _

Ooh! My family is with the service too! You related to anyone we might know?

_Couldn't say, Commander. We probably have a lot in common. You join the alliance to carry on the tradition?_

Actually, I wanted to be a ninja but when my brother and I came of age our mother forged our signatures and enlisted us both before we could run off. Says we're more likely to get killed on our own than, say, fighting in a war or some shit.

_I didn't know you had a brother!_

Yeah, his name is John but his crew got eaten by a thresher maw so now he's just moochin' around on mam's ship and claiming injury.

_Oh..._

He's not a bad guy though! We're both soldiers. Pretty much the same grades and distinctions but we're not allowed to serve together 'cause apparently we're worse when we're paired up, whatever that means. We're all navy though so we're used to meeting other races. In fact my brother's very fond of asari. Hmm, haven't you worked with aliens before?

_No ma'am. I've mostly been groundside. I did get a rotation on a space station though. Every marine a rifleman, every rifleman zee-gee certified._

That's hardly a career. It's not as if you're crap or anything. You should have been serving on a ship like the rest of us. Why would they keep you groundside?

_Uh...I couldn't say. Anyway, that's why I haven't served with many aliens._

Huh...well, alright, whatever. Look, Williams. I don't care if you're racist or whatever it is you do in your spare time but could you be racist quietly? It's kind of frowned upon. You'd make me look bad!

_But I'm not raci-_

Okayyyy! We're comin' in to land so we'll be heading to the Citadel later. If you're not ready when we dock there we'll leave you behind! Shepard out!

_Wait! You were recording that! I thought this was going to be off the rec-_

**[End of Recording]**

* * *

**[Recording Entry: 15-b]**

Hey, what is that? Let me get out and take a look. Ew, gross! A mummified salarian! Quick Alenko, check his pockets!

_Commander!_

I'm not doing it! That's nasty.

**[End of Recording]**

* * *

**[Recording Entry: 15-c]**

Okay, so we're picking up a distress signal from right...around...here - oh look! There they are! They're all taking naps! No, wait- OH SHIT! SHIT! SHIT!

_Commander, thresher maw on our right! _

Oh god, oh god no...this can't be happening. REVERSE, REVERSE, REVERSE! SHIIIT!

_Commander, calm down! Tali, take the turret! Commander, what is wrong with you?_

WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE! I'M TOO PRETTY TO DIE! DON'T LET ME DIE!

_JANE, PULL YOUR HEAD TOGETHER OR YOU'LL GET US ALL KILLED!_

IT WON'T MAKE A DIFFERENCE! THE END IS NIGH! THE BLACK BECKONS!

_FOR THE LOVE OF - GIVE ME THE DAMN WHEEL!_

THE DARKNESS APPROACHES!

_Tali! I'm bringing us round!_

_Got it! Charging the cannon now!_

GOODBYE CRUEL WORLD-

_What the hell is wrong with you Commander? Alright Tali, get ready to fire..._

NOOO! JOHN SAYS THAT IF YOU SHOOT A THRESHER MAW'S HEAD OFF IT WILL GROW TWO HEADS BACK!

_What the- and you believed him?_

IT'LL JUST KEEP GROWING HEADS FOREVER UNTIL THERE ARE A THOUSAND OF THEM AND THEN- TALI, NO!

_Firing...NOW! Damn! Just nicked it! Go round again!_

I can see the angels approaching...can you see the angels, Kaidan?

_Commander, you cannot see the angels._

I can! They're so beautiful! Can you see them Kaidan? Can you see the angels?

_Ugh. Tali, we're coming in to approach again. Get ready..._

The only way to defeat a thresher maw's thousand heads is to cut them off with a flaming sword! That's what John did!

_A flaming sword? Where did he get a flaming sword from?_

From a turian in the pub.

_Oh for fuc-_

_Firing! _

God, can you hear me? It's me, Jane, your favourite marine. I know we've had our differences in the past and I'm sorry about that whole puppy incident but please, please, please...if you make it so I get out of this alive I promise I'll start believing in you again. I'll start going to church on a Sunday - I'll even stop making fun of Ashley! Just please don't let the thresher maw tear me into a thousand pieces and digest me for a thousand years!

_IT'S HIT! IT'S DOWN! WE GOT IT!_

_Good work Tali! Commander, it's dead! We're safe, it's okay!_

It's dead? It's dead! Oh my god...my prayers. My prayers saved us...

_Seriously?_

Yeah! I prayed and my prayers were answered! Oh lord! Oh wondrous lord! Thou art kind and benevolent! Thou watches over your Shepard as she tends to her flock!

_Kaidan, should we..._

_I wouldn't bother. Let's investigate this wreckage._

I will smite down the thresher maws so that they might cower in the dust before my mighty mako!

_It looks like they were drawn here by this beacon. Why would this even be here?_

_I don't know but these are definitely Kahoku's men. We should let him know what happened to them._

_Okay, let's head back to the Normandy._

I will bring peace to the galaxy and unravel the mystery behind all this!

_It was the janitor all along, Commander. Are you ready to go?_

Oh, what? We're done already?

_Yes. We've deactivated the distress beacon and I've signalled for pick-up. _

Well that was easy.

**[End of Recording]**


	16. Entry 16

**[Recording Entry: 16-a]**

Kaidan! We've docked. We're going to the Wards for drinks. Are you coming?

_Sure, Commander. Do you have a minute first?_

Ugh fine, I guess- I mean, anything for my officers, Kaidan.

_Off the record, I think there's something wrong here. This Saren is trading people to aliens for some kind of lost knowledge and we can't get backup from the Council? There's writing on the wall here but someone isn't reading it._

There's...what writing?

_It just seems that a group that's been around as long as the council has, they should have seen this coming._

You mean the evil robots from beyond the stars and giant reaping tentacle ships?

_We get out here and the final frontier is already settled! And the residents don't even seem impressed by the view. Or the dangers._

Are you...are you speaking in some kind of code?

_I'm just not looking for the dream, you know?_

...I'm...not following.

_Sorry if I'm getting a little informal. Protocol wasn't big at BAat. _

Are we just making up random phrases now?

_The Vorcha is coming for tea._

Uh...and the Hanar floats at midnight?

_..._

Kaidan? Are you okay? You look-

_It shall be done, Commander._

Kaidan? Where are you going? What will be done? Kaidan? Kaidan!

...

God damn it. Does this mean he's not coming for drinks?

**[End of Recording]**

* * *

**[Recording Entry: 16-b]**

~~Equalizing interior pressure with exterior atmosphere. Logged: The commanding officer is ashore. XO Pressley has the deck.~~

You know, just once I'd like to come back in the middle of a party or a fire or something. Nothing ever happens when I'm gone. Pressley never does anything.

**[End of Recording]**

* * *

**[Recording Entry: 16-c]**

_Hey. Hey! You're one of the Shepard kids!_

Huh, that's right.

_Hey. Been a long time, huh? _

Must have been, I don't think I remember you man.

_I worked with your mother. We served on the carrier Einstein but that was what, 12, 13 years back? You and that brother of yours were just kids then. I don't suppose you'd remember me though._

Einstein, Einstein...no wait. I do remember you! You taught us the code to get free Tupari out of the vending machine! Man, I still use that trick even now. Haven't paid for one since.

_I remember that. You guys emptied out the machine and your mother made you drink every bottle. You were up all night over the sink._

Yeah...good times! Weird seein' you here. Looks like you're not in the service anymore?

_'Retired' yeah. You know how it is. Times are tough for vets. They always are._

Oh...

_Yeah, well. Look, can you do me a favour? I hate hitting you up for money but a man has to eat. Could you spare something? Maybe 20 credits?_

Hm, yeah alright. I guess so. Here.

_Thanks. You're a good kid, you know what? You ever wanna talk I'll be around here. _

Alright man, see you later!

...

_Shepard, who was that?_

Oh, just some guy who used to work with my mother way back. He was pretty cool.

_I'm surprised you gave him money._

Yeah, well. Just don't tell anyone.

_I don't think he was going to use it to buy food though..._

Hm?

_You didn't smell his breath?_

Not my business, Tali.

_He's going to use it to buy more alcohol!_

Yeah? What's wrong with being a drunk? One day I'd like to be a drunk too! It looks awesome.

_But Shepard..._

Alright, alright. I'll phone me mother later an' ask her about it. Will that make you happy? Hey, c'mon. Cheer up. I'll show you that Tupari trick when we get to the Wards. Now let's go, everybody will be waiting for us.

**[End of Recording]**

* * *

**[Recording Entry: 16-d]**

Ugh...my head...myeh. Man these elevators are long.

_..._

Have we moved yet?

_Uh..._

Are we moving? Are we even moving?

_I think..._

Did you forget to push the button?

_..._

You did! Damnit. I'm going to be sick.

**[End of Recording]**

* * *

**[Recording Entry: 16-e]**

So...I stopped off at the Citadel today to visit Admiral Kahoku and tell him his men snuffed it. As I was getting off the ship I was stopped by Admiral McVities who started yelling at me because I ran off with his ship or something. He's just jealous. I told him to speak to Anderson and Udina but he said he had permission to do an inspection. Udina's pretty pissed right now because I was running around the galaxy looking for metal instead of doing my job - he doesn't understand how it is to not get paid - so I let the guy take a look around. I gave him a tour of all the best places on the ship and showed him our new ping pong table, which was looking pretty awesome until yesterday when someone stole the netting. Apparently he was not impressed. I don't get it, our rec room is stocked with the largest selection of drinks on any ship in the fleet! He says we have to turn it back into the briefing room before my next uplink with the council. It's not that big a deal. We move the inflatable palm trees and put a cover over the bar before we call them.

I think his main problem was that I was letting Wrex, Tali and C-Sec run around the ship without supervision. Or that I had them on at all, I don't know? I mean who does he think he is? Does he want to look into their beady foreign eyes and tell them they have to get off? It was awkward at first, I'll admit. I mean I was boarding the Normandy for the first time since she came under my command and they just sort of followed and, well...you know? I mean no one discussed it with me! I don't want to be _'that guy'_ or anything so I couldn't bring it up and then too much time had passed and also we weren't even in the same star system anymore so the window of action had closed.

As the first human Spectre I'm legally required to kick as much ass as possible and having non-human crew members looks all p.c. an' shit when I'm on the vids. Whatever, I don't even care anymore. The Normandy is my ship and I can do what I want with her. I was on the extranet last night and ordered some sweet eagle decals to put on the side so I'm totally looking forward to that. I wonder if I can file them under maintenance expenses?

Whatever Diary. Gonna go phone me mother.

**[End of Recording]**


	17. Entry 17

**[Recording Entry: 17-a]**

Computer, give me a real-time connection to the dreadnought Kilimanjaro, I want to speak to my mother, XO Shepard.

_Shepard spea - AHHH! _

What? What!

_Jane! I've been meaning to call you!_

Liar! If I didn't call you, you'd forget I existed. Why are you yelling at me?

_No, no...I really did mean to call you this time! We have a problem. It seems your idiot brother has gone missing again._

So?

_He's been gone for the past fortnight. We stopped off at Illium to pick up some licenses but he never came back. I've been waiting for him to contact me but he didn't and his connection is dead. I can't get in touch with him at all._

This isn't the first time he's disappeared. He's probably shacked up with another housewife somewhere. He'll turn up eventually.

_No, no, no! This can't be like last time! Brass says he's gone AWOL one too many times, he'll get in trouble if they find out he's gone!_

They don't know?

_No, but I can't hide it forever._

Uhhh...well I don't know what to tell you. I haven't seen him lately. In case you didn't notice I've been sort of busy lately, what with saving the galaxy an' all.

_Yes, yes. You're a spectre now, which is why I need you to find your brother before anyone else does. _

I can't just drop everything and go looking for him! I've got work to do. I'm sure he'll turn up when he gets bored of whatever it is he's doing right now.

_No. It's serious this time. If they find out he's run off again they'll court marshal him for sure._

What do you expect me to do about it?

_I don't know, just find him! If it ends up like last time and he gets plastered all over the vids again the Alliance will know I've been covering for him and I'll get in trouble too. Do you want your mother to get into trouble?_

I don't know...

_Well do you?_

No...I guess not...

_Exactly. Now I've got to go so remember, you have to find him! Good bye Jammy!_

NO WAIT, MUM-

_What? I have to go!_

Nooo- I phoned you up for a reason! See there's this vet in the wards, used to work with you back on the Einstein and he's-

_A vet? What? Jane you are not allowed any pets, you know what happened to the last one we got you-_

Not a pet! Not a vet! A veteran, an actual veteran! Remember, Zabaleta?

_See you later? _

No, mum! _Zabaleta!_ Hey...mum? Are you...seriously? Argh!

**[End of Recording]**

* * *

**[Recording Entry: 17-b]**

Anderson! Remember that time you- wait, what are you doing?

_Shh! Get down!_

Alright. What are you - hey! Is that my scope? I've been looking for that!

_Get off, Shepard! I need this._

Are you spying on people?

_Don't be ridiculous. I'm watching that Keeper._

What for?

_For any signs of suspicious activity, obviously._

Obviously.

_We're always being told not to disturb the Keepers, but why? We know almost nothing about them only that they were here on the Citadel even before the Asari came. But that's their story. Don't you think that's suspicious?_

Uh...I guess so?

_What is the asari - no, the entire council - hiding from us?_

I couldn't really say, Sir.

_I'm not the only one who thinks so either. There's a salarian by the name of Chorban working in the Citadel tower. He's asked me to scan all the Keepers but there's no way I can get close to them without them reporting back to the council. I can't do this alone, Shepard. I need your help._

You want me...to _scan_ the Keepers. How many?

_All of them._

SERIOUSLY?

_I know you're busy but you're still one of my soldiers and I know I can count on you. You're the only other person I can trust with this!_

Um, I hate to ask but...have you told Udina about any of this?

_I've been considering it but I'm not sure. He's not like us, Shepard. He's a diplomat, not a marine. Do you think he could handle this kind of information?_

You know what, he probably couldn't. In fact you should definitely not tell him. I tell you what, don't mention this to anyone, and I mean _anyone, _okay? If you go near them the council will definitely find out, so just stay away from the Keepers. Leave this to me, alright Sir?

_I knew I could count on you Shepard. That's a real weight off my mind. Just be careful okay? We don't know what they're capable of._

I will. So just don't tell anyone and sit tight. I'll bring you back the scans the next time I'm on the Citadel.

_Right, thank you. Now what else did you come here for?_

Hm? Oh, right! You said there was an agent for the shadow bookie somewhere in the embassies. I need to speak to him.

_Is this about your mission?_

Uh, yeah.

_I'll upload a marker to your omnitool now._

Okay, thanks. I'll be on my way then. And remember - sit tight! Don't do anything that could harm the mission!

_Will do, Shepard. Good luck out there._

_..._

_Uh...Commander?_

Don't say it, Alenko. Not a damn word.

**[End of Recording]**

* * *

**[Recording Entry: 17-c]**

_Ah, what's this? One of the Earth Clan, yes? And a very famous one. It is a great honour to welcome Commander Shepard, the Hero of the Blitz. _

Oh yay - you know about that! I'm also a Spectre now too.

_Ah, forgive me Earth Clan. Of course I had heard this was so but such an auspicious fact hardly seems worth mentioning to yourself._

No, but I do like the lofty titles I keep picking up.

_Ah, well then...Commander Shepard, True Hero of the Alliance; Humanity's first spectre; Hero of the Blitz; The Alliance Poster Girl; Drinker of Martinis; Slayer of Colonists; Exploder of Pup-_

Whoah, whoah, whoah! That's enough! Jesus, you know all that? How did you...even the last thing...

_My name is Barla Von and it is my job to know. _

So you _do_ work for the Shadow Bookie then?

_Most people here believe that I am a financial advisor, but my real currency is in information, and it has made me very wealthy._

Well, I need some information and somebody told me that you could help.

_I see. Of course I can help...for the right price. This is about the rogue agent Saren, is it not?_

What? No, no - fuck that guy. I'm looking for my brother. His name is John Shepard and he's been missing for the past two weeks.

_Yes, yes. Commander John Shepard. Born forty-seven minutes ahead of you on April 11th, 2154. Graduated the Systems Alliance N7 program at the same time as you and was assigned to the cruiser Bergen. Sole survivor of a thresher maw attack while scouting on the planet Akuze. Now serving in his capacity on the dreadnought Kilimanjaro. Last seen...in Nos Astra on the planet Illium in the company of several asari maidens. _

That's...pretty specific, actually, but it's still old news! I could have told you all that.

_I'm sorry if the information provided to you is insufficient. Surveillance in the immediate areas surrounding Nos Astra is limited and we had no reason to look into his whereabouts in any detail. However, it is unusual that this is the last time his image has been captured._

Huh, that sounds pretty suspect. Illium isn't known for its privacy, maybe something _did_ happen to him. Are you sure you can't tell me anything else? Anything else at all? Like, you know, if he was with anyone unusual or something?

_I'm afraid not, Commander. Everything seems routine and the asari he's with aren't notable figures. If you like I can put out a request for more information?_

Ugh, no...it's probably for the best if we just drop this. I don't want to get him in any trouble. Well, thanks anyway Barla.

_Very well, Commander. Is that all?_

Actually, since we're here and you know a lot of random stuff...you couldn't...you couldn't tell me how many illegitimate asari kids my brother has, could you?

_Hmmm. The word in my language is 'xxxuuuulschrt' but it would take approximately four days to translate it into your tongue, Earth Clan. Shall I begin?_

What? Jesus. No, okay. Forget I asked. In fact just give me the recipe for something that can wipe the past hour out of my head.

_I am uploading it to your personal omnitool now. Thank you for your purchase, esteemed Commander._

**[End of Recording]**

* * *

**[Recording Entry: 17-d]**

_Ah, welcome back, Commander Shepard. Is there something else I can do for you?_

Yooo...hey little dude...I was, I was won'erin' if you were like, with the stuff. The words...

_The...are you unwell Earth Clan? You seem to be acting rather strangely. I'm afraid I don't follow what you're saying._

You knowww! The hush-hush-shh! Hahaha!

_I'm sorry. The Commander insisted on coming back here after she followed the recipe you sold her._

_Ah, you are lieutenant Kaidan Alenko, yes? And this is the quarian Tali'Zorah of the Raaya. Do either of you understand what it is that she wants?_

I want the shadow dude! With the secrets! I hear'n you got the secrets in your...in your tummy...give me...I want the secrets...

_Earth Cla- wait! Stop that!_

Let me touches your tummy...aww yeah...

_Get her off of me!_

_Commander, no! Please behave yourself! Tali, help me out here._

No! Nooo! C'mon man, c'mon feel his little tummy...

_Earth Clan, I must insist that you stop touching me! This is harassment!_

Nooo, don't be like that tummy man. I came here 'cause...where's...have you seen my brother? His name is Jane...no that's me...his name is, it's John. He's John.

_Ah...then this must be the effect of the serum I gave her earlier today. It appears she has forgotten she was in here already. But this is highly unusual behaviour even under the circumstances._

Aww- listens to him all snuffly like a snuffly tummy. I wanna take him home with us...can you grab him for me?

_Stop that! You are her companions. Please, take her away from here._

_Come on, Jane. Leave the nice volus alone._

Nooo! I don't want to!

_This really is most unexpected. How much did she take?_

_She had a large glass when I saw her drink it._

Ohhh, Kaidan...your hair is so smooooth...

_Oh...oh dear. The recipe was for a small vial..._

_Oh hell. Is she going to be okay?_

_Well, yes...the effects should wear off eventually. But you should probably get her back to her ship and keep her under surveillance for the night._

_Alright, thank you. And sorry again. Come on Jane, we're going back to the ship now._

Nooo don't! Wait - yesss! Carry me like a princess though...

**[End of Recording]**


	18. Entry 18

**[Recording Entry: 18-a]**

Ugh...oh my god...where am I?

_Med bay._

Wha- why?

_I heard the doc say you drank a cup of cleaning fluid. Nice._

Hahaha...sweet. Hey, why is it so dark in here and wait! What're you-

_Tell you later. _

Tell me now!

_Go back to sleep. I need to borrow your room tonight._

But I'm not sleepy.

_It's alright. I have something for that._

What? What are you doing? Is that- wait- nnnmmmyyoo~

_G'night Jane..._

**[End of Recording]**

* * *

**[Recording Entry: 18-b]**

God diary, I think my head is about to explode...whatever that little jerk sold me wasn't for human consumption. Woke up in the med bay this morning with doctor Chakwas bitchin' at me for usin' her anaesthetic. She thinks I'm a drug addict! I didn't do shit. I don't even _remember _yesterday. Whatever, I'm starving. Goin' to head over to the kitchen for some breakfast. If they've eaten all the good stuff I'm gonna be pissed, ooh- hey wait, lady!

_Oh, sorry Commander Shepard...I didn't see you there..._

Yeah yeah, whatever. Are all the eggs gone yet?

_I couldn't say, Commander. There were some when I was there._

Some? God damn it. They know I need my protein in the morning. I need my eggs and my gin or I can't wake up. What kind of shitty café is this?

_I'm sorry, Commander. They didn't make as many as usual. It's just that...well..._

Well what?

_Well, nobody thought you'd be up this early._

I'm always up this early!

_Yes...but you don't usually..._

Don't usually _what?_

_You don't...I- I'm sorry, Commander! I have to go!_

Hey, hey wait! What the hell.

**[End of Recording]**

* * *

**[Recording Entry: 13-c]**

Just received a message from Udina tellin' me to get back to work so we're headin' to Luna to sort some bloody VI out before we wing it to Noveria. Also received a message from Anderson tellin' me to check under my bed for Keepers...still, it was nice _someone_ talked to me. I swear everyone else is avoiding me today. Even Tali won't talk to me and she hardly ever shuts up. People are lookin' at me funny too, even here in the CIC - although maybe that's because they can hear me? I should try whispering, it'ssss~a~ssssit~prsss~ssssert? Did that-? Ugh, I don't think it recorded. Whatever, diary. I don't even care anymore. I have enough trouble to deal with as it is without the crew making it worse. Someone has been in my cabin. I left a mars bar on my desk and now it's gone. Don't think I'll take this lightly. That was MY snack and I _will_ find out who took it.

Maybe I should try asking Alenko. He's usually near my quarters, he might have seen someone going in. Ooh, but what if it _was_ him? Biotics are greedy bastards.

**[End of Recording]**

* * *

**[Recording Entry: 13-d]**

Alenko.

_..._

Hey, Alenko?

_..._

Are you ignoring me? What the hell? I'm your Commanding Officer! You can't ignore me!

_Not according to regulations, Commander. But I thought we weren't all following regulations today._

What is that supposed to mean?

_You know what it means._

Oh god, not this again. I have no idea what you're talking about.

_That would make you one of the few people on this ship that doesn't._

What? What did I do? Is this about those turian insignias again? Because they will look _awesome_ on my Halloween costume.

_It's not about the insignias! It's...never mind. Whatever you do in the privacy of your own quarters is your call, Commander._

My quarters? Is this about my mars bar?

_What? Mars bar? No! It's about...last night._

What about last night? Is this why everyone is avoiding me? What happened last night!

_Everybody heard the noise coming from your room! It was obvious that you were...with someone._

What do you- ohhhh...WHAT? I was not!

_Commander, it's fine. You don't have to hide it from us. We're your crew, it's not like we're going to report you to brass or anything._

Report me for what! I haven't done anything!

_Commander..._

I was in the med bay all last night! Ask doctor Chakwas.

_You don't even want to hear what Chakwas is saying about you right now._

I am not a drug addict!

_Whatever you say, Commander. Look, we'll be coming in to land soon. You might want to go prep before the mission._

This is bullshit. Someone's been in my room!

**[End of Recording]**

* * *

**[Recording Entry: 13-e]**

_So this is Luna. I don't see why you were so excited to come here. _

Don't knock it, C-Sec. For years man looked up at this hunk of dirt and _dreamed. _You should be honoured that I'm letting you step foot on it.

_Wow, Shepard. I almost believed that._

It's true, and what can I say? I'm a bit of a romantic.

_So I heard!_

Oh, not you too! Is everybody on some secret mailing list or something?

_They're talking about it all over the ship._

I keep saying I didn't do anything!

_They're talking about that, too. I don't see what the problem is. It's not forbidden on Turian ships._

Look, the last time I got anywhere close to being laid was when that batarian put me in a chokehold.

_Is 'being laid' when-_

You don't need to know what that is, Tali.

_Your quarters are right by the sleeping pods. The night shift heard the noises coming from your room._

I was in the med bay!

_Taking drugs. They're talking about that as well._

Argh! Shut up! Look, if you guys aren't going to be in awe and amazement at this I'm sending you back to the ship.

_Why are you bringing us along anyway? What happened to Ashley and Kaidan?_

Alenko's being a dick right now and Williams keeps trying to get me to go to church after the whole thresher maw thing.

_Well, you did promise...I heard you Shepard._

I had it all under control! Now come on, we have to shut down this VI.

**[End of Recording]**

* * *

**[Recording Entry: 13-f]**

What the fuck! This is nothing like combat training! I would not be a soldier if real combatants were this damn creepy. Why would they even need toxic gas at a training facility?

_This is called binary, isn't it?_

Uhh, yeah. What does it say, Tali?

_Translating it now, Shepard. It's saying...help. Over and over again._

...now that is a mindfuck right there. God, guys. Let's get out of here before anything else goes wrong.

**[End of Recording]**

* * *

**[Recording Entry: 13-g]**

Ugh. This has been the worst day ever. Dudes think I'm some kind of sexual-deviant-drug addict, the moon is scaring me and I never did find out who took my mars bar.

If only there was some way to prove to them that I wasn't screwing around last night and that I really was in the med bay...like, some kind of device that I regularly recorded in to that would somehow prove my innocence...

...how does this damn thing work!

Where's the button to go through the files...Joker said they'd be in a folder right about, no wait, that's games. Ooh, that's my pedometer! I walked miles today! Oh, I forgot I had a library of cocktail recipes on here. Man, no wonder this thing is so slow...ugh, this is complicated. I should probably go on the site and see if there are any apps for playing back all this. Come to think of it - I probably should have checked if that was included before I downloaded it in the first place. I hope this thing really is recording and I'm not just speaking into my wrist...

_You look like you're just speaking into your wrist to me._

...AHHH! JOHN!

_Hey little sister! What's up?_

**[End of Recording]**

* * *

**To celebrate the first appearance of the super-cool John. the super-cool Gard Helset collaborated with me and made some artwork for you to enjoy!**

Here Come the Shepard Kids: iselen . deviantart . com/art/Here-Come-the-Shepard-Kids-229326213


	19. Entry 19

**[Recording Entry: 19-a]**

Mam's been looking for you.

_Oh shit! She wasn't here, was she?_

Oh god no. I phoned her up the other day and she yelled at me about it.

_Alright. I'll contact her and tell her myself._

Why? Are you staying? What are you doing here anyway?

_Is there a reason I shouldn't be? I was on Illium and I thought I'd come and visit you._

That was two weeks ago! And you didn't tell anyone you were coming. You're hiding something from me, what have you gone and done now?

_Harsh! Why do you always expect the worst from me?_

Because you're a very reliable guy.

_Well. Alright, if you must know there was something._

Yeah? Go on.

_I might have met a girl..._

Well that's obvious.

_And I may have said some things..._

What things?

_Things that in some cultures..._

In some cultures...

_Could be construed as a marriage proposal?_

You proposed to a girl? And now you're hiding because-

_-and her sister._

And her...what the hell? Alright, yeah, I can see how that might-

_They may also have been asari commandoes. _

...I'll get the bourbon.

**[End of Recording]**

* * *

**[Recording Entry: 19-b]**

Put water in mine!

_That's weak._

Whatever. Tell me about the girls.

_Well, their names were...Ilena? Tila? Raja? I don't know, something foreign. I met them in a bar in the industrial district and we had a couple of dates._

You dated both of them?

_Yeah. Stealthily. Several hours apart._

Smooth.

_I'll say. I didn't know they were sisters._

I doubt it would have stopped you. When did you find out you were dating sisters?

_Probably about the same time as they did. Which was also when I found out I was dating commandoes._

They don't uh...they didn't follow you or anything, did they?

_Give me some credit. I lost them about a week ago when I jumped ships and made for the Citadel. I saw on the vids that you were docked so I decided to come and play._

A week ago? What've were you doing before - wait, you've been here an entire week?

_Thereabouts._

Why didn't you say anything?

_I was waiting for a grand entrance._

You were in my cabin!

_It's a nice cabin._

Everyone thinks I got some!

_Ha! Ahaha! You...ahaha!_

And now no one will - why are you laughing?

_Nothing! Thought of something funny. Go on._

Like I was saying, no one believes me! They think I'm some kind of floozy!

_All because you got some?_

I DIDN'T GET SOME.

_No, I mean...you know what I mean._

Well...I guess there was that rule I made...

_Yeah?_

The 'No Fraternising' rule.

_Yeah..._

But I mean, it's for efficiency!

_Of course it is._

If everyone's goin' around bonin' each other then nothing gets done, does it!

_Of course they don't._

So I was right.

_Of course you were._

Exactly. I have good reason for everything. I'm not stupid.

_Of course you're not._

I'm their Commander. I do it because I care.

_Of course you do._

And NOT because I can't get a date.

_Certainly not. _

Exactly. Well...thanks for this talk, Jojo. I have a lot on my shoulders right now. You're the best.

_That's what I'm here for! Come and give me a hug._

Ooh, yayyy! I missed you loads! I got promoted you know.

Mmm?

I'm the first human Spectre!

_Mm, go om. _

What? Uh...yeah! I'm on a suuuuper important mission. We're goin' to Noveria now actually. Are you coming planet-side with me?

_Mhmm mm mm. _

I've been fighting evil robots! I have to find a Conduit and...what's that rustling?

_Mm? Mms uh Comnomduit? _

Is that my mars bar? That's my mars bar!

_Mm!_

And I didn't change my sheets! Ughhh!

_Nyam, it's fine, just sleep in the med bay again._

In the...and you drugged me, I remember now! You drugged me and now Chakwas is telling everyone I'm a drug addict! You're a dick!

_Hey! There's no need to get so angry about it! Deep inside, YOU know you're not a slutty drug addict._

Deep inside you're made up of a million venereal diseases! Deep inside doesn't count for shit! How could you do this to me?

_Oh, that's rich! Everything is always someone else's fault, isn't it!_

Wha- argh! I'll sue you! I'll sue you for slander!

_That's not how slander works, idiot!_

I'M A SPECTRE! It works however I want it to!

_All that power has gone to your head!_

SHUT UP! It has not! I swear, I'll shoot you! I could get away with it, you know!

_You never could handle the pressure!_

ARGH! I'LL KICK YOU OUT THE AIRLOCK!

_Ah! Now we see the violence inherent in the system!_

SHUT UP!

_OH! COME AND SEE THE VIOLENCE INHERENT IN THE SYSTEM!_

ARGH!

_HELP! HELP! I'M BEING REPRE- JAMMY NO! BOURBON IS FLAMMABLE! _

I'LL - OH FUCK!

_MOVE THE SHEETS! _

MY RUG! OH, WHY DID I HAVE TO BUY THAT RUG?

_Commander! I heard shouting! What's going on in...here...what the! And who is he!_

Kaidan! Go and turn the fire system on in my room!

_Leave it, Jammy! The rug is gone! Everybody out right now! _

GO! GO! GO!

**[End of Recording]**

* * *

**[Recording Entry: 19-c]**

Psst. Jojo?

_..._

Are you awake?

_No._

You are! You answered.

_Go to sleep._

I can't! The beds in here are really uncomfortable.

_You don't have a choice, do you? Now we both have to sleep in the med bay._

...I'm sorry I set you on fire.

_...it's alright._

It was an accident.

_I'm fine._

I wasn't really going to shoot you.

_I know._

...

_..._

...Jojo?

_What!_

Will you tell everyone tomorrow?

_Hm?_

That I didn't have an orgy in my cabin and that I'm not a drug addict.

_Sure thing._

Thanks.

_..._

...Jojo?

_Go to sleep!_

I will! I just wanted to say that I'm glad you're here.

_Alright. Natta, Jammy._

Night!

_..._

...John?

_..._

John!

_WHAT!_

...do you wanna go mako jousting sometime?

... ... ..._fuck yeah I do._

Awesome. Niiight John.

**[End of Recording]**


	20. Entry 20

**[Recording Entry: 20-a]**

_Yeah...I guess I do see the resemblance now that I look at you guys._

He's going to stay with us for a week or so. I mean we're already here and it would be a hassle for him to get back to his post.

_Well, if he's as good a soldier as you, then I have no problems with it._

Aw, thanks! And that's pretty cool of you, Alenko!

_I shouldn't have been so quick to judge you, Jane. When you said you weren't with anyone that night I should have believed you._

Yeah, you should have. I suppose under the circumstances it must have looked pretty suspicious though. No hard feelings, man.

_Thanks. If I had just stopped to think about it for a second, I would have realised it couldn't possibly be you._

Exactly!

_I mean out of everyone on the ship, you're the least likely to engage in that sort of behaviour._

That's right! As your Commander, I have to set a good example.

_I mean, you can't even get one date!_

Uh...

_Let alone more than one. Impossible!_

...um...

_I'm just sorry I doubted you. I won't make that mistake again. No, if I ever hear rumours about you ever engaging in frivolous activity, I'll know it's just not true._

...well...

_It could never be true._

No...that's...

_Well, it's almost time for that crew meeting you called! I'll go down and prep for the mission since I already know what happened. You just tell everyone, Commander. Don't worry. Once they think about it they'll realise you definitely couldn't have done it. _

...

_Later, Commander._

**[End of Recording]**

* * *

**[Recording Entry: 20-b]**

Alright everybody! Listen up! I called this meeting to put some things straight. I know that lately there have been certain rumours goin' around about me. Some of you seem to suspect that I have been engagin' in...questionable behaviour. Others are under the impression that _I'm a fucking drug addict. _What the hell, guys? Let's talk about this shit.  
To begin with, one hit on the night-night canister does not make you an addict! God! Gramma used to do that shit all the time and she was totally fine! I mean, except for that one time when she slept for a really long time and then decided to move to a farm upstate where she could run around with all the other gram-grams. Hey, we should visit her soon! Anyway! I didn't even take that. It was against my will, that's what I'm trying to talk to you about now-

_What about that half-litre of cleaning fluid?_

That was not cleaning fluid! That was a top-notch volus recipe that I got off a guy in the embassies! Besides, I've never felt better! Shut up!

_What about the orgy in your room!_

What the hell! I didn't have an orgy in my room! It was-

_I heard that your kinky candles fell onto your sheets and set the room ablaze! _

Now you're just being-

_I heard it was a biohazard and that it had to be cleansed with fire!_

Oh come on!

_I heard that one guy's hazmat suit tore open on a set of handcuffs and HE DIED!_

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?

_I heard-_

SHUT UP! LOOK, it was him! It was _all_ him! John, get up here and tell them, will you?

_Jammy, calm down..._

IT WASN'T ME! Everybody, this is my brother John! He's a total deviant! He hopped aboard our ship last week when we were at the Citadel.

_A week ago? Why hasn't anyone heard about this yet?_

He was waiting for a good entrance. Besides, given the situation, clearly _some_ _people_ already know he's here.

_An good entrance? You expect us to believe that? _

It's true! _He's_ the one who drugged me in the med bay and _he's_ the one who had sexy times in my room. Not me! John, c'mere!

_Alright, hold up here. I'm comin' up. Hi, excuse me, let me just squeeeeze past here...no no, lady. Don't move too much! Haha! Right, hey..._

John will tell you guys the truth, and then you'll be sorry you called me a liar! God.

_Right. First of all, I'd like to introduce myself. I'm Commander Shepard, oh ho- I know what you're thinking, 'Now we've got two of 'em! Oh no!' Relax, you can all call me John. I'm Jane's elder brother and I'm here in an unofficial capacity. I'm not here to check up on you or give you orders, unless that's your thing! Hey pretty lady-_

_Hehe, hiii Joooohn!_

What the- Mavis! How could you?

_-Anyway! I'm just here because I could tell that my baby sister has been under a lot of pressure lately, what with becoming the first human Spectre, the attack on Eden Prime and being assigned to such a high profile mission..._

Get on with it, tosser.

_Yes, thank you Jammy. Now, we're all human beings here, well, almost all of us! But I'm sure that even though we're different we can all understand what suffering from stress is like. Being under constant public scrutiny can take a high toll on a person and I could tell that my dear Jane was suffering from it. It broke my heart, really it did...hold on, I've got something in my eye-_

_Aww! Are you okay John?_

_I'll be fine Katy-_

You too? Mutiny!

_The fact of the matter is, and let us not dally about the subject, my sister has been under a lot of pressure recently and that can cause people to do strange things. _

John...what are you...

_The truth is, my sister was never the same after the Blitz. This isn't the first time something like this has happened..._

John! Don't you do this!

_It is our duty as her crew, her friends, to support her and offer her guidance back to the conscientious path._

Don't you do this to me, John!

_Now don't worry! I'm going to be here, and I'll be taking care of her as best I can, but I might need some help this time. Drugs and sex parties? This is a pretty bad situation. _

What are you doing! John! Tell them the truth! Don't listen to him! He's LYING!

_Ladies, if you could watch over her and keep me informed._

JOHN, PLEASE!

_I'll be staying in the supplies office. Any time you need to talk, day or night, I'll be there, ladies! Now, remember what I said! It's not our place to judge, our place is at her side, supporting her as best we can. You'd better - _

YOU LYING FUCK! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO YOUR OWN SISTER?

_You'd better leave! She's starting up again! Oh Jane, poor Jane!_

I'LL KILL YOU! YOU BASTARD! I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU-

_Go on now! She's having another episode! _

I SWEAR YOU WILL NOT GET AWAY WITH THIS! THIS IS TREASON! I'LL-

_I'm so sorry about this! Remember, it's not her fault! She's sick!_

-AND THEY WILL BE FINDING PIECES OF YOU-

_She'll be alright soon! I appreciate you hearin' me out!_

-GALAXY WILL THANK ME FOR - LET GO OF ME!

_Those of you scheduled for ground - you can still get ready! Take an extra hour! _

ARRGHHH!

**[End of Recording]**


	21. Entry 21

**[Recording Entry: 21-a]**

_This is the SSV Normandy requesting a vector and a berth._

_~~~Normandy, your arrival isn't scheduled. What business do you have here?~~~_

_Citadel business. We've got a council Spectre on board._

_~~~Really? Which one?~~~_

_It's Commander Shepard._

_~~~Oh! Come for a visit? Excellent! We've been wondering when you'd show up Shepard! Come on down Normandy, we've got you a good spot right up front. Let me just put out the word, everybody will be dying to meet you!~~~_

_Wow, Commander. They sound happy to see you..._

Yeah...well, I AM a Spectre so it's only natural that people would get excited when I turn up. In fact, I think all the places we touched down so far have been abnormal compared to this one.

_You think? I mean we're not in C-Space anymore. Doesn't it seem a little odd?_

Look Joker, it's not every day you get to meet the first human Spectre. This is totally legit.

_Well...if you're sure. At least they're not trying to set our ship on fire this time. _

I told you already. That was a miscommunications error.

_It was a human colony-_

Enough! Tell ground team to get up and meet me at the airlock.

_Alright Commander._

**[End of Recording]**

* * *

**[Recording Entry: 21-b]**

_JAY-BABY! WE'VE MISSED YOU SOOO- wait. Who the hell are you? We were told Commander Shepard was here!_

I AM Commander Shepard.

_NO! You're a WOMAN. Where is John!_

John? For god's sake...you're thinking of my brother. I'm _Jane_ Shepard.

_Well the tower told us that JOHN would be here! _

The tower told you that the Spectre Commander Shepard would be here!

_Exactly!_

What? I'm telling you that I AM the Spectre Commander Jane Shepard.

_You're not a real Spectre! We've already met him so don't try those lines on us! _

Seriously? John isn't the Spectre, I am!

_She still says that even though we know the truth! Shameless! _

_The Commander may well be shameless but she IS the Spectre here._

Thanks C-Sec. What part of this can't you get through your thick skulls!

_It's a load of horse crap, ma'am, and you know it!_

No, it's true. You're just mixing up our initials!

_But...I mean...John said..._

John said what?

_~~Matsuo! Is John here yet?~~_

What did John say!

_No Parasini-san. It's just some woman who says she's a Spectre too._

Hey! Don't ignore me!

_~~What? Who the hell is that!~~_

_Says she's Jane Shepard, John's sister?_

_~~I didn't know he had a sister! She's not a Spectre!~~_

Oh for fu-!

_Commander, no! Calm down! _

LET ME SHOOT THEM ALENKO!

_Ah! No firearms allowed! We are authorised to use lethal force! You have until the count of three to put down your weapons! One- Two- Thr-_

_Commander! Let's just get John out here to clear this mess up!_

_Wait! John's here? Where is he! Bring him here!_

No! I'm not speaking to him!

_BRING US JOHN OR WE'LL OPEN FIRE!_

Oh really! Well in that case maybe I'd better...SHOOT YOU BACK!

_Jane NO! Garrus, go and get John, quick!_

NO C-SEC DON'T! STAY HERE AND SHOOT THESE CHICKS WITH ME, IT'LL BE FUN!

_Garrus, go!_

STAY WHERE YOU ARE! THAT IS AN ORDER!

_I..._

_Garrus!_

_I'm sorry, Alenko. I'm not going to disobey an order._

That's the stuff, C-sec! Tell you what, this weekend we'll visit somewhere you want to go.

_I...thank you, Commander..._

Now let's do this!

_Do what now?_

_JOHNNY! YOU CAME BACK!_

JOHN? You were supposed to be on the ship!

_Yeah, but I figured I'd come and say hello to all my friends here on Noveria! Hi girls!_

_John! This woman wasn't going to let us see you! Who is she to you anyway?_

_Oh, this? This is my sister, Janey!_

What the bloody-hell is going on?

_She said she was a Spectre! But we know it can't be true because-_

_Sh sh sh, now now girls. That's no way to talk to humanity's first Spectre now, is it?_

_But you sai-_

_Sterling! You've done something with your hair, haven't you?_

_I...why, yes. I have. Do you like it?_

_I love it! Come on, let's not stand around out here in the cold. Why don't I take you girls for some hot chocolate?_

_We missed you John~_

_Let's go - ah! Security, let her through. She's with me._

I...what? WHAT? Why! This isn't fair! It's just not fair! Why is it ALWAYS HIM WHY DOES HE ALWAYS - ARGH! GOD DAMN IT. WHY DO I EVEN BOTHER DOING ANYTHING EVER!

_Jammy, naw! Where you storming off to? Look, you dropped your gun!_

SHOOT YOURSELF WITH IT, ASSHOLE.

**[End of Recording]**


	22. Entry 22

**[Recording Entry: 22-a]**

_Right. Have you got your jacket?_

Yes. Shut up.

_And your mittens?_

I told you, I've got everything! Leave me alone already!

_And you've put two pairs of socks on?_

SHUT UP JOHN. I'M WELL CAPABLE OF MANAGING THIS MISSION WITHOUT YOU.

_Jammy, trust me. It is very, very cold out there. You have to bundle up or you are going to freeze. I know because I've been here before._

What? Were they tryin' to cure the incurable disease? Not even Noveria can contain your transmits.

_...Jammy...could it be that you might still be mad about the whole making-everyone-think-you're-a-crazy-deviant thing?_

I hate you.

_Really Jammy. You're still on that? You can't forgive me already?_

IT WAS AN HOUR AGO!

_Look Jane. Sometimes in life things don't go as planned and it can be difficult to not get so angry about them, but we're soldiers, Jammy, we can't let these little setbacks get us down! _

But it was you! It was all your fault!

_Jane. You are a Shepard. We take responsibility for our actions. You can't go around throwing the blame at everyone else just because things aren't going as you wanted-_

BUT IT WAS! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?

_Jammy please understand. All I ever wanted for you was to succeed in your endeavours and to help you do that sometimes I have to do things that you might not like or understand._

Seriously? You're really doing this?

_You may not understand it right now but one day all of this will be far behind us and we will look back and you will say "Hey Jojo, remember the time you convinced my crew I was a mentally-unstable drug addict?" and we will laugh! _

I'm not an idiot John! I not going to fall for your bullshit!

_Think about it, Jane. Think about dad. What do you think he would say if he was looking down at us right now and he saw that we weren't getting along?_

I...

_He'd be sad. He'd be sad that you wouldn't forgive me. _

Don't do this, man...

_He would wonder why we weren't working together to bring justice to the galaxy._

John, no...

_He would sit us on his knees, like he used to do, and he would say, 'Now you two. Put aside your differences.' He would say, 'Even if you have the whole world at your feet, you only have one sibling at your side.'_

Aw, daddy, no...

_He would say 'Jane, forgive your brother already. Because you only have one, and because life can be so short and you could go at any time.' Wouldn't he?_

Yeah...he would...

_And he'd want us not to argue and to focus our attention on the mission, wouldn't he?_

Yeah, he would.

_Now c'mere. Give me a hug, good. That's it, now we can get on with the mission. Remember, you're my only sister and I love you and we're in this together Jammy. You and me against all the bad guys in the galaxy!_

Yeah! Alright, let's do this! Do you want to drive then?

_I - what? _

I'm saying you can drive if you want to.

_Where?_

To Peak 15...where else?

_Oh that? I'm not going! I'm meeting Maeko for dinner at eight. _

But you just sai-

_Metaphorically, Jammy. We're in this together metaphorically. _

...

_Anyway, I'd better go and get changed. See you later!_

WHAT?

**[End of Recording]**

* * *

**[Recording Entry: 22-b]**

You guys good to go?

_We're ready, Commander._

Have you got your jackets?

_Yes, Commander._

And your mittens?

_Yes, Commander._

And you've put two pairs of socks on?

_Yes, Commander..._

Good. Remember, it's going to be very, very cold out there. You have to bundle up or you're going to freeze. I know because I'm a Spectre.

_We've followed your instructions, Commander, and we've prepared a flask of hot soup for when we arrive. Chicken and mushroom, like you asked._

Excellent. Alright, we have authorisation to leave and they've lent us a rover to take up the Skadi Pass. Should be...this one over here...Is this 576- no, it's that one.

_Did you hear that?_

Hm? What?

_It sounded like-_

Oh hell! Weapons free! What is THAT?

_It's huge!_

C-Sec! Here! I'll push this forward and you get on top!

_I see a fuelling station!_

Take it out! Alenko, grab that sneaky bitch!

_Stalker is up, Commander!_

Oh yeah! Ten points! We're getting better at this.

_Geth..._

Well, with any luck we'll clear this lot off once we nab Saren and then we won't have to deal with getting attacked by droids everywhere we go.

_If we're really lucky we'll find some good leads up at the peak. Should we warn ERCS?_

Nah, just leave a post-it. We'd better get going while it's light out there. Shepard out!

**[End of Recording]**

* * *

**[Recording Entry: 22-c]**

_~~User alert - Peak 15 has suffered a great deal of damage. VI Intelligence is offline. Today's lunch is nachos.~~_

Aww! We should have come earlier!

_Looks like we'll need to get the reactors back online._

Don't look at me. I failed my infotech classes.

_You FAILED tech? How does one fail tech? It's just emails and word documents._

I don't even know. I didn't show up that much. I was in the process of starting a band.

_Yeah?_

Yeah. We were called Harbinger.

_That's a stupid name._

Yeah? Well, what was your band called?

_Commander, surely all you humans don't form death metal bands once you reach adolescence._

Ohhh C-Sec. How much you have to learn.

_Ha! Actually, I did have a band._

Through here, I think. Well?

_My father would never have let me join a band. This place has seen better days..._

That's the whole point of joinin' a band. Come on Kaidan!

_What?_

What was your band called?

_Screaming lobster._

That's...actually kind of awesome.

_No, I mean behind you - screaming lobster!_

What? WHAT?

_What are these things?_

Why are they exploding!

_Use a grenade!_

Get down!

...

Shit. I hate my job.

_Is this what the containment breach is?_

I have no idea, but we won't find out standing around here.

_We'd better get going then._

Right. Uh...you lead the way, Kaidan.

**[End of Recording]**


	23. Entry 23

**[Recording Entry: 23-a]**

I...hate this place.

_Me too. Turians don't like the cold, Shepard. Did I ever mention that?_

Well I will be scarred for life. I will never eat seafood again.

_At least the map says we're heading in the right direction. The VI core should be just around-_

Ah! What was that? What was that!

_Careful, Commander...it sounds like there's something close by._

Okay...I'm going ahead. Kaidan, get ready to throw.

_Give me a second...okay._

Right? LET'S GO! AHHH!  
_AHHH!_

SHOOT IT! SHOOT IT!

_DON'T SHOOT IT!_

DEFINITELY SHOOT IT- wait, what?

_Get off me! You're too heavy. What have you been eating?_

John? I thought you were a lobster!

_I thought you were a lobster! What are those things?_

We don't know! What are you doing here? You were having dinner with that Asian chick.

_Ah yeah...but you know those types. We hardly got through the entrées before she started talking about wanting to meet her parents. I excused myself to go to the bathroom and ditched out back. Now here I am! So what've we got then?_

I have no idea. We're heading for the VI core to get some answers though.

_Oh, it's just back here but It's not online. It looks like one of us will have to go down and boot it up._

Shall we have some soup first?

_Alright._

**[End of Recording]**

* * *

**[Recording Entry: 23-b]**

Commander, how's it going down there?

Bad! I can't figure it out! I can't move the second block!

_No, I think you have to move the small ones first!_

But then I won't be able to put the middle one back!

_Then you move the small blocks again and put the bigger ones on the bottom!_

This is impossible! No one could figure this out! I'm just going to pour some omnigel into the interface.

_That seems to have worked. It's online, Commander._

_~~It looks like you're trying to restore this station's facility. Would you like help?~~_

_Ask her about Benezia._

I don't want to!

_Ask her!_

Fine. Did a tarty asari come by here?

_~~Matriarch Benezia passed through and took the passenger tram up to the rift station. User alert - the passenger tram is currently inoperable.~~_

Damn it. We'll need to go down and check what's up with that.

_We can get to the main reactor from the south corridor. Let's go._

Hold on - I want to access my Spacebook profile. Bring up SaucyShep dot 2154.

_~~Could not connect to the extranet. Please check my connection and try again.~~_

Ugh. Always something! We passed the servers on the way here, didn't we? The connection is on the roof. Alright, C-Sec, go with John to the main reactor. Kaidan and I will go restart the router. Meet in twenty.

_Will do. _

**[End of Recording]**

* * *

**[Recording Entry: 23-c]**

Totally don't shoot us!

_Oh, stand down! Sorry. We couldn't be sure what was on the tram._

Who the hell did you think it would be? Can those monsters work a train's controls?

_I once saw a bird that could ride a tiny bicycle and a varren that brought you tissues when you sneezed. Then again I've seen people who couldn't work a revolving door. I'm not assuming any-god-damn-thing right now. Who are you?_

I'm Shepard, a Spectre. This is also Shepard, not a Spectre. The other two aren't important.

_Gee, thanks Commander._

Whatever. So what are these things?

_We have no idea. All we know is they overran the hot labs a week ago and we've been holding out ever since. We're all that's left now. If you want to know more I guess you could try asking Han Olar, one of the scientists that were down there. He's the only one who made it out alive._

Why haven't you asked him yourself?

_Because there's no point. He's gone crazy. That and all the scientists have non-disclosure agreements._

Where is he now?

_Downstairs in the barracks. He's the volus._

Okay. Well what about Matriarch Benezia? Is she still here then?

_The asari? No, she went down to the labs a couple of days ago. We haven't seen her since. There's an elevator that will take you down if you're going after her. Here, I'll give you a card to access it. _

Thanks. I'll give you this soup. We're gonna go find that scientist.

**[End of Recording]**

* * *

**[Recording Entry: 23-d]**

_Commander, there he is._

Hey, you must be the guy from the labs. Did you see Benezia while you were there?

_I saw her, but I didn't see her leave._

Could she still be alive down there?

_It's possible. The specimens were sensitive to biotics._

It's a science lab, she can't be the only asari. Why are you the only one who made it out?

_Because I killed her._

What? Killed who?

_Dr. Zonmua. We were going to lunch when the alarms sounded. I ran onto the tram. I closed the door. _

Great...that's like a trade skill for you guys isn't it.

_They sliced her into pieces. Her head came apart like a melon._

Those lobsters?

_The rachni. You came to find out about them, didn't you?_

They're rachni? What's a rachni?

_Shepard, I don't believe him. The rachni are an extinct species. They were wiped out in the Rachni War. _

_Not extinct. Not anymore. They found it on a derelict ship. An egg. Waiting dormant since the last battles._

So they brought it here?

_We thought we'd reactivate it. You know, for science. _

And now everyone's dead.

_In retrospect that was a bad decision. _

...I hate scientists.

**[End of Recording]**


	24. Entry 24

**[Recording Entry: 24-a]**

Huh. You're not Benezia.

_No. I am Tartakovsky._

What are you doing down here, lonely russian?

_I am the operations director for this facility. _

I'm Shepard.

_Then Shepard, you must listen to me. If we do not contain our mistake they will drop bombs from the battle station. You understand?_

No, I don't understand. Why can't this be simple? I came here to find Benezia. Is there an asari matriarch in the labs?

_An asari? I have not seen one._

_She must be back at Rift Station, Shepard._

God damn it! We just came from there!

_This is not important! You must be listening to me! There was Rachni ship. Inside they found many eggs in cryogenic suspension._

Yeah, yeah! Just add water. Boom. What do you want from me?

_Listen! Binary Helix plans to clone rachni. Create an army. But then they find is no ordinary rachni egg. It is queen. After she hatches eggs they move her to Rift Station. They are thinking without her they can train the children to be obedient. _

Yeah. For science.

_But without a queen the rachni do not develop properly. I am thinking that her mind is shaping theirs. Without her they become unstable. These rachni are uncontrollable. _

I noticed. So what now?

_These rachni must be euthanized. I am thinking that the neutron purge must be set off._

Wait, the neutron purge? You have something called the _neutron purge? _

_It is blast of radiation that kills everything within the station. _

When your workplace safety precautions include killing everything in range then you know you're probably in the wrong job...but fine. We'll do it. Is there a room or something we take shelter in?

_No. We must leave lab. Radiation will kill all things here. We must get to the elevator to escape range. Things beyond only get genetic damage of varying degree._

Alright th- wait, what?

_I think somethi-_

What was that about varying degrees?

_The grate! Arghh-!_

Fuck this! Kaidan, warp that thing! Good, now shoot it in the kneecaps! All...twenty of them.

_It's down, Commander!_

Ugh, is he dead? Yeah, obviously. Hey...what do you think he meant by 'genetic damage'?

_I don't...I...it should be okay. I think..._

Balls to this! I came here to find the Matriarch. The only thing down here is regrets and stereotypes. Why would Ventralis lie to us? You'd think they'd WANT us to do our jobs. It can only be good for them when we fix shit along the way.

_Cheer up Jammy. Let's activate this purge. Maybe we'll get superpowers? _

He had the clearance, right? Help me roll this bitch off him and I'll check his pockets.

_These things are heavy! Damn, we should have asked him if they're edible._

Of course they're edible. We're humans, everything is food to us.

_Wanna take one back to the ship after we find Benezia?_

Hell yeah I do! Let's just activate this shit and get back on track.

**[End of Recording]**

* * *

**[Recording Entry: 24-b]**

This place is like a maze! Does anyone have any idea where we're going? According to my map we're not even on Noveria anymore.

_I can't feel my toes so we're still on Noveria._

Could you be more specific?

_We're...on Peak 15?_

For god's sake, this is ridiculous. We're going to be lost down here forever. We're going to die down here. We're going to - whoah...

_Well hello there..._

_You do not know the privilege of being a mother..._

_That's_ the matriarch?

_Cougar alert!_

I thought she'd be more...well...

_It doesn't get any 'more' than that._

_There is happiness in-_

Do you think I could pull that off?

_Not a chance in hell._

_There is-_

Maybe I could get a new set of armour?

_To shape a life and-_

_...I love older women._

_HEY!_

Oh! What?

_I'm trying to talk!_

Sorry, it's just...

_My eyes are up here!_

Your what?

_Stop staring, pervert!_

Pervert? I think you forgot to put a top on!

_Sh! Don't remind her!_

_FOOLS! What hope do you have of stopping Saren when you can't even listen!_

Why you-

_Ah! Please, forgive my sister. She's a bit simple. I'm listening, go on._

_There is happiness in creation. To shape a life and turn it toward happiness or despair. _

_That is fascinating!_

That is irrelevant! Why are you here Benezia?

_Her children were to be ours. Raised to hunt and slay Saren's enemies! _

You let the rachni loose! You're crazy!

_Crazy and beautiful! That's what I always say motherhood is! I really do think that you know. I believe a woman only really comes into her own until she's had at least one-_

Shut up John!

_Okay._

Surrender Benezia! Give us answers! It's no use resisting!

_Don't underestimate me, Commander. I think you'll find I'm more than a match for you..._

_I'll say! Badum dum ch..._

Shoot to maim! Avoid the chest! And the face too...probably.

_You can't win Commander! My highly-elite commandos are the penultimate warri-_

_JOHN! __I've been looking everywhere for you, John!_

_Oh shit..._

What? What now!

_Ah, uh - Catherine! I've missed you!_

_It's Calina!_

_Calina, yeah!_

_Where were you? I waited for you to call!_

John...this isn't the...

_I was going to! I was! I got sidetracked..._

_YOU MEAN SIDETRACKED BY MY SISTER!_

Ah. It is.

_Hello John! Did you miss me too?_

Ohhh dear.

_Look...Lindsey's here too! ...you're both here, awesome..._

_My name is Laria!_

_Yeah? What did I say?_

_._

_COMMANDOS! ATTACK NOW ON MY ORDERS!_

_._

_Did you think we wouldn't find out? Did you think we were stupid?_

_No! It's not like that at all, it's just that you're both so similar?_

_WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?_

_._

_I SAID THAT IS AN ORDER! ...Commandos?_

_._

_Okay...not similar. Um...you're both very...very...help!_

Oh ho ho! This is going to be good!

_How could you do this to me John? We were so great together!_

_Cather- Calina-_

_Wasn't I enough for you?_

_Lina! This isn't-_

_._

_STOP IGNORING ME! KILL THEM ALREADY!_

_._

_Our children would have been so beautiful! _

_I don't think-_

_How could you run straight off and propose to my sister?_

_Hold on a second! He asked me first!_

_Like hell he did!_

_Who would want to marry you?_

_You bitch! JOHN! Who did you ask first?_

_Yeah John! Tell us! Which one do you like more?_

_WHICH ONE OF US DO YOU WANT JOHN? _

_GIVE IT UP ALREADY! HE'S GOING TO PICK ME!_

_IT'S OBVIOUSLY ME, I'M THE PRETTY ONE._

_WHY YOU-_

-Ladies! Ladiiies! Why not just share him? Right John?

_I can manage that! You can share me!_

_WHAT DID YOU SAY?_

Ahahahaha! Idiot!

_I'LL KILL YOU!_

_Ladies- no!_

Ladies yes! Ahahaha!

.

_Why is nobody listening to me? !_

_._

_..._

_Commander, as much as you're enjoying this I think we'd better do something soon.._

Aww, come on. Just a little bit more!

_If we don't do step in now they might tear him apart!_

Annnnd?

_...Commander._

Oh, alright. Fine. C-Sec, I'm going to cover you so head around to the other side and see if you can get a lock on them.

_On it Shepard._

Alenko, I want you to overload their rifles and focus on countering their biotics.

_Will do, Commander. _

John...just...

_Girls! Girls! There's no need to fight...this was all just a big misunderstanding!_

Yeahhh...he'll be fine! Okay go!

**[End of Recording]**


	25. Entry 25

**[Recording Entry: 25-a]**

_This is not over. Saren is unstoppable. My mind is filled with his light. Everything is clear._

Man, why are the hot ones always crazy?

_I think it gives them character._

Are you ready to talk now Benezia?

_I will not betray him. I will...I will... You must listen! Saren still whispers in my mind. I can fight his compulsions. Briefly. But the indoctrination is strong. _

Not this crap again. First it's the Thorian and now it's something else? Do you expect me to believe that you just conveniently managed to break free right as we're about to shoot you?

_It's true, you must believe it. I sealed a part of my mind away from the indoctrination for a time when I could help destroy him. It will not last long._

You mean that green rapist was telling the truth? What the hell, does everyone have a mind-control device but me?

_It is a terror to not be in control of your own mind. To beat helplessly on the glass as your hands torture and murder. _

Yeah-yeah, that might even work in court. What are you doing here Benezia?

_I was sent to find the location of the Mu Relay. It's position was lost thousands of years ago. _

Man. We sure know a lot about shit that happened before we'd even evolved. So what now? You've found it I guess?

_Two thousand years ago the rachni discovered the relay. They can share memories across generations. Queens inherit the knowledge of their mothers. I took the location from her mind. I was not gentle. _

You took the location from her mind? What is there, like a course for this mind-control shit? Jojo, I think we picked the wrong classes.

_Seriously. What does he want with the Relay?_

_He believes it will lead him to the conduit. _

What is this conduit anyway?

_I don't know. I would tell you more if I could but Saren did not share his counsel with me. I was merely a servant to his cause._

But you did get the location?

_I transcribed the data to an OSD. Here, take it._

_Shepard, knowing the relay's location isn't going to be enough! We need to know where to go from there._

_He wouldn't tell me where he was going after that but you must hurry. I transmitted the coordinates to him before you arrived. You need to-I can't-Uhh-_

You can't...

_I can still feel him-whispers in my mind-ohhh..._

Whoah...um, are...are you okay?

_Go on... _

_fingers on my spine-_

_Yesss..._

_You should-you should.._

We should?  
_We should?_

_...die!_

Damnit.  
_Damnit._

**[End of Recording]**

* * *

**[Recording Entry: 25-b]**

_I cannot go on. You will have to stop him Shepard._

Man, this chick switches sides more than the Amish on Contact Day.

_No kidding. Are you done yet?_

_I still feel it. Like metal on metal. Squealing, reverberating..._

Is anyone else a little turned on by this?

_Quiet! Don't spoil it._

Uh, she doesn't look so good. We should get her some medigel.

_No, I can't-too late-I..._

Hey, hey! Stay with us lady.

_We're losing her! _

Benezia! Benezia..?

_No light...they always said there'd be a-ah..._

AH! NO! Don't give away the ending!

_...That has to be the worst spoiler alert ever. _

Ugh, whatever to this. Check your clips. I'm gonna fix my hair...

**[End of Recording]**

* * *

**[Recording Entry: 25-c]**

_So now what do we do?_

I don't know. We need to make a report about what's down here, but with security all dead we can't just leave this thing on its own.

_If the bigwigs on Noveria find out what they've got we really could end up with a giant crustacean army. _

That would be hilarious. Especially if they gave them armour.

_What d'you think the Council has to say about this?_

Your guess is as good as mine. Is she secure? Are we secure for that matter? C-Sec, go check those back corridors. Kaidan, go with him.

_Will do, Shepard._

_On it, Commander._

John, go find a big stick and we'll-

_-one step ahead of you!_

Excellent! Come check this out.

.

...

.

_Phew! Look at that._

I bet it moves like lightning.

_Yeah, I bet... Hey, are you thinking what I'm thinking?_

...oh god...

_Rachni jousting!  
_Rachni jousting!

_High five!_

_We're back, Commander. All's clea-JANE! Behind you!_

Yargh!

_ZOMBIE!_

USE THE STICK! THEY'RE WEAK AGAINST GENTLE PRODDING!

_This one. Serves as our voice. We cannot sing. Not in these low places. Your musics are colourless._

They've grown intelligent! We're all going to die!

_Stop prodding it. This one is on the edge. Yet she struggles. You cannot see her magnificence. We are breathing on the embers._

Uh, Kaidan? You speak crazy. What is this?

_It's the queen, Commander. She's using the asari as a mouthpiece._

She can control minds too? This is so unfair!

_This one is mother. To the children you thought silenced. We are rachni._

You're the leader? So you're responsible for killing the science team?

_No, we were locked away down here. They could not hear the song. In the silence, the children cannot grow. But you are not in harmony with the ones who sought to control us. So what will you sing? Will you release us? Or return us to the silence of memory..._

Oh what? I don't know man...this is a pretty heavy decision to ask me so suddenly.

_Shepard, the rachni were a threat to the whole galaxy, and these tanks are filled with acid..._

_Commander, there's some old grudges in the galaxy. Grudges us humans shouldn't get involved in. If we kill her, we kill an entire race!_

Kill an entire race, you say? Jojo.

...

Jojo? - John! Leave Benezia alone!

_I touched nothing._

Whatever. Go find Mira and tell the station not to drop the bomb. Take the guys.

_What're you going to do?_

I'm gonna flip a coin.

**[End of Recording]**

* * *

**[Recording Entry: 25-d]**

_Back. They're expecting our return but won't send out a team until the blizzard dies down. So what are we going to do about the lobster special?_

We melt it.

_You sure about this Janey?_

I'm sure. Robots, Reapers, Saren. I've got Udina on my ass and Anderson's gone crazy. We have enough shit to worry about already.

_I guess so. I mean they terrorised the galaxy once before, what's to say they won't again?_

That is a valid point._ "Well she seemed nice!"_ isn't going to be enough when they're swarming all over the Citadel.

_We'd be foolish to simply accept her words at face value._

Especially not after her whelps already murdered the scientists - not that it's a great loss.

_We may not have been there, but history has clearly shown us what the rachni are capable of. The galaxy has suffered enough._

Right. And if anyone discovered we'd willingly turned them loose even after we considered the facts...can you imagine the uproar?

_The krogans would take it personally, not to even mention the other races._

The blame would be entirely on us. Racial diplomacy is already tense right now. The last thing we need is another huge blowout - especially when we just got a foothold nearer to the Council.

_There is that to think about. We need to work towards ensuring a secure and well-balanced future for mankind. Being rejected by the Council would be a death sentence for our people._

Political and economic considerations aside, the same exact statement applies simply to the single decision we're about to make now.

_Exactly. Think of the ramifications of starting a galaxy-wide war - not just on our social standing but upon our people. _

We take one life now and we could save millions further down the line.

_Spoken like a true philanthropist._

_Wow, Commander...I didn't know you were so serious or responsible. Let me just say that right now I am proud to be-_

Plus, this will be awesome!

_It will totally be awesome!_

_...never mind. _

Okay! Go release the safety locks over there and then we'll do this!

**[End of Recording]**

* * *

**[Recording Entry: 25-e] **

I think it's this button!

_No! It's this one!_

It's always the big red one!

_Shut up Jammy! You know nothing about computers! _

Get out of my way!

_You two, stop!_

_You can't even use your omnitool properly! Let me do it!_

Get off me!

_YOU get off ME!_

It's MY mission! I want to wipe out a civilisation!

_I will never have this opportunity again!_

I should- let go of me! Stop it!

_Jammy you're going to-_

_STOP FIGHTING, GUYS! YOU'RE GOING TO FALL-_

I wa-oah! Shit!

_Oh god. What's happening? Did you press something?_

HA! I DID!

_What did you press!_

I DON'T KNOW GUYS BUT WHATEVER HAPPENS I WAS THE ONE WHO PRESSED IT! IT WAS ALL ME!

_WAIT! That's not the termination! You've released it!_

IT WAS ALL HIM!

_RUN!_

**[End of Recording]**


	26. Entry 26

**[Recording Entry: 26 ]**

Kaidan! My strobe light isn't working properly! Can you fix it?

_ARGH, COMMANDER - TURN IT OFF! Ugh...my head..._

Woops, sorry! I'll just leave it here. You can take a look at it later. Hmm...

_You okay, Commander?_

Yeah, I guess so. The turian councillor yelled at me for wiping out the rachni.

_So you decided to botch the report after all._

Figured it was for the best. Hopefully by the time anything happens we'll all be retired and we can just feign involvement.

_For what it's worth...I think you did the right thing in the end. _

You would have let her go?

_I think I would. Everyone deserves a second chance, and I'm just glad we weren't involved in wiping out an entire species. There's enough injustice in the galaxy without us adding to it._

Well...I just hope she didn't realise we were trying to murder her then.

_And you know, he'd probably still be just as pissed if you told him the queen was released._

You're right! The turian councillor is a total prick. I'm not going to worry about it.

_You shouldn't. We still have Saren to think about, and this conduit. If Benezia's information is anything to go by he could be anywhere right now._

Ugh, that's true. And we only have one lead left.

_Her daughter, right? The prothean expert, T-Soni._

That's the one. Man, asari...uppity tarts.

_You shouldn't focus on the asari. It seems to me like every other race in the galaxy is wrapped in their own problems. They don't want to see what's coming._

Ehh, hold on, did I just fuel your fires of resentment there?

_Resentment? Against aliens? I'm not-what makes you think that?_

You don't hate aliens? I thought you kicked a turian to death back on Jump Zero?

_You know about that? _

Everybody knows about that. You gave us replays in the briefing bar that time John bought tequila. You don't remember? _"AND GOOAAAAL!"_

_Ugh - really? _

Then you gave us different angles. And accents. _"E OBIETTIVOOO!" _Pfft, tequila is the devil's drink.

_Oh no... Commander, I...look, before I met Vyrnnus I knew as much as any civilian. Aliens were weird, superior, and tried to tell us what to do. Meeting Vyrnnus only made me realise how...human...they were. They were jerks and saints, like us. You know?_

Yeah. I get a lot of epiphanies while I'm murdering people too.

_It-it wasn't...they probably could have saved him if they got him to the infirmary in time. But they didn't... You know, Conatix folded a couple of years later. It's funny. I'm not sure which of us got the worst of it._

Well, considering you're not dead, I would say Vyrnnus...

_I'm not sorry he's dead. Just that I killed him. I wasn't prepared for that, I dropped out of sight for a few years. _

They just let you go?

_I guess they wanted it to blow over as much as I did. I came back on my own terms, because I wanted to serve, not to fight or because I had a grudge. I hated that turian, but he wasn't a turian to me. He was 'Vyrnnus'. I don't resent aliens. _

Hm. Well I guess that's good. I mean I hate pretty much everyone but not because they're aliens. Because they exist, mostly. We've already got Ashley boiling over down in the hold as it is. I'd hate to think you were small-minded.

_Coming from you...that is...that is the most bizarre statement. _

Where did that come from?

_It's just...you're not exactly..._

Are you looking down on me, Kaidan?

_That's not what I meant!_

You think I tripped and stumbled into this position?

_Well you do seem to trip and stumble into a lot of places..._

Whatever man, I don't care.

_Wait, no! I shouldn't have said that. I was out of line._

Fuck the line. I mean it when I say I don't care. You think I don't know what the crew says about me, Lieutenant? At the end of the day I am Commander-Goddamn-Shepard. History follows my footsteps. I arrive in the right place at the right time. With a hangover. And a traffic cone. And I walk away a hero. You may not like my methods but like, whatever. I'm in charge and I get results.

_You're right...I guess I just stopped thinking about it when we started working together. It's just not the same as it was on the vids. You're not the same...I shouldn't have let the fact that you're a person influence the way I looked at you. Somewhere along the way I forgot there was a chain of command and that you were up there because you did things no one else could._

Kaidan, leave it. You're not some shitty expendable maintenance crew. You're part of my posse and when we're down there I trust you guys with my shit. Down in the thicket as long as you're following orders and working with me then you have a right to say the things you want to. The chain means nothin' beyond that. You think I want to work with a bunch of expressionless robots? That would be boring and...lonely.

_I...yeah. We all feel the same way, Commander._

By the way - if I die, they won't promote you. Remember that.

_Ha! Understood._

And, if you piss me off, I'll just shoot you and then we'll forget about it. Wrex and I do it all the time! Think of it this way, you're not so much a member of the Alliance as you are a member of Shepard's Team. We're in this together for the sake of my glory...and the galaxy or something.

_That's good of you to say, Commander...I think._

Yeah, and I would rather you think of Jane Shepard 'the person' than Jane Shepard 'the god'. Honestly, I think it probably just intimidates people. That's why I don't really mind so much when they get all awestruck and bitchy. It's like pretty people. You just sort of want to burn them a little bit, right?

_I...guess so..._

Alright. We're done here, I'm back upstairs.

_Wait!_

Yeah?

_I just want to say...I really am glad to be working with you._

Ah-oh...hey, well - forget it, ha! But man. I can't believe you singlehandedly took down Conatix. You're like a fuckin' biotic Braveheart.

_Ugh...please forget I told you that..._

Ahaha! Cheer up. I'll buy you a drink later. You'll need it. We're roastin' rachni for dinner.

_..._

Not tequila! Ahaha!

**[End of Recording]**


	27. Entry 27

**[Recording Entry: 27-a]**

Garrus? Wrex?

_Ready to go.  
Let's get on with this._

Perfect. Okay Wrex, hang back. Garrus, let me distract him first then you do your thing... ... Yo! Joker!

_Oh, hey Commander. What's up?_

Ohh, not much. We're about to get dinner started. You?

_Same old. You know, keeping the Alliance running._

Of course. Hey, are you sure you don't want to come?

_Not me. I told you already. I'm busy tonight._

That video game, right? C'mon man, you can play that anytime.

_I'm raiding, Commander. People are counting on me._

Who cares about those guys! What about us?

_You can reach me on the comm._

It won't be the same without you down there! Besides, this is historical. Don't you at least want a bite?

_That's disgusting. Weren't those things like, sentient? Are you really going to eat it?_

You're damn right we're gonna eat it!

_It probably tastes like rotten seafood. Gross._

Jokerrr! You never leave your damn chair! Come onnnn!

_No way._

So...I can't change your mind then?

_Nu-uh. I am not getting involved._

Well, if that's how you're going to be...  
_Psst, Shepard. Time!_

...then I guess you leave me no choice.

_Commander?_

WREX! Now!

_Ahh! What are- my chair! You unbolted my-no! You'll drop me! Put me down!_

Take him to the hold, guys! Ahahaha!

_COMMANDER-STOP!_

Come on Joker! You'll be the luau queen! Du dudu dun-du! _Woo!_

_NOOOooo-!_

**[End of Recording]**

* * *

**[Recording Entry: 27-b]**

_Nooooo~_

Oh god...why...

_What did we do to deserve this?_

Thou art cruel and merciless...

_Who could have foreseen it?_

So this is how I die...

_Commander, you are not going to die. You've just given yourself food poisoning. Literally._

Ughn...

_Really, you lot. Why would you eat something that spat poison at you?_

We wanted to be the first...

_Well, you were almost the last._

Give it to me straight, doc...am I gonna make it?

_Oh, don't be so dramatic!_

_I must say, Chakwas, you're looking ver-hurgh!_

_Over the bucket, John!_

Haha - loser...

_Shru-shut up._

Doc...I need another pillow...

_I want some water..._

My blanket's sliding off...

_I need a sponge bath..._

_You both need to get some sleep! You're disturbing the other patients._

Ooo-...

_Honestly, nearly the whole crew sick at once. You're supposed to be on an important mission._

You're such a nag.

_Can't you do something for the pain?_

She won't...she's a tyrant...

_Chakwas, please..._

I bet she's not even a real doc-ow!

_Just checking your forehead temperature. _

Uwhuuu...

_And Joker and Alenko too! I'd expect this from the commanders but not from you two._

_Don't...I should have been raiding Asgard now..._

You might go for real.

_Ugh...I told you this was a bad idea Commander..._

This...this was an awesome idea.

_Haha...nyeah Jammy, it was totally worth it._

High five zhozho...

_Ugh...too...far..._

Almost...there-shit! Ugh...

_Chakwas...Jammy's fallen off the bed._

I don't care. Go away.

_Commander..._

Leave me here...

**[End of Recording]**


	28. Entry 28

**[Recording Entry: 28-a]**

_Morning, Shepard._

Hey, Garrus, you came to visit me!

_Yeah. Are you feeling better now?_

No...I'm still so terribly ill.

_She's not ill._

I am ill!

_Well you look better._

I'm putting on a brave face, that's all.

_Oh get out! She's only hanging round here because she's hoping someone will give her grapes._

No one cares about me...

_Go on! Out with you!_

You mean old bat! You watch I don't dispense some epic Spectre justice on you come review time!

_Hm...alright Commander. If you're sure you still feel unwell perhaps I could take your temperature one last time._

Yeah! I'm burning up, I tell you.

_Okay. Onto the bed._

Nyaaa-wait! That's not the one you used last time...

_No. This one isn't for your mouth..._

My ear?

_Try again._

Agh! C'mon Garrus, let's get out of here!

...

Oooh...I'll get that witch one of these days.

_Well Shepard, now that you're out of the infirmary, I was wondering if we had any plans today?_

Hm? No. No plans. Why?

_Well, when we were on Noveria you did say you would take me somewhere._

Did I? Oh yeah, I remember now. Is there something you want to do?

_Well there's this guy that I want to shoot in the face._

Alright.

_Let me explain._

No nee-

_It all started back on the Citadel. I was young and impressionable and they stuck me on this case..._

...ugh...

**[End of Recording]**

* * *

**[Recording Entry: 28-b]**

Hey Wrex...what do you think Williams is doing?

_She's watching her mail. She gets a lot._

Mail? Mail from who?

_Her family, I guess._

Oooh, what do you think her family is like?

_I don't know. I don't care. Why don't you go ask her?_

Too boring. I'm gonna go sneak over there...

...

_~~And then you insert your finger through to the second knuckle, and curl the end over, and there you have it! The guys will love it.~~_

What the fuck!

_Commander! I didn't see you there. I was just watching some mail from home. My sister was showing me how to do those blue autumn braids...they're really fashionable lately._

Oh my god! Seriously?

_~~~Oh, and before I go...I saw Kaidan in the news vids. He's cute! Later sis!~~~_

_Uh...pretend you didn't see that._

Kaidan? Hey, are you interested in him?

_No ma'am! There's...I already have someone I'm interested in... _

You do? Whoo? Whooo?

_Ooh...well, what's up? You didn't come by to eavesdrop on family mail._

Uh, no...of course I didn't. I came for, um...this!

_You came for my empty coffee cup?_

Yes. I came for your empty coffee cup. Because uh...I...collect them.

_You collect them?_

Yes, I collect them! I never got any as a kid so now I'm making up for it! Anyway...do you get mail from home often?

_More often since I got assigned to the Normandy._

Yeah, we've got one hell of a package here. Mine's mostly spam though. Now that John's here I'm not getting any personal mail. I guess your family must be pretty close.

_Yeah, me and my sisters especially. With dad on duty so much I had to help raise them._

_Oh, your da' was military? Where did he serve?_

_He took any crap posting that offered space time, worked his ass off and never made it above sixth post. He was real proud when I made chief. The first thing he did was salute._

Tough breaks... Did your mam serve too then?

_No...but she was still pretty tough, raised us mostly by herself. You know how military wives are._

Nah, both our parents were on active duty. Actually we were usually always on the ships with them. It wasn't until after dad died that mam sent us planet-side for college.

_Oh. I'm sorry...what happened to your father?_

Actually we don't much like to talk about it.

_I get that. My father passed away too...you know, even though it's sad, I like to think he's watching over us._

Watching over you from the grave? Like a zombie?

_No! You know, from up there._

Up there? Where?

_Heaven._

Heaven is on the crew deck?

_You know what I mean!_

I absolutely do not know what you mean.

_Why can we never have a serious conversation?_

That really depends on what your definition of 'serious' is.

_Sometimes I just think you have a problem with my religion._

I don't know...don't you think it's just kind of...dumb? Now that we've got all these aliens and shit?

_The bible didn't say anything about there not being aliens._

That is...ugh. As much as I hate scientists, proving something usually comes _after_ you've have evidence. If the only way I can reason with you is to go and point out everything that's not god, well...we're going to be here a very long time.

_No need. These are my beliefs, ma'am. They're part of who I am._

Meh. Personally, if I'm going to believe in some mythical entity I'd want it to be a bit cooler than a bearded guy on a cloud. Like that rainbow snake! Or the guy who launched thunderbolts or the one with Ragnarok. Man, when the rapture comes I hope it's like that.

_I just don't know about the rapture now. Maybe we all have our own gods._

Maybe. If every species has their own god then maybe it's _all_ true. Maybe there is a rainbow snake and a dude with thunderbolts and a boat made of dead men's fingernails.

_Or a bearded guy on a cloud._

Or a bearded guy on a cloud. Personally, I like to think that we make our own gods.

_That's surprisingly poetic of you, ma'am._

Yeah, well, if that is the case then I'm going to make myself a god, Williams. Just you watch. And I want a front row seat when the time comes. All in a blaze of glory - just me and the void and the end of the world.

_That's kind of...well, I'm not afraid of dying because I know where I'm going afterwards, but I don't really see where you get all that confidence from. _

Ha! Why even think about it? That won't be for another eternity, right! We've got too much shit to do in the mean time.

_We sure have. There's only one lead left though. The prothean expert...if you need me, I'll do what I can to help. I'll be down here. As usual..._

You know what? You're alright, Williams. Tell you what, Garrus an' me are goin' to murder some doctor or something. Why don't you come with us? Then we'll get ice cream when we hit back on the Citadel.

_I'd like that, ma'am._

Alright. I'll call you when we're due to leave.

**[End of Recording]**

* * *

**[Recording Entry: 28-c]**

_Yo Williams!_

_Ah! John...hi..._

_How you doin' girl-oh shit, Jammy?_

Get your mitts off my chief, Jojo!

_I didn't touch anything. What are you two doing together?_

We're goin' on a mission with Garrus.

_Really? What's this about? Let me get my stu-_

Nah, sod off. We don't need you.

_Aw, what? Seriously, where are you going?_

Somewhere fun and interesting and you're totally not invited! SPECTRE BUSINESS, SUCKER.

_Jammyyy~_

**[End of Recording]**


	29. Entry 29

**[Recording Entry: 29-a ]**

Oohhh~ When you're goin' on the good ship Fedele! Fedeellle~ When you're goin' on the good ship Fedele! Fedeellle!

_Commander-_

I came to see! The MSV!

_Comma-_

Good ship! Fedele! FEDELE!

_Stop that!_

What!

_I've waited too long for this moment. You're ruining it._

I'm adding character.

_This is serious. Dr. Saleon is here. I just know it._

I hope so. I'd hate to shoot the wrong scientist.

_..._

Aaahaha! No I wouldn't! I don't care. Let's just get inside and kill this guy-shit! Spilt me gin. Watch out for that step, guys.

_Ma'am? What has this Salarian actually done?_

Oh, um...something about...uhh...

_Commander, I told you this morning. _

Ahhh...

_He's been butchering people! Growing organs inside them. He got away from me once. He won't get away from me again._

I knew that! I was just testing to see if you knew that.

_Really? - You know what, never mind. He's a monster, Williams. He deserves to die._

_We're not going to take him in?_

Whut? Naah. This is C-Sec's treat for following orders.

_He follows orders...so now you're going to let him murder someone._

Ah! Sounds like a little bit of chappy Alenko is rubbin' off on you there!

_Ha, thank you. I'll take that as a compliment, ma'am._

But not literally off on you, 'cause then I'd kill you.

_Wait, what?_

In the depths of space. Where no one can hear you.

_Ma'am, I don't-_

Shh-shh-shh...don't fight me on this.

_Please stop stroking my hair..._

_You two, quiet! Did you hear that?_

Hear what?

_Something behind this door! Hold on a second, let me get it open..._

What is it?

_Over behind those crates...something's coming round._

Is it the doctor? Shotgun time!

_It's...not the doctor!_

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

_Prepare for close fire!_

IS THAT A ZOMBIE?

_It looks like Dr. Saleon is still performing his experiments!_

WHY ARE THERE ZOMBIES?

_Pass me one of the cryo grenades, would you!_

AND WHY ARE THERE ALWAYS SO MANY CRATES IN FRONT OF THESE DOORS?

_Commander! Behind you!_

NOOO~

**[End of Recording]**

* * *

**[Recording Entry: 29-b]**

What the fuck! What the fuuuck! That was disgusting!

_Ugh...oh man, that was nasty. Ma'am, are you going to come down?_

Not until you run a damn perimeter check. I got goo. _GOO._

_Garrus? Are we clear?_

_We're clear._

On my SHOES. Goo, guys. Seriously.

_Come on. Saleon's got to be through here._

Erk, let me get down then. Did anyone see where I threw my drink?

_Here it is, ma'am._

There's brains on the rim...

_Don't drink from that._

This was my favourite glass...

_Commander! There he is!_

_Thank you! Thank you for saving me from those things!_

_That's him. That's Dr. Saleon._

_What? My name is Hart, Dr. Hart. Please, you have to get me out of here!_

Double check, C-Sec.

_No need. That's him. There's no escape for you this time, doctor. I'd harvest your organs first, but we don't have the time..._

...actually, we have plenty of time.

_He's crazy! Please, don't let him do this to me!_

Ehh, quit yer bitchin' doc. Do your thing, C-Sec. My mouth is getting dry.

_Gladly. Your days of butchering are over, Doctor._

_No, please! Please!_

_..._

_That was...satisfying._

Good! Remember that feeling.

_I will, Commander._

Yeah, but hey - you can't go around shooting _anyone_ you feel like! Remember _that_, too.

_I...yes, Commander._

Otherwise you'd just be some crackpot vigilante, all shacked up in some shithole playin' Batman. All gettin' yourself killed or somethin'!

_Of course, Commander._

Eh, you did good today. You feelin' better?

_Much better._

Good. Move out.

...

_Ma'am?_

Yeah?

_Do you get the feeling you just taught him something you shouldn't have..._

Whut? Nah, he'll be fine. I think he just needed this one. He'll probably calm down now.

_If you say so..._

C'mon. We're goin' to the Citadel.

**[End of Recording]**


	30. Entry 30

**[Recording Entry: 30-a]**

Just a quick entry before I head to the bar for drinks with the rest of the guys. It's been a busy few days since the Noveria incident. I almost feel like I'm workin' too hard! I'm still peeing purple after that nasty barbecue but I think the colour's kind of growing on me now...  
Anyway, I just stopped off at the embassies to ask Udina to stop ridin' on me for killin' off the Rachni queen, an' also 'cause I wanted to see whether Anderson had calmed down after our last chat. Phoned him a couple of days ago an' he said someone had been inside his apartment...dunno whether that's true or not though. There was no one in. Not even the secretary. Someone had been pastin' bits of foil on all the walls in his office though - and I think it's obvious _who -_ and there was a Keeper peeling them down. I think the big bug scared Anderson off 'cause there wasn't even a note. I'm wonderin' whether or not I should talk to Udina about this now...but then Udina's always acting like a dick anyway so I'll leave it for a bit longer and see where that goes.

Just ordered a new rail extension for my shotgun 'cause John and Wrex used the last one to cook bacon on. Gonna get Kaidan to lift a dude so I can blast him with my new heavy rounds, see how high I can get 'em! Ahaha!  
Havin' it delivered to the bar with some other shit, which I'll go shove in my customs locker before we head out.

Shepard out!

**[End of Recording]**

* * *

**[Recording Entry: 30-b]**

WHAT. THE. FUCK.

I've been robbed! Some bastard slapped omnigel on my customs locker and ran off with all my stuff! Why does that even work! _Who designed this shit?_

**[End of Recording]**

* * *

**[Recording Entry: 30-c]**

_Commander! I've been waiting for you to get back._

What is it, Conrad? I don't have time for you right now! I got problems of my own.

_Look, I got an idea and I wanted to run it by you._

Dude. I'm seriously busy right now. I just got _robbed,_ man. Me! Shepard!

_That's exactly the kind of thing I could help you with! _

Unless you can get my shit back, I don't think there's anythin' you can do for me.

_I can't do that...but...well, there's so much bad stuff happening right now. I'm not sure if one Human Spectre is enough! Listen...what if you signed me on as another Spectre?_

What? What the hell kind of idea is that? Conrad, do you even have any training?

_Well...no. But there were people who didn't believe in you and you turned out alright!_

What the hell? Who didn't believe in me? I'm a god-damned war hero!

_I know! And I wanna be out there with you! Fighting the good fight! Like you did on Elysium during the blitz!_

Dude, I haven't been kicked around nearly enough to make that seem like a good idea. This is balls! You'll get yourself killed out there! More likely you'd just end up gettin' _me_ killed. No way, man!

_But if you'd just listen-_

No, you listen! I got so much shit to deal with right now you can't even imagine!

_I could help-_

I got dudes shootin' me, biotics throwin' me into walls!

_If I was-_

People I've never MET want to KILL ME just because I was in the AREA!

_Wha-_

I got the COUNCIL on my back, I got BRASS bitchin' down the comm-link!

_Just let-_

My doctor is a PSYCHO!

_I'm trying to-_

I can't get a damn date and my BROTHER - is shuffling through my ENTIRE CREW - with all the SUBTLETY - of a TANK - with Barry White's FACE, STAPLED TO THE FRONT!

_But-_

NO BUTS. YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I DEAL WITH ON A DAILY BASIS. I DON'T EVEN GET PAID FOR THIS! AND I. HAVE JUST. BEEN ROBBED. SOMETIMES...SOMETIMES I JUST WANT TO...TO...PULL OUT MY DAMN GUN AND - YARGHHH!

_Why are you doing this? Please don't hurt me!_

THIS IS WHAT I GET EVERY DAMN DAY! I WORKED MY ASS OFF TO GET TO A POSITION WHERE NOBODY GIVES A DAMN ABOUT MY FEELINGS. YOU CAN'T HANDLE THIS SHIT.

_I thought you were a hero! _

I AM A GOD DAMN HERO, BUT YOU THINK ANYONE ELSE GIVES A DAMN?

_Heroes don't do things like this! I wish I'd never met you!_

WHAT? Ugh!

_Shepard? Thought I heard you yelling. _

Wrex?

_Can't walk ten feet without pulling a gun on someone, can you?_

Seriously.

_Cheer up, Shepard. I know just the thing for this. Come on._

**[End of Recording]**

* * *

**[Recording Entry: 30-d]**

Awww yeahhh, got me an' M&M in here~

_We're not waiting for the guys?_

Nah, we're gonna meet up with them back on the Normandy. Let's get there first though. If they know I gots candy then I'll have to share it.

_Are you gonna eat those pretzels?_

Huh? Oh, naaah. I don't like those bits. Here, take the apple chips too...man, I hate it when a dude puts a fruit in my candy. Lies, man. Liiiies-wup! I'm walkin' here!

_Excuse me! _

Well watch it - oh ho, what's this? You a reporter, chicka?

_Uh, yes. I'm Kalisah Bint Sinan Al-Jilani, Westerlund News. _

Think you got enough names there, lady?

_Haha, yes, well I'm not currently on duty so-_

Whatever. I guess you're here to beg this Awesome Commander Shepard for an interview, yah?

_Actually, I was waiting for someone-_

No need to be shy! Everyone wants a piece o' this cake.

_I really don't have time-_

Yeah man, I just got bugged by another reporter upstairs! But I'm not like other heroes. Nah, not me.

_That's great, but I really need to be going-_

I stay in touch with you common rabble. Even though you're like ants to me now. I still find time out of my incredibly busy and important missions to talk to you.

_Okay, well you are a very kind pers-_

I suppose you're just dying to ask me about my mission, aren't you? Or how it feels to be the first and only Human Spectre. Well, let me tell you - hey, wait! Where are you going? Don't leave! Wrex!

_Yeah?_

Catch that reporter!

_Alright!_

**[End of Recording]**

* * *

**[Recording Entry: 30-e]**

_Ha, good one, Shepard._

Shut up! I need to think...

_She went down like a stone in water._

Oh god...what am I going to do?

_Ooh, her eye's turning black already!_

Damnit! Where'd that little camera go? Shit! It's been uploading the whole time?

_What're you panicking for, Shepard?_

I'm not panicking! I have everything under control!

_Then why are we standing around?_

Ugh, grab the chick. We'll take her down to maintenance.

_Uh...she's not dead, Shepard._

What difference does it make! We need to hide the evidence! Just grab the damn girl and let's-

_Look. It's the others._

SHIT!

_Commander? What are you doing...Commander, who is that?_

_Isn't that the Westerlund reporter? _

_What the hell happened here?_

Nothing! She fell into a door!

_...She fell into a door._

She fell into a door!

_A door._

She fell into it.

_In the middle of the Access Corridor._

...yes.

_...alright, Commander. What were you going to do with her?_

_We were taking her to maint-_

Med-clinic. We were taking her to the med-clinic.

_The med-clinic? In the visiting wards?_

Yeah. With the uh...the French chick?

_Alright then, Commander. She looks like she'll be fine, but it's better to be safe now than sorry later._

Yup! Well! Well...well, we'd better be getting back to that! See you later, guys! Come on, Wrex.

...

_... Commander?_

... Yes?

_The med-clinic is the other way._

...god damnit.

**[End of Recording]**

* * *

**[Recording Entry: 30-f]**

Hey, Ashley.

_Yeah?_

You talk to Kaidan, right?

_Yeah, I guess. Why?_

What's the deal with him and that doctor?

_I wasn't aware there was a 'deal' with him and the doctor._

Oh come on! They clearly know each other. What are they, friends? Somethin' goin' on there?

_Ma'am, I don't know anything about that. I speak to him just as much as you do. It's not like he tells me his secrets._

I'm tellin' you, Ashley. There's something going on there.

_So what if there is? He could do worse than a doctor._

Like who? There's plenty of women better than her. She's got a stupid face anyway! Wait, look! Where's he going? Think I should go ask him?

_I think maybe you'd better give him his space? I mean we're all cooped up on that ship most of the time...it's only normal for him to have friends outside the Alliance..._

C'mon! We're moving out!

_Wait! Where are we going?_

Shh! Don't yell so loud! We're gonna follow him.

**[End of Recording]**

* * *

**[Recording Entry: 30-g]**

Man, this cake is amazinnnng!

_Uh...weren't we doing something?_

What?

_I thought you wanted to follow Kaidan?_

Why-oh shit! Damn it! Where's he gone? How long have we been here?

_..._

Just forget it! Back to the clinic! Scram!

**[End of Recording]**


	31. Entry 31

**[Recording Entry: 31-a]**

Commander. Message coming in. Ooh, big surprise! The Alliance needs you again!

Ugh! Tell them I'm not in.

_Uh...we're on a ship. In space. Where should I tell them you are?_

I don't know. Just...tell them I'm not _here_.

_...alright, fine._

...

Well, what did they want?

_Something about meeting a warlord in the Terminus. Negotiate with them or something._

They wanted what? They wanted to negotiate with a criminal?

_That's what they said._

What kind of deal? Was it important?

_I don't think so. It's okay, Commander. They asked if there was anyone else available to take the call and I passed them over to Kaidan._

That's probably for the best to be honest.

_Yeah, that's what they thought too._

He's much better at this shit than I am. I don't know why they keep asking me to meet people if they don't want me to kill them. I'm just not good with negotiations.

_I've wondered about that myself actually._

...I'm really good at punching stuff though.

_Yeah, I saw what you did to that reporter! You're getting pretty good at that._

Everything can be solved with punching.

_Yep._

**[End of Recording]**

* * *

**[Recording Entry: 31-b]**

Ehehe!

_What're you lookin' so happy about, Jammy?_

Just shoved an Alliance mission on Kaidan. He's prepping up for GS an' I'm gonna be sittin' here suckin' the liqueurs out of these chocolates.

_Ooh, gimme! Where'd you get these? _

Ashley. Naw, don't look at me like that! She was gonna give them to me anyway. Look, it's got J.S. on the box there.

_...oh. Well... _

Mmm...cherries~

_Anyway, about the mission, that's fine an' all but what about your three step program?_

Ugh. What about it?

_Shouldn't you go with him? _

Nah. Pointless shit. Never got past the first stage.

_What was the second part anyway?_

A row of question marks. It doesn't matter, it's not working.

_But you went on so many missions. Are you saying it didn't work at all? _

He didn't even notice! I was being all cool and heroic an' shit too! I just don't get it. I have a nice ass, right? Look! Looook!

_Jane, get that thing outta my face!_

Ugh. This sucks. Everything sucks. Kaidan sucks.

_I don't know. Maybe you're putting too much thought into it._

What d'you mean?

_There's too many steps in your program._

There's only three!

_That's two too many._

What should I do then?

_Just do it like I do. Walk up to him and say, "Hey, baby..."_

I dunno man...

_Trust me. It works._

Okay... Tell me what to do. I'll give it a go.

**[End of Recording]**

* * *

**[Recording Entry: 31-c]**

Hey, baby...

_Uh, Commander?_

Yes Kaidan? Is there something you wanted to talk to me about?

_You were the one who came over here..._

Ah? So I did...Wahh~ So tired! Just gonna drape myself across this console here...

_Um, you're kind of in the way there - okayyy then... Was there something you needed, Commander?_

Call me 'Jane'...

_Was there something you needed, Jane?_

No, no...just wanted to see how my favourite lieutenant was doin'...Mmrrow-OH SHIT!

_Whoah, are you okay there?_

Ow! Damn it.

_That was quite a tumble...looked like you hit your head._

I'm fine! Anyway...how was your mission, Kaidan?

_It went well. _

Really? You didn't get lonely?

_Lonely?_

Without me there?

_Oh, no. I took Tali and Ashley. Negotiations got a little bit heated, but it was fine._

Ah. That's...that's good. I hope you guys had a good time...

_Well it wasn't a fun outing or anything, but yeah, the directives were achieved._

That's just super. So...got any plans for later?

_Let me think...no. No plans. Why?_

I was uh...wonderin' if you wanted to maybe get a drink in the comm room?

_Oh? Sounds like a plan. Who else is coming?_

Well...me. I'll be there.

_And...anyone else?_

... You? - Wait, why are you laughing?

_Well, for a moment there it sounded like you were asking me on a date._

Why is that funny?

_No, no...haha, it's just that going out with you would be like dating your brother, wouldn't it?_

I...what?

_When I see you two together, it's almost like looking at the same person! Haha~_

...

_Jane? Commander? Where are you- ...uh, okay! Later then!_

**[End of Recording]**

* * *

**[Recording Entry: 31-d]**

GET OFF MY GOD DAMN SHIP, JOHN.

_What! What did I do now? !_

It doesn't matter! Just get off already! You're not a Spectre and you're not even working here!

_Jammy! What the hell! How can you do this to me?_

Oh come on! It's not like you don't have other shit you could be doing!

_What is this about- are you...are you crying?_

I'M NOT CRYING!

_Oh god. You look hideous when you cry._

I DO NOT! I AM A STRONG AND BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.

_Have you been watching the daytime dramas again?_

I CAN ACCOMPLISH ANYTHING I SET MY MIND TO. EHH, WHY CANT IT BE LIKE ON THE VIDS?

_Let me guess. The Kaidan thing didn't go so well._

HE SAID IT'D BE LIKE DATING YOU, WHYYY~

_He...ahaha... ah...haha...BAHAHAHAHA! DUDE-ZONED!_

NOOOOooooo!~

**[End of Recording]**


	32. Entry 32

**[Recording Entry: 32-a]**

_Was that John I saw you booting out of the airlock earlier?_

I did not boot him out of the airlock, Joker. He's gone to stay with a friend on the Citadel.

_Oh really? And this has nothing to do with your little hissy fit in the mess hall?_

I was not having a hissy fit! What the fuck! That didn't happen.

_We could hear you all the way up in the CIC, Commander._

Oh my god.

_Yeah...what's the problem anyway? _

Nothing! It's just..ugh! I'm hot right? Joker? RIGHT?

_Uh...I guess you're okay..._

I MEAN LOOK AT ME.

_Yeah-yeah! You're alright. _

THESE ARE REAL, MAN. THESE ARE TOTALLY REAL.

_Ow-ow-ow! Stop! You're going to break something!_

I don't know what Alenko's problem is! I look nothing like John.

_Well...I mean you are twins..._

... What was that?

_Nothing!_

Maybe he's gay.

_Commander..._

What? Maybe he is!

_You're obsessed._

I'm not obsessed!

_I heard you asking Pressley whether Hackett was single or not!_

He had a sexy accent! I was just curious...

_Stop stressing out, will you! You're putting everyone else on edge. It's bad enough already._

I AM NOT STRESSING - oh whatever! I'm goin' down to see Wrex.

**[End of Recording]**

* * *

**[Recording Entry: 32-b]**

Like, oh my god, Diary! Did you know that Wrex is the prince of the Krogans? And that his dad is a zombie or whatever? Found that out just now when I went down to the cargo! Jumped right out of a grave when Wrex went for a Krogan pow-wow so he knifed him. Totally death metal!  
I was only down there 'cause I saw a piece of old armour in some guy's warehouse a while back. I was shootin' the place up for reasons I can't remember - probably because it was there and I had a gun - anyway, I brought it back to the ship with me 'cause I'm sick of Wrex's armour totally being too similar to my new stuff. He says it belonged to his ancestors!

Huh, seriously man. This galaxy is gettin' way too small for me.

Whatever. Might as well just get on to the last lead. I'm gettin' sick of these damn Asari...better just get it over with. Rip off the band-aid!

Shepard out!

**[End of Recording]**

* * *

**[Recording Entry: 32-c]**

_Good timing, Commander. We got a transmission coming in from the Citadel. Top level clearance._

Is it the Ambassador?

_It's not his signature. I think it's from the council. I'll patch it through to the comm room._

Alright, thanks. I'll go on through now.

...

_Commander Shepard. We've received information that may be critical in your mission against Saren._

Oh, Councillor. I thought it was your strict policy to be as not useful as possible?

_Nobody wants to see you fail, Commander. _

Not even the Turian?

_Well okay, maybe that guy. But still, we've received an urgent transmission from one of our infiltration units in the Traverse. _

You have infiltration units in the Traverse? What for?

_We currently have several of our units scattered throughout the border regions of Citadel space. This particular unit was gathering intel on Saren._

Oh ho! Well? What did they find?

_Unfortunately, the message we received was little more than static. It came through on a critical channel though so we assume it must be important. Considering your interest in Saren we thought you might want to investigate this. _

Huh. Well, it's better than nothing, I guess.

_Good. Find out what happened to our team. The message originated from the planet Virmire._

Wait - you're only telling me this because you want me to go and figure out what the deal is with your team! Why can't you just send someone else to do it?

_Because you're the new guy._

Ugh, fine! So needy!

_Remember, Commander. The council does not want to become involved in the specific activities of its Spectres. We only want you to be aware of all your options. _

I get it, I get it. This is a one-time-only deal.

_Exactly, and good luck, Commander. We'll let you know if we learn anything else. _

But you just said you wouldn't- ugh...you just make up these rules as you go along, don't you.

**[End of Recording]**

* * *

**[Recording Entry: 32-d]**

Change of plans, buddy! We're goin' to Virmire!

_You're still avoiding that Prothean expert?_

I'm not avoiding it! I just have more important things to do right now.

_Oh, obviously._

I do! That was the Council.

_Yeah?_

They told me to check out an infiltration unit on the edge of the Traverse. They might have some information on Saren that we could use.

_Really? So they finally stopped dragging their heels. Where are we headed?_

A planet called Virmire. It's out in Sentry Omega.

_Alright. Well you pick it out on the map and I'll get on that._

Aye. I'll do it on my way through, then I'm gonna go take a hot soak while we get there. Wanna be all refreshed an' shit when I arrive. Show those STGs not to look down on us!

_Uh...we don't have a bath tub..._

Nah, but if you block up the drains in the shower room it fills up with water. Like my own private paddle pool, man!

_What? You can't - other people need to use those, Commander!_

Not right now they don't! Toodles!

**[End of Recording]**


	33. Entry 33

**[Recording Entry: 33-a]**

_I'm picking up a signal. Must be our infiltration team._

_Check out those__ defence__ towers down there._

Ugh, what the hell. How close can you get us, Joker?

_I can get you in under their radar, but you'll need to take them down before I can land._

Alright, go for it. Ashley, Kaidan, prep up and meet me down by the rover.

_On it, Commander.  
Understood, ma'am._

See you later, Joker!

_So long, Commander._

**[End of Recording]**

* * *

**[Recording Entry: 33-b]**

Nice work there. Not bad for an overdesigned boondoggle, eh?

_~~It's useless without a hot-shot pilot though. I'll be out of range while you take out their defences. I'm reading hostiles in the area.~~_

When are there _not_ are hostiles in the area? Just go float around for a bit while we sort this shit out.

_~~I know how it works!~~_

_..._

Man, this place is _nice_. Look at this! We've got the ocean, sun, sand...uh, lightning. Giant digusting crab tables. Ew...we should pick up a few of those on our way in...

_Commander, are you going to be driving?_

Eh? Naw, gonna enjoy me this view while I have the chance. - Hup! You know what, I'm just gonna sit up outside on the front here, so don't rock it too much when you're peeling around corners, yeah?

_You sure you're gonna be okay out there?_

Yeah. I'll use the snipe. Let me just get...settled...in... oh dude, pass me one of those pillows from the back seat. Nice, thanks. There we go! Hey, you know what we need for the mako? A mixer! Or at least a mini fridge.

_Well there's half a bottle of something down here between the seats..._

Aha! That'll do... Bleh! What is this shit? Oh, whatever. It's better than nothin'. Alright, onward soldiers!

_You look comfortable. Are you having a good time out there?_

Yeah, the breeze is great- Hey, armature to east side!

_I'm on it, ma'am!_

Ah! Watch it with the turret! You'll knock me off!

_Sorry, ma'am._

_There's a gatehouse ahead, it's blocking the route._

Take us in carefully. Sensors are picking up a rocket trooper - oh, there it is, on the balcony. Let me line up...steady...steadyyy... Boom! HEADSHOT!

_I need to take the mako in now, Commander. _

Right, then I'm gonna get down and skirt around those rocks for stragglers. Meet you in, eh, about ten? Make your way in, should be some controls somewhere.

_Will do._

...

_~~This is Normandy to shore party. I'm reading that the defence grid is down, Commander. Moving on to the Salarian base now. We'll see you there. Out.~~_

On our way. C'mon, let's get over - ooh, there goes the Normandy! - Haha! This mission rocks.

**[End of Recording]**

* * *

**[Recording Entry: 33-c]**

ONNNE-TWOOO-THREE-FOURR- OOOOHHH, I'M DRIVIN' ON THE MAKO YES I AM! YES I AM! YEAH, I'M DRIVIN' ON THE MAKO YES I AM! YES I AMMM! YEAH I'M DRIVIN' ON THE MAKO AND THIS RIDE AIN'T GOIN' SO SLOW, YEAH I'M DRIVIN' ON THE MAKO YES I AM! YES I AURGH-SHIT-

_COMMANDER!_

**[End of Recording]**

* * *

**[Recording Entry: 33-d]**

_Are those crabs?_

Aye, get a fire goin'.

_Again? Commander, you're going to poison us all._

So be it! It is our duty, nay, _priviledge_ as human beings to take a bite out of everything, Joker. This is serious business.

_Jeez...at least they look better than the Rachni..._

That's the spirit! For Earth! C'mon, let's-

_Commander! We have a problem. _

Ugh. You get to that. I'm gonna go check in.

...

Yo! Commander Shepard. Spectre. Badass.

_Captain Kirrahe, Third Regiment STG. _

What's the problem?

_You and your crew just landed in a hotzone. Every AA gun within ten miles alerted to your presence._

Seriously? Damnit...what do we do now?

_Nothing we can do. Stay put until requested reinforcements arrive._

_... We are the reinforcements._

_What? You're all they sent? Requested Council to send a fleet!_

Yeah...your message was static. We got nothin' from it. We came to see what the deal is.

_The deal. The deal? I lost half my men investigating 'the deal'. _

What? Why? So there's a few Geth around, this place looks harmless.

_More than 'a few', Commander. This is Saren's research facility. It's-_

Saren! Seriously? Is he here?

_Haven't seen him, but place is crawling with Geth. Have also intercepted comms refering to him. _

Damn it. Should have known that jerk had a little scientist in him. What's he doing?

_He's using the facility to breed army of Krogans._

...what.

_Apparently he has discovered a cure for the genophage. _

_... ... ..._WREEEX! GET OVER HERE!

**[End of Recording]**


	34. Entry 34

**[Recording Entry: 34-a]**

_We can't do this! If there's a cure for the genophage, we can't destroy it. We need it._

I know ducky, but I'm not the one you should be yelling at! Saren's the dick here, not me!

_Is he? Really? Because he created a cure for my people and you just want to destroy it!_

I never said I wanted to destroy it! But we can't leave the facility like this. If we had the resources and the time then yeah, but we don't.

_MAKE TIME, SHEPARD. This is my species we're talking about!_

Your species versus every species!

...

Okay...I didn't mean to say that. I didn't mean it like that.

_My people are dying, Shepard. We need this._

It's not going to be there on some convenient file, man! All labeled "GENOPHAGE CURE DO NOT TOUCH."

_But it's in there somewhere! We could-_

We haven't got the manpower to do a thorough sweep. We'd be slaughtered, and by the time the Council sends a fleet he would have an army behind him.

_But we need those numbers. Think what this would do for my species. This could change everything!_

But then he would be unstoppable! We don't have a choice. We _have_ to destroy- WHOAH, WHOAH! WHAT'S WITH THE GUN! WHY ARE YOU POINTING YOUR GUN AT ME!

_I FOLLOWED YOU SO FAR, BUT I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN LET YOU DO THIS!_

WHAT ABOUT OUR BROMANCE?

_WHAT ABOUT MY SPECIES?_

DUDE! WE'RE BUDDIES! DON'T DO THIS TO ME.

_I KNOW, BUT WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?_

WE ARE GOING TO HAVE A BARBECUE.

_SHEPARD!_

YOU ARE INVITED TO IT!

_...SHEPARD..._

YOU SHOULD PUT THE GUN AWAY AND COME EAT WITH ME.

_...Shepard._

Wrex...

_...You're right. It was the Turians that unleashed the genophage in the first place. I doubt Saren will treat us any better than the rest of his kind. I don't like this...but I'll come with you. You have to promise me though, Shepard - if there's a chance -_

If there's a chance, we'll take it. Fuck yeah we will take it.

_Alright._

Okay, just forget about this. Let's go back.

**[End of Recording]**

* * *

**[Recording Entry: 34-b]**

Okay guys, we know what we're doin', right?

_Commander, you should rethink this. I think I should go with the STG._

Kaidan, we appreciate the offer but well, you're just not...that sturdy. If I'm gonna be sendin' one of my possé in with that lot, I want someone who can take a beating.

_Are you saying I'm not dependable?_

No. I'm saying that your talents can be used more effectively with us. Kirrahe has all the tech support he needs. What he can use the most is a heavy commando, which is why we're sending Ashley. We need you here. How else are we gonna loot shit?

_...Alright Commander. I understand._

And no bullshit, Williams! If there's gonna be any daring heroics, it's goin' to be from me, yeah?

_Ha! Understood, ma'am. _

Wrex, you're coming with me, right? Go get your stuff. Ashley, you'll be coordinating with the STG entering from the other side of the base, keep us updated.

_Will do. Don't do anything stupid while I'm gone, LT. You too, ma'am._

_We'll be fine, Ashley._

_Yeah, I...good luck._

Somethin' wrong, Chief?

_Nothing. Just going under someone else's command feels kinda weird. I've gotten so used to working with you guys._

_Don't worry. We'll see you on the other side._

_I know, ah- it's been an honor serving with you, Commander Shepard._

Hey! Don't get all dramatic on me, Ashley. We'll see you in a few hours! It's fine, it's just another mission. We come down, kick some ass, detonate a giant bomb and go back for drinks.

_You're right, sorry. I guess the Salarian got me on edge._

He's got _everyone_ on edge. God, he was depressing wasn't he? And speaking of, looks like he's ready for you. Alright guys, let's move out!

_See you later then! _

... ... ...Ashley, wait!

_Yeah?_

... Good luck.

_You too, ma'am._

_..._

_Are you okay, Commander? Is something wrong?_

Nah. It's just...for a moment there I got a weird feeling. It's nothing. C'mon, let's get going!

**[End of Recording]**


	35. Entry 35

**[Recording Entry: 35-a]**

This is Shadow, do you guys read me?

_Reading you loud and clear, ma'am._

Woo! Feels good to be in the thickett, don't it?

_Haven't worked this hard in a long time!_

How you doin' over there?

_We're holding up alright. What's your status?_

Pretty good! We've scrambled their communications, taken down their uplink and that big impressive kaboom you just heard was their refuelling station.

_I thought that was you!_

Aye. So all the players are now on the field. Remember, once they're down, they're _down_. Every one of those bastards you take out now brings us closer to appletinis.

_Aye aye, ma'am!_

We've done what we can here. We're heading into the facility now so expect radio silence from us unless it's absolutely necessary.

_Roger that. We're going to push forward. Take care of yourself._

Relax, Chief, I'm a bastion of Humanity, heroes never die!

_Go get 'em, ma'am!_

Sidekicks do though, so watch your ass! Haha!

**[End of Recording]**

* * *

**[Recording Entry: 35-b]**

Hey! Down here. Think you can get this open, Kaidan?

_I'm on it._

Excellent. We can sneak in from the lower level and take 'em by surprise.

_It's open. Simple, really._

And that's is why we needed you on our team. Wrex, get in there and see if it's clear.

_Looks good to me._

Alright, go. This is a lot easier than I thought it would be...only minimal resistance so far and-yargh!

_Whoah! Salarians? The Captain said something about losing some men._

These guys are crazy! What the hell!

_This must be more of that indoctrination we've encountered before...Commander, what is this place?_

There is something fundamentally wrong about an angry Salarian. Krogans, yeah, but Salarians? Yuck. C'mon guys, move it before we run into anymore! Up those stairs! Go!

_Hello? Is someone out there?_

Are these prison cells? What does Saren need prison cells for?

_Hello? Can you help me?_

Hold on, I'm comin' down...oof! That ledge was a little higher than it looked. Wrex, stay put an' help me get back up. You jump down an' we'll probably have a hole in the floor...

_Well, you're not one of those Geth, and you're not wearing a labcoat, so I guess I'm glad to see you._

You're not crazy? Like the others?

_I know who you mean, but I'm not. I'm Lieutenant Ganto Imnes, Third Infiltration Regiment. I was captured during recon. Are you here to blow up the base?_

Yup. I'm the reinforcements.

_But we asked for a fleet..._

Yeah? Well you got somethin' better. What's going on here? Why is Saren keeping you? Why not just kill you?

_He's using us to study the effects of the indoctrination. I don't think he understands how it works, so he's been holding us here. That's all I know. It turned the others into mindless husks, I don't want to end up like that! Let me out?_

Hmm...And you're _sure _you're not crazy?

_I'm not! _

Definitely sure?

_I told you, I'm not crazy!_

Triple sure?

_Come on!_

I don't know...you _say_ you're not crazy but that does sound like something a crazy person would say...

_Just let me out! _

Hmmm...if I do, are you gonna try and shank me?

_It's getting tempting...but no. I'll try to find my regiment and rejoin them._

Ugh...well alright. I'm going to open your cell now...but if you come back and try to shank me I'll be totally pissed!

_Understood, thank you. I'll be going now!_

_Commander, we should get going too. We need to get to those AA guns so the Normandy can land. If we waste too much time here the other teams will be in trouble._

You're right. Let's go. Wrex, give me a hand up will you?

_I got you, Shepard._

**[End of Recording]**

* * *

**[Recording Entry: 35-c]**

Do you guys hear that?

_Hear what, Commander?_

That damn noise!

_You mean the gunfire?_

No, the other thing...what is that? Don't you hear it?

_I...all I hear is the turrets, Commander._

It's making my teeth itch. I don't like this place.

**[End of Recording]**


	36. Entry 36

**[Recording Entry: 36-a]**

Walked like miles already...can't believe we haven't passed a kitchen yet.

_We're not going to waste time making snacks, Commander._

Please, I am a professional, what do you take me for? But still...I am pretty hungry. Eh, I really should have had some of that crab before we left.

_Yeah, well it'll taste even better after a hard day's work... I mean, that's if it doesn't already taste like soil and battery acid, anyway._

I know that! I'm not saying we should go out of our way or anything but if we pass somewhere, well there's no harm in-

_Commander! Under the desk!_

_Don't shoot! _

Hey you! Get out from under there!

_Please, I'm not your enemy! I just want to get out of here before it's too late!_

Don't move! Who are you?

_Don't hurt me! I'm no one, really! I'm not one of his commandos, please. It shouldn't be like this. I'm just a scientist!_

AH! THAT'S EVEN WORSE!

_No! Don't point that thing at me! Look, my name is Rana Thanoptis. I'm just a neurologist here. I work for Saren but I don't want to die for this job! It's not like I even did anything important!_

You admit you're working for the enemy! Why should I let you go?

_Because...uh...I - I can help you! I can unlock the lab access elevator for you!_

Wait-wait-wait...

_Yes?_

You're a scientist...

_Yes..._

and you're actually going to _unlock_ a door for us...

_...yes._

...huh. I don't really know how to respond to that.

_Let me just get it open for you...there, full access! Saren's private lab and office! All of his private files are here. Are we good? Will you let me go?_

...uh, yeah. I s'pose. I mean you probably won't escape the blast radius anyway.

_What? !_

Way I look at it, you've got about an hour before the place goes boom, so knock yourself out lady.

_What! But - you can't - nooo!_

Hehehe - hey wow, look at her go... I might have shot her if I knew she could run that fast.

_Commander..._

Oh! Right, right. On to the lab!

**[End of Recording]**

* * *

**[Recording Entry: 36-b]**

Okay, spread out and look around. I'll give you five minutes to find something on this cure, Wrex. Sift through those datapads in that cabinet. Kaidan, you start on the terminal over there. I'm gonna be uh...over here...doing something important...

_On it, Commander.  
Alright._

_Hmm, not a lot of encryption on these files Comma- ...Commander, are you doing your hair?_

What! No, I'm doing important shit over here!

_Ri-_

I don't see you tappity-tapping! Stop pointing fingers at me when you have your own shit.

_Ugh, really? Alright, Commander..._

**...**

Sooo... Anything on that terminal?

_Nothing relevant._

Mmm...then come stand over here, Kaidan.

_What is it?_

No, right here. By the wall.

_Okay...and why are we doing this?_

You don't hear that?

_I don't hear anything. Are you sure it's not just static from the nearby terminals?_

It's not. It's all tingly. It's like...I don't know...

_Commander, I don't think you should focus on it too-_

_Shepard! Over here, I've found something._

What is it?

_Come and see._

Alright, let me take a...what? "TOP SECRET. DO NOT TOUCH..." Well. Whaddya know.

_This might be the file we're looking for?_

It's the best we're likely to get. We've wasted enough time. Grab it and let's get back up the east ramp.

_Wait, Commander. What's through this door here?_

I don't know, didn't we come this way?

_No. Looks like this goes to a different area. The gate is sealed though, Shepard._

_Oh well, it's probably just a maintenance area. We don't have time for this-_

No, hold on. It's worse here...

_What's worse?_

Don't tell me you don't hear it! That fucking humming!

_Commander, are you okay? You're acting kind of-_

HMMMM-HMMMM-HMMMM-ARE YOU SAYING YOU DON'T HEAR THAT?

_Calm down! We're done here, let's just go back up and-_

NO. God! Get that fucking gate open!

_I can't! There's at least three interfaces here, it'll take too long._

Just work on one then! Wrex, there was some omnigel back in the lab. Go fetch it.

_Be right back then._

**[End of Recording]**


	37. Entry 37

**[Recording Entry: 37-a]**

_Commander, look! It's another one of those beacons, like the one back on Eden Prime-_

DON'T FUCKING TOUCH IT!

_I wasn't-_

I'm serious! You stay over there. Go on!

_Commander, I'm not going to touch it...is this where the noise was coming from?_

I don't know, but probably. Phew...for a moment there I thought I was going to be indoctrinated too.

_You had us worried there for a while._

Yeah well, don't bother about it. Look, you know I have to go and activate the thing, right?

_I figured as much, but__ be careful. We don't know what this one will do._

It should be fine...but hey! If this thing blows up you'd better not fucking leave me here.

_...then I guess all we can do is hope that it doesn't blow up._

Right, what do we have here. Let's see...it's active, so all I should need to do is h!gd^&&8!sw3a#2- - -

**[End of Recording]**

* * *

**[Recording Entry: 37-b]**

_Commander! Are you alright?_

Shit, dude...I think I broke my ass...

_Well at least you're conscious this time. What happened with the beacon?_

Pretty much the same thing that happened on Eden Prime and Feros. I still don't understand any of this! It's like watching an experimental black metal vid...ugh.

_I don't get it. There's got to be something you're missing. If Saren had this brought here then it must be important._

I know. I wish we had time to load this thing onto the ship...

_I agree, but it's too big to transport through this warzone right now. Are you good to move?_

Yeah, I'm fine. Let's just-

_/ YOU ARE NOT SAREN._

_What is that? Some kind of VI interface? An intruder alarm?_

It's a bit late for an alarm to go off isn't it?

_We should shut it down before it alerts any more of Saren's forces._

Duh! Like it matters. We've been shooting up this place for hours now. I'm quite sure they know we're here already. 'Sides, I'm getting sick of this place.

_Fine, let's just leave it then. Ashley's team should be-_

_/ WAIT. I'M TALKING._

Ugh! What do you want!

_/ RUDIMENTARY CREATURES OF BLOOD AND FLESH. YOU TOUCH MY MIND, FUMBLING IN IGNORANCE. INCAPABLE OF UNDERSTANDING. _

That is a serious accusation! I'll have you know that I touched no such thing.

_/ THERE IS A REALM OF EXISTENCE SO FAR BEYOND YOUR OWN YOU CANNOT UNDERSTAND IT. I AM BEYOND YOUR COMPREHENSION. _

I don't know, man. I can comprehend a lot of stuff. I don't have to tell you guys but I was pretty smart in college.

_/ WAS._

Oh, you know what I mean-wait, whatever! Shut up! Like anyone cares about what you think. You're just a stupid interface anyway-

_/ I AM SOVEREIGN._

Hold on, what? Are you saying _you're_ Saren's giant hand-ship?

_Commander, I don't think Sovereign is just a ship... I think it's an actual Reaper._

So you're saying the Reapers are giant hand-ships?

_/ WE ARE NOT GIANT HAND-SHIPS. WE ARE THE PINNACLE OF EXISTENCE. _

Incorrect, _I_ am the pinnacle of existence. Only like ten people even know that the Reapers exist and at least three of those don't give a shit.

_/ REAPER. A LABEL CREATED BY THE PROTHEANS TO GIVE VOICE TO THEIR DESTRUCTION. IN THE END WHAT THEY CHOOSE TO CALL US IS IRRELEVANT. WE SIMPLY ARE._

So you're not Reapers? What _are_ you then?

_/ WE...ARE THE PINNACLE OF EXISTENCE._

Yeah, I got that already. But what ARE you?

_/ WE ARE THE SUPERIOR CONSTRUCTS OF YOUR DESTRUCTION._

That's not telling me anything...

_/ ...YOU CANNOT COMPREHEND US._

Well this is going nowhere.

_Shepard, the Protheans died out fifty-thousand years ago. Sovereign couldn't have been around back then, it's impossible._

_Wrex is right. I don't think that even a machine could last that long._

So he's not an organic?

_/ NO. DETESTABLE._ _ORGANIC LIFE IS NOTHING BUT A GENETIC MUTATION. AN ACCIDENT._

A _tasty _accident. So you're not edible then?

_/ STOP INTERRUPTING ME. YOUR LIVES ARE MEASURED IN YEARS AND DECADES. YOU WITHER AND DIE. WE ARE ETERNAL._

_Commander, what is your deal with trying to eat everything lately?_

_/ BEFORE US YOU ARE NOTHING. YOUR EXTINCTION IS INEVITABLE. _

_I dunno, I just feel like I should try more things, widen my horizons a-_

_/ SERIOUSLY. SHUT UP. WE ARE THE END OF EVERYTHING._

You are the end of decent conversation! Whatever it is that you think you're achieving here, it's pointless. I _will_ stop you. Nobody fucks with my galaxy but ME.

_/ CONFIDENCE BORNE OF IGNORANCE. THE CYCLE CANNOT BE BROKEN._

_What cycle? What are you talking about?_

_/ THE PATTERN HAS REPEATED ITSELF MORE TIMES THAN YOU CAN FATHOM. _

Now you're just being pretentious! I can fathom basic numbers you dick!

_/ ORGANIC CIVILISATIONS RISE. EVOLVE. ADVANCE. AND AT THE APEX OF THEIR GLORY THEY ARE EXTINGUISHED. THE PROTHEANS WERE NOT THE FIRST. _

Yeah? Isn't that fascinating.

_/ THEY DID NOT CREATE THE CITADEL. THEY DID NOT FORGE THE MASS RELAYS. THEY MERELY FOUND THEM. THE LEGACIES OF MY KIND._

Wait - I thought those were Prothean inventions?

_/ NO. THEY ARE OURS._

Yeah, but the way I hear it, the Protheans are kind of famous for creating both of those.

_/ I'M SERIOUS. WE INVENTED THOSE THINGS._

Okayyy...well, uh...good for you then. Those are very handy things and we enjoy having them.

_/ YES. YOUR CIVILISATION IS BASED ON THE TECHNOLOGY OF THE MASS RELAYS. OUR TECHNOLOGY. _

Thanks, I guess.

_/ YOU ARE WELCOME. BY USING IT YOUR SOCIETY DEVELOPS ALONG THE PATHS WE DESIRE. WE IMPOSE ORDER ON THE CHAOS OF ORGANIC EVOLUTION. _

What the fuck? You're herding us?

_/ YOU EXIST BECAUSE WE ALLOW IT AND YOU WILL END BECAUSE WE DEMAND IT._

That's a bit flighty of you isn't it! Why even bother at all? What exactly is it that you want from us anyway? Are you raising us for resources? Credits? Slaves?

_/ YOUR QUERIES ARE IRRELEVANT. MY KIND TRANSCENDS YOUR VERY UNDERSTANDING. _

What? You want our sweet loot?

_/ EXTRANEOUS. WE ARE EACH A NATION. INDEPENDANT. FREE OF ALL WEAKNESS. YOU CANNOT EVEN GRASP THE NATURE OF OUR EXISTENCE. _

But you're a machine right? So you must have a creator! Who built you? Where did you come from?

_/ WE HAVE NO BEGINNING. WE HAVE NO END. _

Well that's obviously not true! Metal doesn't evolve-

_/ WE ARE INFINITE. MILLIONS OF YEARS AFTER YOUR CIVILISATION HAS BEEN ERADICATED AND FORGOTTEN WE WILL ENDURE._

Alright...when you say 'we'... Is that is a royal 'we' and not an actual 'we'? Because that would-

_/ WE ARE LEGION. OUR NUMBERS WILL DARKEN THE SKY OF EVERY WORLD. _

- damnit.

_/ YOU CANNOT ESCAPE YOUR DOOM._

Ooh drama! I'm getting sick of you! I'm not scared, you know. You're not even alive! You're just another useless machine, and machines can be broken. Two of my toasters actually set _on fire_. What hope do YOU have for survival?

_/ THE TIME OF OUR RETURN IS COMING._

Whoah! Look at all the cares I'm totally not having about anything you just said.

_/ YOUR WORDS ARE AS EMPTY AS YOUR FUTURE. I AM THE VANGUARD OF YOUR DESTRUCTION AND I AM NOT TALKING TO YOU ANYMORE._

What a little bitc-_AH! _THE WINDOWS!WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT? !

_I think you made it mad, Commander!_

IT'S NOT MY FAULT IT'S SO EMOTIONAL!

~~ _Commander! We got trouble! ~~_

You've got trouble? You think _you've_ got trouble?

_~~ That ship, Sovereign? It's moving! I don't know what you did down there but that thing just pulled a turn that would shear any of our ships in half! It's coming your way and it's coming hard! ~~_

Oh. You meant _I've_ got trouble. Yeah, that sounds more like it.

_~~ You need to wrap things up in there fast! ~~_

_What're your orders, Commander?_

I guess this means it's time to set off the big kaboom. Let's go set some dudes on fire...

**[End of Recording]**


	38. Entry 38

**[Recording Entry: 38-a]**

~~ _Alright! The AA guns are down, Commander. That's one less thing to worry about. ~~_

And the landing site is clear. Come on in.

_~~ I'm bringing us around now. I'll try to get as close to the drop site as possible. ~~_

Joker, I want you ON the damn site. What do I look like, a mule? I'm not gonna be runnin' back an' forth with that thing. Just get her down here already!

_~~ Stress much? ~~_

I've worked hard today! I want my crab. If you can't manage that then maybe next time _you_ can wear the boots and _I_ can play solitaire in the cockpit all day.

_~~ Okay, okay! Sheesh! We're coming down now. Just watch I don't take off without you though. ~~ _

You wouldn't dare!

**[End of Recording]**

* * *

**[Recording Entry: 38-b]**

Yo, Kaidan, we're ready for you! Go get that thing unloaded.

_I'm on it, Commander._

Eh, good. Set the big mushroom down over there by the support. Alright, do your thing.

_~~ Ma'am? You there? Can you read me? ~~_

Aye, Chief? What d'ya need? We're about to set off the fireworks. Get over here.

_~~ Negative, ma'am. ~~_

What? We're almost ready, come on!

_~~ Can't! We've got trouble here. The Geth have us pinned down at the AA tower. ~~_

Stop fooling around, Chief. You're going to miss the fun bit!

_~~ We've taken heavy casualties! We're never gonna make the rendezvous point in time! ~~_

Shit. Uhh...okay! Hold on. We'll come pick you guys up.

_~~ Negative! Just make sure that the- ~~_

-NOPE! DECIDED ALREADY. Alenko, how's it goin'?

_Got a few more minutes until we're ready. Go get the others and meet us back here._

Alright. You just make sure that thing is ready for when we get back. C'mon Wrex - it's time ta be a hero!

_Right behind you, Shepard._

**[End of Recording]**

* * *

**[Recording Entry: 38-c]**

D'you ever wonder why they'd put a locker out here? I mean who's going to use a locker all the way up here- wait, what is that?

_Damn, Shepard. We've got company. The Geth are sending in reinforcements._

Aw, bitch! That's all we need right now. Where's it goin'?

_~~ Heads up LT. We just spotted a Geth drop-ship headed to your location. ~~_

_~~ It's already here! We've got Geth pouring out all over the bomb site! ~~_

Aww, come on! We're doing too well to screw this up now! Kaidan?

_~~ Commander? ~~_

Can you hold them off until we get back? We won't be long.

_~~ No. There's just too many of them. I don't think we can survive until you get here! ~~_

Fuck, seriously? This is all we need. Okay...let's see...we can-

_~~ Commander? I'm going to go ahead and activate the bomb now. ~~_

What? NO! What the hell, man! No! We're not ready. Give us like five more minutes!

_~~ We can't take that risk! We only have one go at this and if we don't do it now we'll miss our chance! ~~_

But I can get there! I can see the damn tower from here! I just need like five more minutes!

_~~ I have to make sure this bomb goes off no matter what! ~~_

It will! It will be fine, stop panicking. You're trained soldiers, you can hold position for a little longer!

_~~ Exactly, Commander. That's why you don't need to worry about us. We can defend this thing until it detonates. ~~_

That's not what I meant! Christ, it's only a few Geth! Stop overreacting! Kaidan? Hey, listen to me! What are you- Don't you dare-!

_~~ Ordnance is armed, Commander. ~~_

KAIDAN!

_~~ I did what I had to! Just go get Ashley and get the hell out of here! ~~_

No-no-no-no! What are you doing? You're ruining everything!

_~~ Screw that, ma'am! We can handle ourselves. Go back and secure the bomb site. ~~_

What the fuck is your problem? Are you guys so eager to die? What am I supposed to do with this! Ashley, you can push forward! We can meet you half-way!

_~~ Ma'am... ~~_

What good is all that fancy armour if you don't use it! COME ON, CHIEF!

_~~ It's over. ~~_

I SAID MOVE IT!

_~~ Go back. ~~_

CHIEF!

_Shepard..._

Why are you doing this to me!

_Shepard. _

Why is this happening?

_Shepard. Get it together._

Why do I have to...

_Your orders, Shepard._

Why can't I do both..?

_Shepard. What are your orders?_

This isn't fair...

_SHEPARD! MAKE. YOUR. ORDERS._

. .

. . .

. . . . . we stay with the bomb.

. . .

. .

.

I'm so sorry.

**[End of Recording]**


	39. Entry 39

**[Recording Entry: 39-a]**

_Morning, Commander. What are you doing down here?_

Oh, hey C-Sec. I'm just sortin' through Ashley's effects. No point leaving them.

_Oh. Are you going to be okay with that?_

What? Yeah. Honestly, it pisses me off more than anything else.

_What do you mean?_

I mean look at this! It's all so..._normal._

_Well of course it is. What were you expecting to find?_

I don't know? Somethin' a bit more juicy? Spice, sex toys, a picture of her at a motorcycle rally... _Something_, at least. This is all just dull shit! Family pictures! Hairclips! A book of _poetry_ for god's sake.

_Chief Williams did seem like a very upstanding sort of person..._

Yeah, upstanding right in your face. Eh, she wasn't all bad though I suppose.

_Are you going to send her things back to her family?_

Yeah, I'm packin' it all up now. One of you can give it to them at the funeral.

_You can't give it to them yourself?_

Oh, I'm not goin'.

_You're not going? Why-_

I mean look at this! A picture album! Why the hell! This is a frigate, not a hostel! Utter faffery. I'm half-expectin' to find locks of hair and cuddly toys.

_Commander, what's that? Under the signed picture of the Omniboys?_

What, this?- Ah! Now this is more like it! Look at this, who'da thought, our little Ashley with-

_Commander, come on! _

What? What's the big deal?

_I don't need to see that! And it's your own brother!_

Yeah, I know right? I'm pretty much desensitised to it now though so I don't care.

_Why would you ever be used to seeing naked pictures of your own brother?_

Are you kidding? Naked John is _everywhere. _You've probably seen him like half a dozen times already and not even realised it.

_I think I'd know if I'd seen-_

No? Ever picked up a copy of Fornax?

_Well, maybe once or twice..._

That giant billboard on Ilium for the element-zero man thongs?

_The one with the space puppies? Oh no..._

Pretty much _any_ episode of _Big in Iliu_-

_Commander, just...just take the picture away._

Whatever man. Just don't ever type his name into the extranet then!

_Ugh..._

Haha! We have the same initials too. It's caused a bit of a stir since I became a Spectre.

_Really? You guys...- Look, I'd better get back to what I was doing. I'll see you later, Commander._

Yeah? I should probably go give him a call anyway. Tell him the news an' all.

**[End of Recording]**

* * *

**[Recording Entry: 39-b]**

Alright, Jojo?

_Jammy! Wasn't expecting to hear from you!_

Aye. You doin' alright?

_Yeah. Been keeping myself busy. What d'you need, darling?_

Ashley's dead.

_..._

She got all blown up an' shit.

_Huh._

I know you guys were boinking. I mean, I shoulda expected it really.

_Yeah. Those were my chocolates._

Whatever. Found your 'special' pictures in her stash.

_Uh, probably don't send those home to her parents._

I'll think about it.

_So what the hell happened? Everything seemed fine last time I was with you guys._

It's a long story...

**[End of Recording]**

* * *

**[Recording Entry: 39-c]**

_Jane?_

Kaidan. Breaking out of rank, are you? This sounds serious.

_What do you mean by that?_

You usually only call me by name when you're mad at me.

_I'm not mad at you. I just wanted to talk to you, you know...person to person._

Ugh, really? Fine. What's this about?

_Garrus told me you said you're not going to the funeral._

Yeah? What of it?

_Well, I just wanted to know why. You guys were getting along pretty well for a while._

Because it's useless?

_You don't want say goodbye to Chief Williams?_

But it's not Chief Williams! It's just an empty box. I'm not standin' around all dressed up to watch them drape a flag over a damn box_._

_That's not the point! The point is-_

I know what the point is! I'm just sayin' it doesn't even matter. Besides, think how awkward it's gonna be. She had like, eighty siblings. All lookin' at you with giant warbly eyes like they want money or somethin'.

_That's a terrible thing to say!_

You know it's true! You're gonna have to think of somethin' nice to say to every one of them.

_We're kind of worried about how you're taking this. We know it was a hard decision to make...I'd understand if you felt in some way that-_

Felt what? That it was my fault? I'm not blaming myself! I'm not blaming anybody but don't you force this on me like I'm some kind of unstable bint! I wasn't the one who set the bomb off early.

_Ugh! I did what I thought I had to! I couldn't see any other choice. I didn't mean for this to happen._

No, but it damn well didn't help! I'm not going to hold it against you. I don't keep grudges and there's no point. It was probably the right decision but we'll never really know, will we?

_I...suppose not. But do you think if I hadn't that she-_

Whatever, Susan. I don't have time to play the pity game. The whole mission was complete bollocks. But hey, maybe next time you could just follow your damn orders.

_Jane-_

_Commander. _That was pretty much _all_ I asked from you, wasn't it? This is just another fuck-up in part two of Kaidan's Increasingly Bad Plans.

_Part two? Oh... I get it. You're talking about the beacon. _

Yeah. The beacon. Let's all just stick our fingers into the big green glowy alien shit and bring down the destruction of the galaxy.

_What the hell! You can't blame me for the Reapers!_

Naw, but I thought while we're randomly applying blame to everything else we could just throw on some other shit! HEY EVERYBODY. KAIDAN SHOT JFK!

_Commander! Calm down!_

AND HE KILLED THE DINOSAURS!

_What is the point in trying to talk to you! Every time it seems like you're getting better you go all off-track again!_

Whatever! Sod off, will you!

_Fine!_

**[End of Recording]**

* * *

**[Recording Entry: 39-d]**

_..._

...

_..._

...That constant pacing is annoying, Fido.

_Look, for what it's worth...I'm sorry. About what I said...I didn't mean it. _

Whatever, jackass. You're lucky you're pretty, otherwise I'd have you transferred.

_I...huh. Well...thanks. Are we going to be okay?_

Yeah, we're cool now. I guess people are just on edge.

_I guess so. Thanks, Commander._

_Jane. _Now do me a favour and take these up to my terminal when you go.

_Some of Ashley's effects? Will do. What are these anyway? Her pictures-GYAH! IS THAT YOUR BROTHER? !_

Hehehe! Enjoy, sucker!

**[End of Recording]**


End file.
